The Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) of Infinitiaty regularly reminds the clergy, managers, and executives of Infinitiaty that we can best keep our religion strong by always putting the customer parishioner first. Unless, of course, it’s costly or inconvenient to do so. To ensure that we continue to keep our customers parishioners happy, the CMO conducts frequent customer parishioner satisfaction surveys, including with new adherents who convert to our religion.
The complaints that crop up most frequently in these surveys concern the price that is charged for the services required to convert to Infinitiaty. Surprising, converts rarely complained about the amount they were charged. However, the variability of pricing in the Infinitian religion market really pisses them off.
In the past, the Infinitiaty Church set a suggested retail price for conversion services, but that price was not published publicly. Instead, it was intended merely as guidance for local clergy to help them decide on a fair conversion service price within the limits of what the market would bear.
In practice, some clergy set a price for the conversion service grossly above the suggested retail price. Then they bargained down to the highest price that each prospective convert would accept. Other clergy charged the set rate and offered a discount only if that was the only way to get the prospective convert into a new religion—Infinitiaty—today. Still other clergy started out by advertising cut-rate prices in the hope of stealing business from other religions and from other Infinitian clergy members.
Under this practice, after people joined the religion and started talking with co-religionists about what they paid for their conversion service (despite, I might add, signing a standard non-disclosure agreement—there will be a few Infinitians who will be going to hell and/or sued for that), they found out about the wide variation in pricing. People who paid a much higher conversion price than their religious peers have, to say the least, been very upset about this.
In the interest of promoting customer parishioner satisfaction, the CMO of Infinitiaty has announced a new, no-haggle-pricing policy for conversion services. Retail prices will now be published and widely available. Infinitian clergy members will not be allowed to deviate from that price by even a penny. (However, sales taxes, if any, may vary depending on where the conversion is performed and billed.)
Effective immediately, the price for the service required to officially convert to Infinitiaty will be $1,495 (US) per person when converting from a monotheistic religion. When a family converts together, the fee for the second and subsequent family members will be $995, provided that the whole family converts at the same time.
Fixed Fees to Convert to Infinitiaty
If you are converting from a polytheistic religion the prices are somewhat lower. This is because it is easier to accept an infinite number of Gods when you already believe in multiple Gods. It is much more difficult if you are stuck in the silly mindset of there being only a single God. Conversions from a polytheistic religion will cost $1,195 for the first family member and $795 for each subsequent family member who converts at the same time.
To convert to Infinitiaty you must buy this conversion service. Claiming to be an Infinitian without having done so will be considered to be a serious infringement of Infinitiaty’s trademarks and patents. The Church of Infinitiaty reserves the right to sue offenders. It will pursue the maximum compensation for such offenses. We also know of at least 578 of the Gods who would be very upset and who would be willing to inflict the severest of penalties for such transgressions.
After converting, in addition to being recognized as an Infinitian by the Church of Infinitiaty, you will receive an official conversion certificate. This can be invaluable when you insist on taking time off for any of the infinite number of Lords’ Days celebrated by Infinitians. If you employer refuses to give you the days off, an official document carries a lot of weight when threatening to sue him or her for violating your freedom-of-religion rights.
If you lose your conversion certificate or it is destroyed, you can have it replaced. To limit the opportunity for fraud that won’t enrich the Church, only the central Church office, not the local clergy, will issue replacement certificates. Before issuing a replacement, the Church of Infinitiaty will verify that you did, indeed, covert. They will also verify that you are still a practicing Infinitian. Or, better yet, you’ve stopped practicing and you’re now performing the Infinitian rites, customs and observances for real.
The price for a replacement certificate is $39.95 (plus taxes where applicable) if sent through the mail. Additional options are available for faster, trackable delivery. This fee covers solely the material, postage and handling costs. Consequently, there is no discount for certificates verifying conversion from a polytheistic religion.
The local clergy member who performs your conversion will not be allowed to add any mandatory surcharges onto the fee they charge. He or she may, however, offer to sell you mementos, such as embroidered pillows, bobble-head dolls, t-shirts, and so on. These will help you remember the glorious day of your conversion to Infinitiaty. However, your purchase of those items will be optional. The clergy are not allowed to force you to buy them as a condition of your conversion.
Unfortunately, we are not able to offer refunds to anyone who overpaid for his or her conversion in the past. However, I’m confident that this new policy will help to improve customer parishioner satisfaction greatly in the future.
Welcome to all new Infinitians! May the Gods smile upon you infinitely!