Note: This was written last Friday, but it was not posted until today due to an exceptionally long, drug-induced nap.
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Most assuredly, God One is a truly great, good, glorious and all-round awesome deity. Even if he does sometimes work in mysterious ways. Just when some of His creations begin to doubt His presence in our universe—a doubt that causes horrendous despair throughout the land and that also possibly, but unlikely, begets an inexplicable, widespread plague of the munchies—He provides us with incontrovertible proof of His existence. Moreover, it is a proof that is so clear that it cannot be mistrusted or disputed by even the most steadfast and rational of skeptics.
The following is only the most recent example of such a proof—or, rather, the most recent example that His publicists have had a chance to hype. There have undoubtedly been millions more that have occurred around the world in the past few hours that have, as of yet, gone unpublicized.
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In Gull Abel Gulch (GAG), Wyoming, in the most-righteous United States of America, you will find or, rather, you would have found the GAG God One Holy Church and Pizzeria. It was renowned for being one of the most profitable of the third-tier Infinitiaty church franchises. As you likely gathered from its name, it was licensed to preach the gospel of only God One, and not the gospels of any of the other Gods. Its attached restaurant, which was wholly owned by the church, also had the well-deserved reputation of serving the most heavenly pizza you or anyone else have ever tasted.
The village of Gull Abel Gulch was situated at the base of a south-pointing V formed by the intersection of two deep gulches, Gull Gulch and Abel Gulch. To call it a village was more than a bit of a stretch. It consisted of the church/pizzeria and six homes that housed the Church Manager and five Church Reverends.
Despite the almost nonexistent population of the village, the church was relatively large because its franchise gave it exclusive rights to serve parishioners from all of the cities, towns, villages and rat holes within a 275-mile radius.
Because the Gull and Abel Gulches are narrow, the church and homes filled not only the area between the natural external walls at the southern end of the V and the streams that had carved out the two steep ravines, but the gulch walls behind the church had also been excavated, making them more sheer and providing more room for the buildings.
This spot is unique in the entire world because, at the exact point where the two streams merge, the water dives into a naturally formed tunnel feeding an aquifer. This tunnel is just wide enough to accommodate the normal flow of the streams, leaving the pointy bit of the V dry except after major storms or in the spring after a winter of heavy snowfall. The church and associated structures had been carefully waterproofed to protect them from this regular flooding.
As it happens, the Tinnitus Metals Corporation—a mom, pop and bastard children shop—had recently found a small tin deposit buried not far below the surface beyond the gulches, immediately south of the church. Tinnitus Metals was so named in a successful attempt to convince the company’s minimum wage, part-time workers (i.e., all of them except the owners) that it was a great, manly (or womanly, as the case may be—the company didn’t discriminate) honor to develop a perpetual ringing in their ears as a result of setting off explosives during mining operations without using any expensive ear protection devices.
Last Friday, eager to get at the tin it had found so it could include the metal’s accrued revenue in the company’s next quarterly report, Tinnitus Metals applied to the state government for an expedited permit to begin mining the lode. Because the senior civil servant responsible for processing the application was anxious to begin his weekend and because he had long planned to bugger off with pay and play video games on his office computer the whole of the following three weeks, he issued the permit immediately to get the paperwork off his desk quickly. The fact that, in this precarious economy, all local, state and federal politicians were eager for any increase in economic activity that would dupe the electorate into reelecting them further convinced the civil servant that his haste would be immensely appreciated.
Not being totally derelict in his duties, the civil servant noticed that the mining application duly noted that the church was immediately below the proposed mine site. He recognized that this could pose a danger as Tinnitus Metals planned to use a large charge of dynamite to blast the tin out of the rock. Nonetheless, the civil servant approved the request because, thanks to the education he received when attaining an MBA from the Gunneff Online School of Business, he recognized that the company would not be able to profitably mine the tin using safer, but slower and more costly extraction processes.
To ensure the safety of churchgoers, the issued permit stipulated that the company had to delay the blasting operations until the following Wednesday (the day before yesterday) and immediately send a registered letter to the church warning it of the danger so that the church officials could ensure that the building was empty when the dynamite charges were ignited.
The company didn’t merely meet these requirements. It exceeded them.
The registered letter was sent within twenty-five minutes of the permit being approved last Friday. Not only that, but the company deferred the blasting operations one day more than required to ensure that the church would receive the letter in time. In addition, the blasting was scheduled at night so that there would be no chance of parishioners wandering into the church unawares if they didn’t get the warning.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. The post office clerk who accepted the registered letter didn’t notice that it had insufficient postage. The letter carrier who was about to deliver the envelope to the church on Monday spotted the deficiency and brought the letter back to the local post office when he went there the next day to pick up the mail for distribution.
The post office immediately returned the letter to Tinnitus Metals’ headquarters with a warning that the missing postage had to be added before the letter would be delivered. The nearly illiterate, low-wage clerk in the company’s mailroom didn’t realize the importance of the letter, so he didn’t act on it immediately. The upshot was that the notice of the impending mining operations was not resent until three business days after the explosives were detonated.
That’s not the worst of it.
Tinnitus Metals was unaware that Thursday was the church’s regular bingo night. This was a wildly popular event because the entire region was thoroughly entertainment-starved. To encourage whole families to attend, the church’s pizza parlor held a sale on bingo nights, offering two pizzas for the price of three. The bingo prizes were exceptionally stingy but, because the area suffered from a severe brain drought, people swarmed into the church on bingo night to take advantage of the pizza deal.
