Concerned about mixed marriages or, more specifically, his desired mixed marriage, Murgatroid, from Duplissittoushire, England writes,
I’m madly in lust with a woman. She’s beautiful and big-breasted. And, thanks to an inheritance she received, she’s richer than at least a dozen of the Gods combined. In short, she is everything an intensely spiritual man such as myself could desire. I desperately want to marry her. Better yet, I think I can trick her into accepting my proposal.
The problem is, she’s not of the Infinitian faith. Would a mixed marriage be acceptable to the Church of Infinitiaty?
Murgatroid, first off, I feel the need to strongly state that beauty and big breasts are great, but they are certainly not the most important factors in creating and sustaining a profound, meaningful, successful relationship. The money, on the other hand, is crucial.
Exceptions to Strictures Against Mixed Marriages
Infinitiaty frowns on mixed marriages. But it would be acceptable under the conditions you describe because Infinitiaty is a somewhat open religion. The following is what the teachings of Infinitiaty say you should do in these circumstances:
First, propose to the woman as soon as possible. You wouldn’t want to risk losing her to another shallow man looking for a rich, beautiful, big-busted woman.
Right up until the wedding day, try to convince her to convert to Infinitiaty. Even if you fail at that, still marry her in a civil service. Or, if she’ll accept it, in an Infinitian church. (If you explain the situation to him or her, any Infinitian reverend would be happy to officiate at the wedding even though your fiancé is not Infinitian and, therefore, evil incarnate.)
If she is still not an Infinitian by the time of the wedding, spend the first three years of your marriage trying as hard as you can to convert her. During that time, feel free to have as much sex with her as you two wish. You might as well have some fun out of your shameful relationship with a non-believer. You might as well get some compensation for the severe punishment that one or more of the Gods will mete out if you fail to convert her. Smiting is not out of the question in these circumstances.
If after three years she has still not converted, get the most ruthless lawyer you can find. Divorce her. Collect as much of her fortune in the settlement as you possibly can. Stiff the lawyer. And donate all of the funds to the Church of Infinitiaty as penance for the sin of entering into a mixed marriage and to atone for having failed to convert her.
If you do succeed in converting her, siphon all of her money out of your joint bank account—insist that she put all of her money into a joint bank account—and give it to the Church of Infinitiaty. You’ll need to do this over a long enough time. Otherwise, she might notice what you are doing and divorce you. By making this payment to the church, you will then be free, under the Gods’ wills, to enjoy the beautiful big breasts of your bride with a clear conscience for as long as you two both shall live.
So, Mergatroid and everyone else reading this, you can see beyond a shadow of a doubt that Infinitiaty is a very flexible, tolerant religion. It has a spiritual solution for every secular quandary.