I’m so excited that I can’t wait to tell you this news. It will truly change lives—big time!
For a very limited time—just two weeks—the Church of Infinitiaty is holding an adultery indulgence sale. During this time, for every four adultery indulgences that you buy at the regular price of $198.12 to gain forgiveness from the Gods for the sin of adultery, you’ll get an additional adultery dispensation absolutely free! That’s five salvations from the sin of adultery for the price of just four!
And there’s no limit on the number of adultery indulgences you can buy! Isn’t that amazing! So, if you buy eight, you’ll get two free. Buy 12 and get three free. Buy 16 and get four free. And so on. Think about it, you’ll be able to screw around on your spouse all you want, without worrying about what any of the Gods might think about it. Who could ask for anything more?
The dispensations can be used at any time. So, they can grant you salvation for past adulteries or for adulteries you plan to commit in the future. You’ll probably want to keep a few on hand for those spur of the moment adulterous affairs.
All-God Adultery Indulgences. Limited Time Only.
The really exciting news is that these indulgences don’t buy you protection from just one God. God One has obtained promises from all of the Gods that monitor our earth. None of them will smite you or inflict any other punishment on you for an adulterous adventure as long as you’ve bought a dispensation for it. Imagine how much more enjoyable your adulterous sex will be when you don’t have to worry about being struck down by a lightning bolt because of it!
But, wait. There’s more! If you order 12 or more adultery dispensations, excluding your fee dispensations, you’ll be eligible to buy a beautiful, genuine tin-plated unisex Infinity symbol necklace for just $12.95. That’s a $19.95 value, which can be yours for just $12.95 if you buy 12 or more adultery dispensations at full price.
Of course, there are few conditions. The dispensations are not transferable. If you wish, you can buy them as gifts for friends, relatives, or anyone else. (Think what a great bachelor or bachelorette party gift they’d make!) But you must specify whom each dispensation is for when you buy it. Only the person named on the dispensation can use it.
The dispensation buys you salvation from the sin of only a single adulterous sexual intercourse occurrence, not a whole affair. A sexual intercourse occurrence is defined as one orgasm or attempted orgasm by one or both partners. (If both partners manage to have an orgasm in a single sexual romp, that still counts as a single incident of sexual intercourse.)
These dispensations save you from punishment only by one or more of the Gods, not by humans or other creations who are not acting under the direction of one of the Gods. If your spouse finds out about your adultery and tries to kill you, kick you where the sun doesn’t shine, kick you somewhere else, or divorce you, the dispensation won’t protect you against that. But, as long as you’re careful about keeping your affair or one night stand a secret, that won’t be a problem.
Act now! Contact your local authorized Infinitian church today! This offer will soon be gone!