Gertrude from Vicebiche, Queensland, Australia asks,
Infinitiaty doesn’t talk about Hell quite as much as some other religions. Is there a Hell?
Getting a little worried, are you Gertrude? You bet your life there’s a hell. Although, it’s not quite the way those other religions describe it. In fact, it’s so different, that some people are reluctant to call it hell. So, I guess a better answer to the is there a hell question is, kinda, sorta, but not quite.
For one thing, the true version of Hell is not all fire and brimstone. There’s no way Satan could afford the fuel required to keep fires going all of the time. And with all of the carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide that would be produced by incessant fires, Hell wouldn’t just be hellish; it would be unlivable. What would be the point if the inmates of Hell couldn’t survive long enough to be eternally damned? Therefore, the devil ignites the fires only when Hell falls significantly below the temperature of a typical sauna.
The cost of brimstone was also killing the Prince of Darkness. The price of sulfur, which is just another word for brimstone, fluctuates considerably. Beelzebub tried hedging the sulfur price, but he wasn’t very good at trading derivatives. He took a beating on his hedges.
And sulfur isn’t found naturally in hell. Lucifer had to import it from Earth. Do you have any idea how much it costs to transport massive quantities of sulfur from Earth to hell. Don’t even think about it. Consequently, Satan cut way back on the brimstone he uses in Hell.
So, forget about all of that fire and brimstone stuff. Unlike the images of the netherworld that some other religions paint for you, the most accurate description of Hell is that it’s very much like the suburbs, except there are no cars, meaning that there is no escaping and nothing to do. Furthermore, beer and pizza are severely rationed. And what little beer you are allowed is flat.
What is “Hell?” Think Suburbs
Fortunately, it is much easier to escape the torment of Hell than those other religions tell you it is. (If you want to get an idea of what we mean by torment, start with a picture of a suburb in your mind. Now, hold that picture in your mind.)
First of all, if you pay the appropriate indulgence for any sins you commit, those sins don’t count against you. This isn’t quite the “get out of jail free card” that it sounds like. There are an infinite number of Gods and an infinite number of sins. A mutual sin-punishment pact among the Gods means that God One may send you to Hell for committing one of the other God’s sins even if God One doesn’t consider it a sin.
However, the multiple Gods do provide you with an out. The mutual sin-punishment pact among the Gods only applies to Gods considering punishments for their own creations. If God One decides to send you to Hell you can appeal to one of the other Gods to take you into His, Her or Its Heaven. With an infinite number of Gods, you’re bound to find One who will take you in if you’re prepared to spend enough time searching.
There are at least two problems with this strategy. First, most of the Gods are quite picky about who They let into their Heavens. As a result, you may have to spend millions of years in purgatory while you methodically work your way through the infinity of Gods, begging and pleading until you find one who accepts you.
Second, Gods create Heavens for their creations. The other Gods’ creations aren’t anything like us. Considering how many mistakes God One made when He created humans, this is good news for the other Gods’ creations. The problem is that what is heavenly for other creations may be hellish for us, so you might be just as well off accepting your assignment to Hell.
Even if you are accepted into a Heaven that is heavenly for you, the other Gods haven’t been able to eliminate xenophobia. The other Gods’ creations will likely not want you in their neighborhoods in their Heavens. Thus, you might be relegated to a rough side of their Heaven, or possibly to a ghetto reserved for other Gods’ creations.
And don’t even think of being able to get a good table in a nice restaurant in the Heaven of one of the other Gods. It’s not going to happen. Those tables are strictly reserved for the Gods’ own creations.
So, Gertrude, in answer to your question, yes, there is sort of, but not quite a Hell. We don’t talk about it much because the thought of it is, well, hellish. Despite our concept of an almost, kinda Hell being true, speaking about it in public would turn off prospective converts who would rather avoid thinking about the truth. And the last thing we want to do is turn off prospective converts before they’ve converted and donated all of their worldly possessions to the church.
I assume that you’re already an Infinitian, so the fact that you haven’t heard much about Hell tells me that you haven’t been attending services often and you haven’t spent much time talking to your local Infinitian reverend. Our clergy expound on Hell frequently and at length, particularly when they are trying to convince people to increase their donations to the church, which is almost all of the time.