Constance Muncherre of Kannabysse, Kentucky recently sent me the following email about dietary law in Infinitiaty:
I am deeply devoted to Infinitiaty. I realize that because there are an infinite number of Gods there are an infinite number of dietary laws in our religion. I’m throwing a dinner party for my orthodox Infinitian friends next Thursday. I want to make sure that I don’t break any Infinitian dietary law at the party—or in my daily life. I have a couple of questions for which I cannot find answers in any of the Infinitian texts.
Is it OK to eat lobster and gummy bears together on a Thursday? And, if you can’t consume them together on that day of the week, does it make a difference if you separate their consumption by at least two hours; say a lobster appetizer and a gummy bear dessert during a long, drawn-out dinner?
Constance, this may surprise you, but those sorts of dietary law questions have been asked frequently throughout the millennia because through the entire history of Infinitiaty, and even before that, there has never been a shortage of idiots. Nobody knows why God One populated the world with so many ignoramuses—maybe it wasn’t God One at all, but rather one of the other Gods who inserted them into God One’s universe as a practical joke—but it’s questions like yours that proves the abundance of dunderheads on our planet.
Dietary Law? Stupid Question.
I follow the sacred, time-honored lead of my predecessor sages throughout the ages. I refuse to answer such ridiculous queries.
That having been said, it pleases God 438, with Whom I have a lucrative promotion contract, when we try to find good in all people and all situations. So I must thank you for conclusively proving that the often cited hypothesis that there are no stupid questions is as false as false can be. You have done a service to humanity by putting that old saw to rest once and for all.
Finally, I have a warning for you. If you ever again waste as little as one further second of my time with such asinine questions I will pray to several of the Gods to create large colonies of fire ants in your underwear. Many of the Gods listen to me. Some answer my prayers because I send a lot of converts their way. You’ve been warned.
Thank you and good-bye.