Do I look like an insurance agent or broker? I dress conservatively, I’m kind of boring and relentless in trying to sell my beliefs, but that is not enough to make me an insurance salesman. For that I’d have to, well, you know, sell policies. I don’t.
But people must think I do because lately I’ve been inundated with questions about insurance. I’ll quote just a few: “Hey Sage Mike, can you use your influence with the Gods to get me a great deal on home insurance?” “Does the Church have any good recommendations on where to find exceptionally low quotes on car insurance?” “Does it make sense for me to buy life insurance, or am I fated to live a long life?” “Should I invest in health coverage or is it cheaper to move to Canada?”
Why are you people asking me all of these questions? I’m an Infinitiaty Sage. I know nothing about insurance. And, just to be clear, by that I mean I am ignorant about every type of insurance: car, health, life, home, and any other type that you might be considering buying. Stop asking me.
Besides, even if I did know something about insurance it would be against Church policy to offer advice about it because buying coverage is considered to be a sin in the Infinitian religion.
Insurance Insults the Gods
The reason is simple. Buying insurance is an insult to the Gods. It means that you don’t trust Their ability or Their willingness to protect you and your property. Either that or you have committed a sin but you are unwilling to buy the dispensation necessary to get you off the hook with the Gods. In that case, to hell with you! You deserve any loss you incur.
Insurance is acceptable in the eyes of the Gods in only a couple of circumstances. It is allowed if you name the Church of Infinitiaty as the sole beneficiary of the policy. This signals to the Gods that you are willing to sacrifice your life, home, car or whatever else you insure if the Gods need a way to raise money for the Church.
Likewise, and for the same reason, insurance bought by the Church naming itself as the sole beneficiary is also morally acceptable to the Gods. When the Church buys it, if the Church runs short of cash, one of the Gods can start a fire in one of the Church’s buildings so the insurance company can be forced to refill the Church’s coffers. But don’t quote me on that. It is a widely followed policy, but it is not a published Church policy.
(Church officials taking advantage of this exemption are advised to buy policies from companies run by people who don’t believe in Infinitiaty or, preferably, who are atheists. Otherwise, the company might refuse to pay the benefit due to an act-of-Gods clause.)
In fairness, I should point out that there is another loophole that will allow you to buy insurance and name you or your heirs as the beneficiary.
The Infinideities Insurance Company is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Church of Infinitiaty. Its original purpose was to extract money from non-believers by selling them policies. The Infinideities has been very successful in meeting this goal. Its rates are very reasonable, but it always denies claims because it correctly asserts that all loses are the result of an act of one God or another and, therefore, excluded under the policies that the Infinideities issues.
The Infinideities’ policies were originally intended to punish non-believers by relieving them of their premiums, but because the money goes to the Church of Infinitiaty, the Gods have agreed to look the other way if a church member buys a policy from the Infinideities. The Gods will still be upset that you don’t trust them to protect you and your property, but they won’t punish you for buying the policy.