Not wanting to have to blast too many times, the mining company loaded the top of the gulches with several times more dynamite than was necessary. Because of the loud ringing in their ears that had developed as a result of previous mining operations elsewhere, the company’s employees did not hear the boisterous bingo merriment going on below them. What’s more, the steep gulch walls meant that the miners peered almost vertically down on the church’s roof, which shielded the holy frivolity from the miners’ view.
Confident that all was safe and secure below where she had installed the dynamite, the company’s explosives expert set off her charge. When the sides of the gulch tumbled down and buried the church under large boulders to a depth of more than ten feet, 238 men, women and children were inside.
Because the structure slowed the progress of the boulders somewhat, few people died immediately. Instead, most suffered unimaginably agonizing pain, in some cases for hours, before uttering their final dying screams of torment.
Under other circumstances, some of those people might have been saved, but it took longer than normal for emergency crews to arrive because the nearest responders who weren’t under the rubble were more than 100 miles away. Furthermore, they were delayed for more than two hours because it was two-for-one hooker night at the local illicit, back-room brothel.
A Miracle: One of God One’s Mysterious Ways
Miraculously, not everyone inside the church at the time died. Two people walked away without a scratch because, before the disaster struck, they had hidden themselves behind the massive safe that the church used to protect its copious collection-plate donations and other revenues until the funds could be laundered.
The safe was located in a cavern carved into the solid granite behind the rest of the church. Apart from its geological protection, the safe itself was designed to be more secure than Fort Knox.
When the boulders came crashing down, their forward motion carried them toward the middle of the gulch, pushing much of the church’s structure ahead of them. This exposed enough of a gap at the top of the safe’s cavern to allow the pair to easily crawl out unharmed after the tragedy’s massive dust cloud settled, leaving a thick, smothering blanket over the rubble and the souls who perished excruciatingly beneath it.
Clearly, God One had performed a miracle to save these two people. The survivors, a man and a woman who snuck into the church posing as a married couple, were strangers to the locals. The pair had come with the intention of stealing all of the bingo winnings and eating a couple of pizzas without paying for them. They were hiding behind the safe until a good opportunity to execute their plan presented itself.
The rockslide occurred before the two were able to perform their dastardly deed. Consequently, they got away with nothing—not even a bite of pizza.
Could there be any greater proof of God One’s existence? No, there could not. Despite the great cost to Him in the loss of some of the most devout of His flock—His own beloved creations—God One brought down the rocks to prevent the alleged couple from perpetrating their dastardly crime and, thereby, sinning against His church. Blessed be He.
The faithless might argue, “if God One exists, He should have killed the wicked or stopped them through some non-lethal means rather than massacring the faithful.” Forgive them their ignorance. They have eyes, but they do not see.
God One is the closest thing we’ve got to all-seeing, all-knowing. We, on the other hand, are mere mortals and complete idiots compared to him. In fact, many of our species are complete idiots compared to amoebae—consider the Bush administration, for example. Yet, all that has ever happened—all that ever will happen (except fraternity house toga parties and the hula hoop craze)—is part of God One’s Great Plan. How could we, with only facts and rationality as our guide, possibly hope to understand His supreme plan?
Seemingly Mysterious Ways
He might seem to work in mysterious ways, but they might just be mysterious to us.
And think about it. If the solution that He delivered had been one that was obvious to us, or at least made some semblance of sense, we would have questioned His greatness because, after all, even us idiots could have thought of it. However, by instead following a course of action that no human can make the least sense of, God One proved His vast superiority over us.
But even that is not the full extent of the wonderful thing He has done for us, His followers. By proving His existence, He has, as it is written, also proven the existence of all of the infinite number of Gods. Nothing can exist without something causing it to exist. Thus, if God One exists, there must be a God who created Him, and a God who created Her, and a God who created Him, and so on, and so on ad infinitum.
Thus, through this one event, God One has proven not only His existence, but also the fundamental principles that underlie the Infinitian religion, the one true religion. Yes, God One is truly great, good and glorious.
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There is a postscript to this account of God One’s sublimity. Ironically, Tinnitus Metals gained no tin as recompense for its efforts or for the moments of mild guilt that the company’s executives felt due to the tragedy they had caused. The discovery that had led them to believe that they might find a cache of tin above the convergence of the Gull and Abel Gulches turned out to be a small piece of tin foil manufactured before the days of aluminum foil and buried by hikers who did not want to litter the surface of what was then a beautiful, pristine landscape.
But was this, indeed, ironic or was it to be expected? One look at the composition of the board of directors and of the management of Tinnitus Metals Corporation leaves no doubt that it was God One who deprived them of the tin they greedily sought. There was not one Infinitian among them. God One has thus shown us that he will not allow the heathen to profit from their wicked ways.
To further punish the evil ones, He caused Tinnitus Metals to declare bankruptcy today, just one day after the tragedy. Unfortunately, this means that the guiltless families of the victims of the tragedy, including many dependents, will not receive any compensation for the suffering and hardship the company caused. Nonetheless, all will readily recognize and agree that this was a small price to pay to plainly demonstrate the justness of God One. The rapacious, multi-million-dollar-per-share dividend that the company paid minutes before going bankrupt was, thanks to the harsh sentence imposed by God One, the last that the evil, unextraditable company owners will ever receive in their luxurious tropical hideaway.
So, mysterious ways? Maybe. But maybe we just don’t see.
Holy be God One. Praise be to His number.