Believing in a religion—even the one true religion, Infinitiaty—is difficult. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t need a God to help us believe. But, we do need a God. In fact, looked at rationally, religion is so implausible that we need an infinity of Gods to help us believe. Fortunately, we have them. However, even They are not powerful enough to make the hardcore faithless believe in something that is so outwardly absurd.
Don’t be too harsh on atheists and agnostics. It’s easy to understand how they find it so hard to believe. In the absence of even a single shred of tangible evidence, who could possibly believe in omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, ethereal Beings Who create whole universes and all of the creatures in them? And even if some people do manage to believe in that, who could believe that, despite purportedly constantly watching over us and exerting Their unlimited divine powers, these Gods tolerate such ungodly things as wars, famines, rapes, murders, earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, floods and volcanoes? And don’t get me started on the poor service at certain expensive restaurants that I won’t mention here as long as they continue to pay me kickbacks.
Of course, believers believe it because we know it to be true. But those pitiful people who have lived lives that have been horribly insulated by the harsh, deceitful filter of facts-based thinking find it almost impossible to do so. As Gods-fearing people, we should pity, not condemn them. It’s the merciful Gods’ jobs to condemn them. And condemn them They will. What’s more, the unmerciful Gods will not just condemn, but also viciously punish the nonbelievers.
Fortunately, there is help for those poor lost souls. Believing in the unbelievable without any substantiation is a simple matter of self-delusion. And, make no mistake about it, there is no more valuable a tool than self-delusion in our world—a world where any of the infinite number of Gods can instantly smite us on a whim. And they may do so if we so much as look at Them the wrong way or we don’t give Them the respect that They think They deserve.
New Course Helps With Self-Delusion
Self-delusion comes naturally to some of us. Everyone else needs outside support. To provide this support, The Church of Infinitiaty offers an intensive, one-week new course in self-delusion.
This new course is conveniently repeated throughout the year at all of the Church’s residential facilities, which are strategically located in most of the areas around the world where wealthy people like to travel to and/or live.
The good news is that the fee for this new course is only $9,995 for the week.
This price does not include accommodation, meals or beverages, all of which normally must be paid for over and above the course fee. (All students are required to live on-site during the week and they are not allowed to bring in their own food.) However, the Church offers an all-inclusive package that covers the course fee, a superior room (superior by third-world standards) that is shared by no more than ten and no fewer than three students, three meals a day (the meals are regularly described as fairly filling by some of the anorexics who have attended the course), all of the tap water you can drink during the week (water for baths, showers and other personal hygiene is extra), and two glasses of domestic rotgut wine, beer, fruit juice or soda per day.
The all-inclusive price is $39,995.95 for the week, plus applicable taxes, service charges and fuel surcharges. This provides a considerable savings compared to the a la carte price for accommodations, food and beverages. Students who buy the all-inclusive package will have to pay additional fees if they opt to have more than two glasses of wine, beer, fruit juice or soda per day or if they have any snacks or types of alcoholic beverages not included in the all-inclusive package. There will also be surcharges if they opt for higher quality wine, beer, fruit juice or soda than what is included in the package.
A super-all-inclusive package is also available. This includes everything in the regular all-inclusive package plus unlimited use for the entire week of your choice of a male or female prostitute who will delude you into believing that you are the best lover he or she has ever had.
The super-all-inclusive package does not include any additional free drinks or better quality drinks, but the bartender will convince super-all-inclusive-package-buyers that they drank four free premium drinks per day rather than just the two glasses of rotgut that they did, in fact, drink. This will allow you to delude yourself into believing that you can metabolize alcohol faster than you really can. It will also teach you to fool yourself into getting immense joy out of horrid, but low-priced beverages, thereby allowing you to get further pleasure by giving the money you save to the Church. (See session S-DEL125, below.)
The price of the super-all-inclusive package is $69,690.69.
Because most people are already fairly good at self-delusion (including deluding themselves into believing that they aren’t delusional), the majority of attendees will be encouraged to spend much of their time sitting around the pool in skimpy bathing suits telling themselves that they have exceptionally hot bodies.
