After lengthy, intensive consultations with Infinitiaty’s Chief Executive Officer, Chief Tithing Officer and Chief Sage Officer over several rounds of absurdly expensive single malt scotch, the Chief Operating Officer of Infinitiaty has declared that, henceforth, all parishioners shall refer to their Church Managers and Reverends as either Father or Mother, as appropriate for the sex of the Church Manager or Reverend. This contrasts with the “Hey You” that is now the common greeting in Infinitian Churches for church managers and reverends.
If the Reverend and Manager in a church are of the same sex, the Church of Infinitiaty has no problem whatsoever with the church having two Mothers or two Fathers. It’s a perfectly natural occurrence.
If the Church Reverend is literally a child of the Church Manager at the same church, or vice versa, the elder shall be called Grandfather or Grandmother as appropriate.
Church Managers and Reverends undergoing sex change procedures may choose to be called either Mother or Father (or Grandmother or Grandfather, if their child is a Manager or Reverend at the same church) during the transition, but he/she must stick with his/her new gender-appropriate appellation once his or sex change is complete.
Mothers or Fathers Day Gifts for Church Managers and Reverends
Commensurate with this revision of honorifics, all parishioners are now required to send their Church Managers and Reverends gifts on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, as appropriate. To avoid any risk of Managers and Reverends receiving hundreds of, say, toasters, gifts should all be cash, preferably in untraceable bills.
You must give larger gifts to your church’s Grandmother or Grandfather, if there is one, because they are, after all, grand versions of the church’s Mother or Father.
If your Church Manager and/or Reverend begins a sex change process before Mother’s Day and all of the procedures are not complete by Father’s Day—as will be likely in at least one year and quite possibly more—you must send him/her gifts on both days so as to not offend either gender.
If the Church Manager and Church Reverend at a church are siblings, one of them may choose to be referred to as Aunt or Uncle, but only one may use this honorific. This practice is optional. It is recommended that the Aunt and Uncle honorifics not be used because there is no Aunts’ Day or Uncles’ Day, so there would be no gifts for a church’s Aunt or Uncle. If for reasons of insanity—for there can be no other reason—the Reverend or Manager in a church chooses to use the Aunt or Uncle honorific, the choice of which sibling will be forced to use the ungifted designation is at the sole discretion of the siblings.
Not all parishioners can afford to send expensive gifts to their Church Manager and Church Reverend every year, particularly if they belong to several Infinitian Churches so they can worship several of the infinite number of Gods. The Church of Infinitiaty recognizes this potential hardship and, as a result, The Church does not require that you send either greeting cards or flowers to your Church Managers and Reverends on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. The cash gift will be sufficient.
There is an interesting sidebar to this story. At the abovementioned scotch-infused meeting it was also decided that when anyone speaks about or with one of us Sages, they should refer to us as Sister or Brother. However, we banded together and fought against that decision.
We objected because we would have been required to have new business cards printed at our own expense. Because there is no Brothers Day or Sisters Day there would have been no opportunity for us to earn the expense back in new gifts. So we fought it. And we won.
This is the first time in living memory that the Sages have won a battle against the upper echelons of the Church of Infinitiaty. But I think we’ll be winning more in the future.
You see, Sages had never shared much information before, but it seems that, collectively, we know where pretty well all of the figurative and literal bodies are buried.