Ellen, a woman after my own heart from Guefof, West Virginia, USA, emailed me the following question:
Currently, on the first of every month, I rotate among atheism, agnosticism, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, and Rastafarianism. But I’ve recently been studying Infinitiaty. All of the non-religions and religions are getting to be too much for me to keep straight in my mind. I’m thinking of chucking them all and converting to Infinitiaty because it sounds like a much more plausible faith.
I just have one question. I haven’t seen much written about Infinitiaty’s Sabbaths and holidays. Does it have Sabbath(s) and holidays that are faithfully respected by believers? I couldn’t possibly think of joining a religion that doesn’t give me a legitimate excuse to demand time off work.
Ellen, that’s the beauty of Infinitiaty. God One has told us that He created the universe in six days and then He took the seventh day off. All Infinitian scholars are convinced he’s boasting. They think it took him much, much longer. But nobody wants to challenge an omnipotent, easy-to-anger deity, so we all accept him at his Word.
The problem is that He never told us which day of the week He started his alleged six days’ worth of work. Our scholars have narrowed it down to Him starting on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. This means that the Sabbath—the seventh day—must be Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Because we can’t be sure which day it is, we celebrate all three days as Sabbaths just to be safe.
God One is our Creator. We pay the most attention to His Sabbath and holidays because He’s the biggest threat to us, so we want to humor Him. However, we think it’s also important to kowtow to all of the other Gods because they are in a position to enrich or punish us if they so desire.
Every God has His, Her or Its Sabbath and special days, and they aren’t all the same days. As a result, the existence of an infinite number of Gods means that every day is a Sabbath or religious holiday an infinite number of times over. Consequently, you can legitimately take any day you want off work and celebrate it as an ultra-sacred religious holiday.
If your boss challenges you, you can shriek, “Damn, frigging bigot; I demand my freedom of religion rights” at him or her in the most public place possible. Political correctness requires that he or she back down and give you the day off with pay. In some jurisdictions you may even be able to take your boss to court for religious discrimination and get an obscenely large award or settlement if you are denied the day off.
So, Ellen, yes we have Sabbaths and holidays—daily. You don’t have to serve turkey every day, but you can if you wish. By the way, the Gods are very pleased when you make a large donation to the Church of Infinitiaty on their Sabbaths and holidays.