The following is merely a small sampling of the sessions that are available during the week in this new course:
- S-DEL100. All students are required to attend this session, which is scheduled at the start of the week. Instructors spend the time evaluating the self-delusion abilities of the attendees. Instructors use this assessment to stream students into the appropriate level of training and/or pool attendance. Throughout the assessment process, instructors regularly poll attendees to ensure that the process is engaging, entertaining and exciting. Anyone who answers honestly in the affirmative will be given the option of spending the rest of the week at the pool and/or in the bar because they are clearly already sufficiently self-deluded.
- S-DEL113, S-DEL213 & S-DEL313. In an elementary session (S-DEL113) students are taught how to believe that God One loves them. Intermediate students (S-DEL213) learn how to believe that three or more of the infinite number of Gods love them. Advanced students (S-DEL313) learn to believe that at least ten of the Gods not only love them, but lust after them as well.
- S-DEL125. This mandatory session is particularly popular with The Church of Infinitiaty, but less so with students. Here, students are taught to faithfully believe that it is better to give than to receive.
At the end of the session, students will be required to donate $100 to The Church of Infinitiaty to prove that they have fully subsumed this moral. Donations may be made by cash, credit card or wire transfer. If a student grumbles about making the donation or if the instructor detects that a student is the least bit unhappy about making it, the student will be required to donate an additional $100. Further donations will be required until the student accepts this obligation willingly and happily. This is required so as to prove that he or she truly believes deep down in his or her heart, soul and brain that it is better to give than to receive.
- S-DEL233-E. This elective seminar is open to any man who has learned that he is not the biological father of a child born to a woman who claimed to have been faithful to him. A student who passes this course will believe that the child was the result of a virgin birth and the true father is the God who planted His seed without the pleasure of penetrating the mother or even kissing her. If there is time remaining in the session after all students have passed the test, students will also be taught how to console a mother when she becomes angry because the impregnating God never called her after He had His way with her.
- S-DEL242. The week is not all work and no play during this new course. S-DEL242 simulates a festive religious holiday. Students are taught how to make themselves believe that the religious aspects of the holiday are what are most spiritually and ritually important, not the plethora of gifts that the students give to family and friends. This hands-on, role-playing workshop is held in the gold and diamonds section of an Infinitiaty souvenir shop.
Instructors and visiting Infinitiaty clergy and officials play the role of the family and friends who receive the gifts. (Because they are already certified self-deluders, the instructors, clergy and officials are required to only receive, not give gifts.) Students are encouraged to convince themselves that the more deeply they go into debt as a result of their gift giving, the happier they truly are.
At the end of the week all students must submit to a test of their self-delusion abilities. They are strapped into chairs and hooked up to the most sophisticated lie detectors available. Students are then shown explicit images of exceptionally devastating human consequences of real-life earthquakes, fires, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, wars, suicide bombings, famines and dreaded diseases. After viewing two hours’ worth of these gruesome images the students are required to state with conviction the words, “Gods are great.”
If the lie detector indicates that a student is lying when speaking those words the student is held in an empty room without being allowed to eat or sleep until the student willingly agrees that, for his or own good, he or she must take the course again. The student will have to pay the full cost again, plus 30 percent to compensate the instructor for the damage done to the instructor’s self-esteem due to the failure of the student. The student will be required to sign a legal contract committing him or her to take the course and pay the course fee and compensatory premium.
Before being allowed to leave the room, the student must pay a 25 percent deposit on that second course. If the student doesn’t honestly enjoy paying the 25 percent deposit it will be increased to 50 percent.
If you would like to learn how to delude yourself at will or if you simply want to improve your self-delusion skills, sign up today for this new course!
Despite not being compensated in the least for doing so, your local Infinitiaty clergy member will be genuinely thrilled to provide all of the assistance you need to sign up for the course and book your accommodation at an Infinitiaty residential facility. Or, to make the booking process even more convenient, call The Church of Infinitiaty’s toll-free line and rest assured that your call is important to us.