God One and the Chief Sage Officer of Infinitiaty had a chat this morning. There is nothing unusual about that, but what was out of the ordinary was that God One agreed to allow a transcript of the conversation to be published here.
This was a great surprise and a tremendous honor because it’s been a few thousand years since God One has allowed his words to be published verbatim. You see, He is well aware that He has become somewhat doddering in His old age. Furthermore, His profundity has declined considerable—and he never was a particularly deep thinker to begin with.
He worries that people might no longer think He’s great and, therefore, will stop praising Him if they heard His words now. He’s very insecure and needs continual praise.
It’s only my opinion, but I think He had been drinking heavily just before speaking to the Chief Sage Officer. That was likely the only reason He gave permission to publish the text of the CSO’s conversation with God One. I probably shouldn’t take advantage of that, but I’ll take any deity scoop I can get, no matter how I get it.
CSO’s Conversation with God One
So, sit back and enjoy the words of God One in conversation with our Chief Sage Officer.
God One (G1): Is that the best clothes you could come up with to wear when you’re talking with me? A plain white robe? That’s it?
Some of the other religions have it all over you in the haberdashery department. True, they couldn’t be more wrong in their belief that there’s only one god. And where they came up with the crazy idea that I have a son I’ll never know, but some of them really know how to dress.
Look at the pope, for example. He’s arrogant beyond belief—while pretending to be humble, what a phony—and astoundingly old-fashioned in his thinking, but some of his robes and hats are gloriously flamboyant. I wonder how he comes to that. Do you think he’s gay?
Chief Sage Officer (CSO): I don’t know. If he is, at least he’s lucky that he’s got such a big closet to roam around in.
G1: (Laughing loudly:) Good one.
So, what do you want to do today? Would you like to play a little poker? I’d like to win back some of the gold I lost to you last time.
CSO: I’d rather not. Besides, I’ve already sold the gold. I spent the money on hookers. So there’s nothing left to win back. If it’s all right with You, I’d like to talk. People expect me to talk with You.
G1: Damn! You know how tedious I find our conversations. If I grand you a conversation with a God, namely me, it had better be good.
Well, OK. I chose the activity last time. I guess it’s your turn. What would you like to talk about?
CSO: One thing I’ve been wondering, why don’t you reveal the truth about the infinite number of Gods to everyone rather than to just Infinitians?
G1: Are you out of your mind? Do you know how difficult that would be, even for Me? There are almost 7 billion of you now. And you speak so many different languages. Revealing the truth to all of you would be more trouble than it’s worth.
Besides, I’m not sure that I could convince everyone. I thought I did a far better job at designing your brains than I did. An awful lot of you are stupendously stupid.
I mean, just look at the size of the human population as only one example. I find it almost impossible to believe, but there are still a lot of people who think that the “be fruitful and multiply” command is still in effect.
Are they totally deranged? I thought it would have been obvious that I meant that you should reproduce abundantly only until there were enough of you to spread out to a few of the habitable parts of the world and to keep the species going. I was sure that I had given you people brains that were adequate to figure out that after you’d reached a few billion people you could ease up on your fruitfulness and multiplication, but apparently not. I guess I have to spell everything out for you. Idiots.
With all of that stupidity, how many people do you think are going to be able to grasp and believe the concept of an infinity of Gods? Probably not a lot.
CSO: Does it bother you that there are still a lot of people who don’t believe in all of the other Gods?
G1: Not really. It’s tough enough to get them to believe in me. I mean, think about it. An all-seeing, all-powerful, all-knowing being who is so insecure that he likes to stay hidden? I’m not surprised that there are people who don’t believe in Me.
What human being who is still in possession his or her mental faculties and has one iota of rationality would believe in something that sounds as ridiculous as that? If I weren’t Me, I wouldn’t believe in Me either. Not for a minute. You’d have to be stupid. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why so many people do believe in Me.
If I can’t get everyone to overcome their rationality and believe in me, what hope have I got of getting them to believe there isn’t just one god, but an infinite number of them. Trust me, it’s not going to happen.
Besides, what do I care if my creations believe in the other Gods? What have those Gods ever done for me? Nada. I didn’t ask to be brought into existence. God Two created me, God Three created Her, God Four created Him, and so on. If they’re going to bring me into this world it’s Their responsibility to do stuff for Me. They should be making sure I’m happy with my existence, not the other way around.
What’s more, the other Gods think I’m a dolt. Many of them have said as much right to my face. That hardly encourages me to foster worship in them, now does it?
CSO: The other Gods think you’re a dolt?
G1: Yeah, they don’t understand the beauty of my idea of Created Evolution.
The other Gods put in a lot of time and thought into creating perfect species in their universes. I’m not that patient, nor am I brilliant enough to create something as intricate as a complex life form perfectly the first time.
Instead, I use what I like to call “rapid prototyping.” I whip up a crude species, throw it out there and then observe what works and what doesn’t work. I’ll then create a new species based on the first, keeping the good stuff and correcting the mistakes. That’s why there are a lot of flaws in human bodies. I’ll correct as many as I can when I put out humans 3.0.
The other Gods also don’t see the brilliance of my invention of sex.
