Sometimes I get rather strange letters. Consider the following request for a Messiah, for example:
Dear Sage Mike,
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read and, hopefully, answer my letter.
A few months ago, I had a cosmetic surgeon do some wickedly awesome breast augmentation surgery and a nose job on me. I exercise furiously every day. I’ve been dieting rigorously. And, for the past eight months I’ve spent all of my spare time fervently praying to God 27.
I’ve done all this in the hope that God 27 will want to impregnate me with a Messiah or Messiahess who will use His or Her messianic powers to take care of me in my old age.
If my Messiah or Messiahess Child should, in gratitude for me having given my body so He or She could be brought into this world, decide to provide me with the means to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of my life and lord it over my friends, family, lovers and neighbors (which are not mutually exclusive categories), that would be nice too.
I chose God 27 because, being an odd-numbered God, He is male. I swing both ways, but I figure a dalliance with a female God won’t produce a Messiah.
I didn’t want to choose a God with too low a number because I figured He would be too busy listening to other people’s prayers to have the time and inclination to produce a Messiah with me.
After all, God One must not have a second to Himself with all of the yammering from all of the people down here on Earth praying fervently for salvation or for help choosing lottery numbers. The other single-digit Gods probably aren’t much better off.
And I didn’t want to go with a particularly high-numbered God because, maybe it’s just a false stereotype, but I sense that They are too aloof to want to have a Messiah with one of God One’s lowly creations. God 27 seemed about right.
Oh, by the way, how does this Messiah-making thing work? Do I actually get to have wild, corporeal sex with God 27? Or does He somehow plant His seed in me in a spiritual way that doesn’t offer me the benefit of an orgasm? If I don’t get to have an orgasm out of the deal, that’ll be pretty much the way it is with a lot of my lovers, so it’s really just curiosity that led me to ask.
Are my dreams of bearing a Messiah unrealistic?
Very spiritually yours,
Godschtupping, North Carolina, USA
P.S.: If you can help me to convince God 27 to impregnate me, I’ll be sure to tell my Messiah or Messsiahess Son or Daughter to create some miracles for you too.
Keri, I normally don’t reveal the last names of people who send me questions, but I’m guessing that “Wannalot” is a pseudonym, so I’ve made an exception in your case. I apologize if that’s your real name. I hope you don’t mind that I printed it here.
That’s quite a touching letter, Keri. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that the answer to a couple of your questions will have to be “I don’t know.” You chose one of the Gods who, for some unknown reason, likes to keep His sexual experiences and proclivities a secret.
Conception of a Messiah
Most of the Gods take a human form when they want to impregnate a woman, but they are also capable of throwing some sperm into you without being physically present. The latter is a virgin birth.
You should hope that God 27 prefers the bodily sort of sex because that’s a lot more fun, but I really can’t say whether that’s His sexual preference—or if He’d even consider impregnating a human female.
Praying is a good, but far from perfect way to try to get a God interested in you.
The appearance enhancements you’ve undertaken may or may not help. It’s really hard to say because so little is known about God 27’s sexual preferences. Really hot women turn on some Gods. But Others are exceptionally horny deities who are happy to impregnate even the homeliest of human females.
I should mention that you are placing too much stock in the even-odd, male-female God-numbering practice. Most, and very probably all, of the Gods are hermaphrodites. Therefore, any one of them can impregnate you with a Messiah or Messiahess. We alternate between male and female when referring to the Gods solely to achieve politically correct gender neutrality.
That having been said, the Gods know about our gender-assignment convention, so, on those occasions when a God takes a human form to walk among us or to have intercourse with us, He, She or It often takes the body of someone of the sex that matches the gender we’ve arbitrarily assigned to Him, Her or It.
You might have noticed that there is something discriminatory in this. Human males can’t play a part in creating a Messiah or Messiahess because a God who takes a female form will give birth up in Her heaven and we’ll never see the Child.
There is something I should warn you about. When a God impregnates a human with a Messiah or Messiahess, the God rarely sticks around to help take care of the Child. So, unless you can cuckold some poor schmuck of a guy (or a gal if you’re a lesbian) into being the Kid’s corporeal father (or second mother), you’re going to be on your own when it comes to raising the Messiah or Messiahess. I’m told They can be a handful.
There’s another issue you should think about. Take a look around you. There are murders, rapes, wars, famines, diseases, muggings and it’s hard to get a really good corned beef sandwich in a lot of cities. If you were a Messiah or Messiahess, would you be happy about being brought into this world? I don’t think so. Instead of rewarding you, your Child might lash out at you. That’s something to think about before you wish for some hot sex with a God.