One service offered by the Church of Infinitiaty that does not get nearly the recognition that it deserves is faith healing. Faith healing cures diseases and heal injuries by transferring energy from one of the Gods, through the faith healer, to the afflicted. A member of the Infinitian clergy (including its Sages) achieves this holy-energy transfer through the laying on of, for example, hands.
Contrary to popular belief, God One is not the source of most faith healing success. God One’s attitude is, “I created disease and disaster. Why the hell would I want to remedy their effects? Live with it. Or not.”
Faith healing is possible only because some of the other Gods take pity on us when they see all of the earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, floods, pestilence, disease and poor restaurant service that God One foists upon us. Consequently, They occasionally perform healing miracles if They are passing through our world when one of the Church of Infinitiaty’s clergy attempts a faith healing service.
It should be noted that most of the “faith healers” that you see on television or in the multi-media, ultra-spectacular theaters-cum-churches of other “religions” are charlatans. We know this because they aren’t executing the faith-healing ritual correctly. Therefore, they must be performing some purely corporeal trickery rather than producing the desired effect.
Faith Healing Required Direct Contact
For one thing, there must be direct bodily contact between the healer and the patch of skin that is closest to specific body part that needs healing. For example, touching or slapping the forehead will not mend a damaged spinal cord.
And, the Gods don’t always direct their energy through the faith healer’s fingers or palms. Sometimes they channel their powers through another of the healer’s body parts. And, the Gods are not prudish about which parts of the God One-created anatomy they work through.
Unfortunately, the Gods speak only through the Church of Infinitiaty’s Chief Sage Officer, not directly to a Sage or Reverend. Consequently, the Gods can’t tell the healer which of his or her body parts to use. Thus, in a true healing session, the healer will typically have to try applying a variety of his or her body parts before a cure can be induced.
Furthermore, Godly energy can flow only between objects specifically created directly by one of the Gods, although not necessarily by the God providing the healing power. Clothing blocks this flow if it gets in the way. To be safe, the afflicted person should disrobe completely before the faith healing session begins.
The faith healer must typically experiment with a number of his or her body parts before finding the one through which the healing God’s energy is flowing. Thus, a true healer will typically remove all of his or her clothes as well. Otherwise, he or she might have to interrupt the session to remove another piece of clothing to apply a different body part.
The alleged faith healers of other “religions” fail to follow a number of these sacred rules in practically all of their so-called faith healing sessions. Thus, those “healers” must be perpetrating frauds.
Not being our Creators, other Gods are not as familiar with our anatomy as God One. Rather than study all of our organs in depth to learn how to heal them, the Gods tend to specialize in one or two body parts each. They will only heal those parts.
That having been said, it is widely known that God One was not up to the task of creating a whole, integrated, viable, complex, living organism. Consequently, He contracted out the design of many components. The Gods who had a hand, so to speak, in designing one or more of our organs tend to specialize in healing only those organs.
The Right God for the Job
We don’t have a complete inventory of which Gods are willing and able to heal which body parts. Nonetheless, we do know that God 69 specializes in female genitals. God 42 specializes in male genitals. And God 83 specializes in female breasts. Our Reverends and Sages have managed to build close relationships with these Gods. These clerics are, therefore, most successful in healing those organs. Consequently, those are the faith healing sessions they undertake most frequently.
God One is the only god who constantly watches over us. Other Gods sometimes drop by and check us out. However, They do so only when They’ve got nothing better to do. Thus, because the Gods speak only through the Chief Sage Officer, not directly to Infinitian Reverends or Sages, a faith healer will not know whether the appropriate God is present during a faith healing session. As a result, the session, including disrobing and the laying on of hands and other body parts, must often be repeated frequently before the desired healing effect will be achieved.
Surprisingly, even when the afflicted person is not healed in a particular session, he or she often shrieks an appreciative “Oh God!” at the end of this religious rite. This is considered to be somewhat disrespectful. The Gods usually don’t like to be addressed generically. They would rather you shout their number, such as, “Oh God 69!” However, because you often don’t know which God provided the healing energy, this slight is generally overlooked.
The Church of Infinitiaty does not charge faith healing fees. However, people undergoing these naked groping and penetration sessions are expected to give a generous honorarium to the Church. This pays tribute to the healing Gods. The honorarium must be paid in advance. Payments must be in cash or by certified check. The honorarium is not refundable regardless of the success of the session.
Some jurisdictions don’t respect the freedom of religion when it comes to rituals of this sort. Therefore, it must be clearly stated for legal reasons that, despite being mandatory, the bestowing of this honorarium is merely paying homage to the healing Gods. It is not a fee for services rendered.
Faith healing works only on non-communicable diseases. Before a legitimate faith healer will undertake a faith healing session, the afflicted person must provide documentation clinically certifying that he or she is free of all communicable diseases. This is particularly true for sexually transmitted diseases.