Barry, a cheapskate from Faithmoola, Florida, USA, using a computer that I traced back to a public library, emailed me from a free email account to ask,
How much of my salary and savings should I be donating to the Church of Infinitiaty to show my gratitude to the Gods for all of the blessings they have bestowed upon me and as penance for all of the sins I have committed?
Barry, that is the subject of great debate, although I haven’t the foggiest of ideas as to why there is any debate at all. The answer is easy: “If you have to ask, you aren’t giving nearly enough in church benefactions.”
You have so much to be thankful for. What’s more, you aren’t aware of even an infinitesimal fraction of the wondrous things that have happen to you thanks to one of the Gods. For example, did you go for a walk today? For all you know, a dozen cars might have careened out of control and killed or seriously injured you had one of the Gods not intervened and kept them on their straight paths. Did the orange juice you have this morning taste good? Maybe it had gone bad, but one of the Gods refreshed and flavored it.
Likewise, in the eyes of the infinite number of Gods, when you include both sins of omission and sins of commission—and the Gods do include both—you undoubtedly sin at least thousands of times every day.
Gods are not all created equal. Different Gods consider different things sinful. For example, God Two doesn’t give a damn about pre-marital sex between consenting adults. God One, on the other hand, seems to have taken a great disliking to it lately.
Church Benefactions: Giving Thanks and Penance
Some actions that you would never in a million years consider to be wicked in any way are greatly offensive to some Gods. For example, we know of at least a half a dozen Gods—and there are undoubtedly many more among the infinity of Gods—who think it is a mortal sin to blow your nose into a facial tissue rather a cloth handkerchief.
At the same time, we also know of more than a dozen Gods who can’t imagine anything more unsanitary than reusable handkerchiefs. They think that smiting is not nearly a severe enough punishment for people who use them.
Of course, there are also a number of Gods who think that when you use any hankie—paper or cloth—you are being incredibly wasteful. They think that a God One-given finger is perfectly adequate for cleaning out your nostrils. These Gods believe that such waste is evil and worthy of punishment if you don’t pay you penance.
And those are just a few examples out of an infinite number of sins.
We can’t possibly know what all of the infinity of Gods consider sins. Thus, we must be sinning with everything we do and everything we neglect to do. Consequently, no amount you give to the Church of Infinitiaty is sufficient penance for your sins, but you must do the best you can. When it comes to church donations, you must pay everything you’ve got, and then some, to appease the Gods and lessen your punishment.
(Just to be clear, when I say “church benefactions,” I mean donations to the church, not from the church. The latter would, of course, be ridiculous.)
And before you use the old “but how can I be held responsible for something that I couldn’t possibly know is a sin” excuse, let me disabuse you of that misconception. In the eyes of the Gods, ignorance of a sin is no excuse.
There’s no getting around it. You have to cough up big time if you want avoid a life and afterlife of eternal damnation inflicted on you by one or more of the Gods.