Jenny, a new follower of the Infinitian faith from Falnaingelle, Nevada, USA, emailed me the following question: “Would an extramarital affair be OK?”
My initial reaction to Jenny’s question was, “yes, absolutely!” Then I realized that she wasn’t necessarily asking whether I’d be amenable to having one with her. Instead, she was probably asking if extramarital affairs would, in general, be acceptable in the Infinitian faith. In that case, the answer is, as it is with so many moral questions in Infinitiaty, “it all depends.”
A good place to start when considering the righteousness or wickedness of any action is The Twelve Guideliness. However, keep in mind that God One called these “guidelines” rather than “commandments” because they contain so many loopholes. Calling them “commandments” would thus sound ridiculous.
Nonetheless, they are commandments if you can’t, either plainly or through some cryptic legalistic obfuscation, take advantage of one of the loopholes. Woe betide you if you ignore any of the commandments without a valid excuse. Unless, of course, God One isn’t watching at the moment of your transgression. What He doesn’t know might not hurt you.
The Seventh Guideline clearly states, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” This seems plain enough. If you read only this far in the guideline you would believe that, no, your extramarital affair would not be acceptable. However, read on. There are the following exceptions:
- It’s OK if it’s with a really hot guy or gal. This is true for both heterosexual and homosexual affairs. So, Jenny, it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman. He or she just has to be very hot.
The problem comes in defining “hot.” Does that mean hot in your eyes? If so, to thine own self be true. Or does it mean hot in God One’s eyes? Or, possibly, in every God’s eyes? The scriptures are not clear on this point. You should thus be absolutely certain that everyone—person or deity—would consider your lover to be really hot before depending on this dodge.
The above loophole is not universally applicable. Adultery under this exemption is only acceptable if the spouses of the adulterers (you and/or your lover depending on whether you are both married) are not currently located in the same town. Business trips provide an ideal opportunity to take advantage of this escape clause. If you have the affair in the city where you live you must be careful to not get caught by your spouse. Otherwise the exemption is void.
- Affairs with members of the Infinitian clergy are also exempt. Sages are considered members of the clergy. So, Jenny, if your question was a proposition specifically for me, the answer is definitely “yes.” This is the reason for my initial response.
So, to sum up, Jenny, the answer to your question is, sometimes. But always if it’s with me. Call me.