A couple of weeks ago I received the following question from Cheri, a woman from Goedownawn, Vermont who is likely either very gullible or an incorrigible slut. If it’s the latter, I’m available for intensive counseling, Cheri, if you are interested. I got around to answering Cheri’s question only today because I’ve been very busy fantasizing about the picture Cheri paints.
“What does it mean to be touched by God?
“The reason I ask is I was sitting on a bench in a heavily wooded, secluded, rarely visited section of a park when a man approached me. He told me he was a God and asked if I wanted to be touched by him? I was doubtful, but knowing that there are an infinite number of Gods I didn’t want to take the chance of offending one, so I agreed.
“He touched me repeatedly all over. It was very pleasurable. I squealed ‘Oh God’ many times. He seemed pleased that I had shouted His name. After about half an hour, he left.
“Was I touched by a God?”
Well Cheri, it’s hard to say for sure.
Usually when a God touches you, you are spiritually touched, not physically touched. It is usually something akin to a hallucination. In fact, hallucinations and deeply religious experiences are often indistinguishable. Some people’s hallucinations are so powerful that they feel equivalent to a physical experience. So maybe this is what happened to you.
Was it an Assault or Were You Touched by God?
If you were physically touched by a stranger, nine times out of ten it is a human pervert, not a God—pervert or not—who does the touching.
Then again, you can never be sure. Some of the Gods like to visit God One’s universe, come to our planet, adopt human form and cop a feel. That’s just the sort of Gods they are. God One never does this because He’s very straight-laced. Besides, He’s usually too lazy to come down to Earth. He sends angels to do his bidding instead. But many of the other Gods are into that sort of thing.
For example, God 747 is known to frequently come to Earth, take over the body of a living politician and then take the opportunity to feel up an intern—and often much more than feel them up, if you know what I mean.
This is much more common than most people realize. Infinitian scholars estimate that God 947 is responsible for 93.7 percent of the intimate touching and other sexual relations between politicians and their interns.
In short, Cheri, there’s really no way to say for certain whether a God or a human pervert touched you. Our Lord, God One, is an extreme prude and would be very upset if you willingly allowed you yourself to be felt up by a stranger to whom you weren’t married. However, God One forgives you if you allow yourself to be felt up by a God because that’s part of the code of the Gods.
Unfortunately, because the Gods may take on human form, you usually can’t tell the difference between a human and a God who feels you up. The problem is that God One doesn’t accept ignorance of a lack of godliness of the feeler as an excuse.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more help. At least you got pleasure from the experience. Many of the Gods, other than God One of course, think that pleasure is a good thing. Maybe they’ll intervene on your behalf if it turns out that you allowed yourself to be felt up by a human and God One considers punishing you for it.