The other Gods created beings that don’t degrade over time. Instead, their creations are almost immortal. They never die of diseases or of old age. These otherwise immortal creations can still die from accidents—for example, if a meteorite should happen to plunge onto their forehead while their Creator is away visiting another universe, they’re not going to come out of that experience very well, or at all—but that’s rare enough that when it happens the God responsible for that universe simply creates a replacement for a destroyed member of a species.
Even though the other Gods’ creations almost never die, the God of a creation’s universe had to not only design the species, but also build every single member of it because the species members can’t reproduce on their own by sex or any other means. And then there are still those occasional replacements that the Gods have to deal with. Do you know how much work that entails? Who wants to make that much effort just to have a bunch of creations running around? Not Me.
That’s why my idea of sex is so awesome. I just had to design the species, build two members of it—one male and one female–and then let them screw their brains out to populate the planet. No fuss, no muss on My part.
The other Gods make fun of Me for inventing sex rather than creating immortal creatures, but I notice that thousands of the Gods like nothing more than to visit My universe, temporarily occupy human bodies and then have sex with as many humans as possible before going back to Their own universes or to a party in one of the other Gods’ universes. Despite being Gods, or maybe because they are Gods, they are the horniest beings one could ever imagine.
CSO: Humans 2.x have been around for tens of thousands of years. Why haven’t you replaced us yet with a 3.0 model and fixed some of the major mistakes you made in our body design?
G1: Basically, I’m lazy. Besides, I’ve been busy working on my duslagerst game.
Conversation with God: Duslagerst
G1: It’s a game that Gods play when we get together. It’s sort of a cross between your games of golf, tennis, soccer and Parcheesi, but you need to fully understand quantum mechanics to play it well. It’s far too complex a game to explain to creatures with brains as puny as the ones I gave you.
Hell, even I don’t understand it completely, which is another reason why the other Gods ridicule me mercilessly.
CSO: The mistakes you made in our body design is a nice segue to a question I’ve been wanting to ask you for a long time, but I’ve avoided asking it because I didn’t know how You’d take it. Are our body flaws the reason why bad things happen to good people?
That question has been plaguing believers for a long time—if you’re all-seeing and all-knowing, why do you let some really awful shit happen to some of the most devout and righteous among us?
Clergy and religious laypeople have come up with a lot of bullshit answers to that question in the hope that people would simply accept the answers without noticing that the answers are preposterous. So far, that’s worked quite well because, as you said, most of us are almost as stupid as pond scum, and some of us aren’t quite that smart. As a result, only a few people have noticed that we are talking gibberish when we answer the bad-things-happening-to-good-people question.
It would be nice to know the truth so we can provide a more convincing answer that would be accepted by smart people as well.
G1: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! But I’ll tell you anyway, so brace yourself.
Some of the bad things that happen to good people, namely horrid diseases, are a result of your body design flaws. If I had designed your bodies right then, for example, cells wouldn’t grow out of control giving you cancers and viruses and bacteria would have no chance to invade your bodies. Hell, if I’d been thinking, I wouldn’t have created any harmful viruses and bacteria in the first place. But, what can I say? I’m only a deity. I’m not perfect.
But that doesn’t explain things like deaths and excruciating injuries caused by events like plane crashes, bombings, wars, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, fires, and on and on. I cause those to happen for two reasons.
First, they allow me to create miracles by saving one or two people from death when all around them everyone else is dying. When people see these miracles, they praise me more. There is nothing I enjoy more than being praised.
CSO: Then why save only one person? If you, say, created a massive earthquake close to the surface right under a major city—an earthquake that, by all rights, should have killed at least half of the population, if not more—and you saved absolutely everyone, without anyone suffering so much as a scratch, and maybe kept the buildings from collapsing too, that would be a great miracle. But if you save only one or two people we might easily mistake that as a fluke—just one of those things that happen from time to time by sheer coincidence.
G1: I hadn’t thought of that. But that still doesn’t alter My second reason for causing horrific things to happen to good (and bad) people. And the second reason is much stronger than the first. I do it for entertainment value.
I get a big kick out of watching you people blow up, drown, fry or get shot. It’s a real hoot for me.
What’s that look you’re giving me? Don’t be so surprised. I told you I’m a lazy God. I put a lot of Me in you because I couldn’t be bothered creating a new personality for humans.
Why do you think championship boxers make so much money? Why do you think that disaster, war and action movies do so well at the box-office? Why do you think I created the NRA? I gave you people some of my blood lust.
Well, I can’t very well go into your movie theaters or sit ringside at a boxing match, now can I? People would notice and mob me. Instead of going to movies or sporting matches, I’ve got to get my jollies by sitting up here in heaven and watching you humans do it all live and for real.
That’s another reason why I so pleased that I invented sex and made humans such sex fiends. Otherwise, I’d have to create a huge number of replacements if I wanted to continue to enjoy your to-the-death violence. That would be way too much work.
But that’s enough talking. We’ve got to wrap this up now. God 23419 just dropped by to say that some of the other Gods are getting a duslagerst game together. I’ve got to figure out where I put my deity kneepads and helmet.
Your conversation with God One is over. Catch you later.
So there you have it; the first officially sanctioned transcript of a conversation with God One in thousands of years. Please tell your friends and relatives to stop by and read it before God One sobers up and changes his mind about letting me publish it.