You’ve got to hand it to the Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) of Infinitiaty. She’s always thinking up creative new ways to promote the glory of the Gods. The CMO’s latest idea is the recently launched InfiniRewards, a loyalty program designed for frequent donors to the Church of Infinitiaty.
Here’s how it works. First, you apply to the InfiniRewards loyalty program. (The CMO expects that most InfiniRewards members will be Infinitians, but membership in our church is not required in order to join the program.) Along with your application, send the program initiation fee of $295. After that, it costs only $49.95 a year to renew your membership.
(Note: Your InfiniRewards card is replaced only once every four years. However, your rewards will be cancelled and unrecoverable and your membership will be terminated if you don’t pay the annual renewal fee within the 30-day grace period. After that, to rejoin the program, you will have to pay the initiation fee again and your point total will start over at zero. If your card is lost or stolen before its expire date it will be replaced for a mere $12.95, plus shipping and handling, with no points penalty. Memberships and points are not transferable.)
After you receive your InfiniRewards card, provide your membership number every time you donate to the Church of Infinitiaty or buy services or religious merchandise from The Church. You will receive one InfiniRewards point for every dollar you spend on goods and services from The Church. Better yet, you’ll receive two points for every dollar you donate to The Church without expecting any goods or services in return.
(Note: The initiation, renewal and card replacement fees for the InfiniRewards program are not eligible for points.)
Loyalty Program of the Gods
The CMO has negotiated with several Gods—and is in discussions with countless more. Many of Them have agreed to participate in the InfiniRewards program.
After your death, participating Gods will provide you with unique bonuses and upgrades in Their heavens in return for a specified number of points. For example, some Gods will exchange points for accommodations on one of the higher clouds with better views. Others will provide a lifetime pass to a heavenly brothel. Or you might like a pair of designer wings. And so on.
The available bonuses and upgrades, and the number of points required to acquire them, vary among the Gods and are subject to change without notice. Plus, a number of Gods entered the program on the condition that their rewards will be revealed to souls only after the souls’ corporeal bodies have died. Consequently, it’s impossible to provide information about the available rewards here.
After you die, while you are cruising on the River Styx (the Greeks were right about there being a River Styx), preparing to fill in applications to the various Gods’ heavens, you will receive a catalog of all of the available rewards and the number of points required to receive them. You can use this catalog to help you decide which Gods’ heavens to apply to first.
Keep in mind that none of the Gods are obliged to accept you into Their heavens. Be prepared for disappointment if you haven’t lived up to any of your preferred Gods’ standards.
Also keep in mind that you cannot buy points after your corporeal death. If you don’t have enough points when you die to get the rewards you want, you are out of luck. So, it is crucial to give as much as you can to the Church of Infinitiaty now. After all, you never know when your time will come. You want to be sure that you will be well rewarded when it does.