The notion that there is only one God is patently absurd. Nothing can be created without a Creator. That is so brilliantly obvious that we do not need to think about it. Thus, every God must have another God who created Him, Her or It. Hence, there must be an infinite number of Gods.
This Truth is inescapable. Yet many Infinitians find it difficult to wrap their minds around the concept of an infinite number of Gods. How, they ask, can there always be more Gods no matter high how you count?
Well, if you think that’s mind-blowing, consider this: Many Infinitian scholars—not even counting the ones in mental institutions—believe that there aren’t just an infinite number of Gods. Each God is also infinite in nature. Thus, the sum of all godliness is infinity times infinity, i.e., infinity squared.
Infinity to the Power of Infinity? Infinity Squared? It’s all infinity.
Or is that infinity raised to the power of infinity? I don’t know. I’m a Sage, not a mathematician. Infinity squared is easier to say than infinity raised to the power of infinity. And it sounds way cooler. So I’ll go with that. I’ll use the symbol for infinity to the power of infinity just to cover all bases.
I’ve seen many people go insane trying to think too hard about the concept of an infinite number of Gods. Putting myriad brain cells to work contemplating infinity squared would kill them. This is why we tell people that they should accept everything on faith, not reason. It’s the only rational way to approach all matters addressed by the Church.
Nevertheless, some foolish people insist on thinking things through, Gods help them. That presents a serious problem. Some of the questions are unfathomable. Trying to think them through could lead to insanity.
We obviously don’t want our parishioners to go insane. If they did, they’d have to stop working and spend all of their money on mental health care rather than working hard, earning lots of money and donating it all to the Church. Clearly, we can’t have that because the Gods are furious about any decline in their income. They do, after all, have to keep up appearances to sway nonbelievers.
New Course: Infinity Squared
And, it goes without saying, that we don’t want parishioners to die prematurely. That would permanently stop our cash flow from them. At the very least we want to extend their lives until we’ve had a chance to convince them to designate the Church—as the Gods’ representative on Earth—as sole beneficiary of their wills. To prevent the insanity or death that might result from contemplating an infinite number of infinite Gods, the Church of Infinity has created a new course. It’s called, naturally, Infinity Squared. It will be available soon in your local Infinitian Church. The idea is that the course will condition your mind to think about infinity without short-circuiting.
I have not yet attended the classes. Consequently, I’m not familiar with all of the syllabus’ intricacies.
I planned to interview the course’s inventor before writing this post. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. Immediately after he finished designing and testing the lessons, a team of psychiatrists ordered him and the students he tested the course on to be locked in a padded quiet place for at least 12 months with no access to sharp objects or other people.
Despite not knowing the fine points of the course materials, I can tell you that, in general, as I understand it, the curriculum is the following: You are first encouraged to visualize a familiar object—any familiar object. After you hold a vision of the object in your mind for about ten minutes, you are then encouraged to visualize two of them.
Eight minutes later, you are encouraged to visualize four of the same object. Seven minutes later you visualize eight objects. Six and a half minutes later you visualize 16 objects. Six and a quarter minutes later you visualize 32. And so on.
At steadily, but slowly decreasing intervals you double the number of copies of the object that you visualize in your head until all of the neurons and synapses in your brain are fully occupied visualizing copies of the object. At that point, your fully engaged brain will have simulated infinity as close as any human can come to it.
After successfully completing this exercise several times you will find it much easier to contemplate the implications of infinity, and even infinity squared, without going any crazier than the course will make you.
There is one serious warning attached to the Infinity Squared course. Do not attempt to do the exercises without a trained instructor present to guide you. When you reach the final stage of each exercise all—note the emphasis on all—of your brain’s neurons and synapses will be working on that task. Thus, they will no longer be available to manage even unconscious functions such as your pulse and breathing. Thus, an experienced instructor must be present to pull you back quickly the instant you reach the abyss because I’m told that a steady heartbeat and respiration are generally considered to be medically beneficial.
The price of each session of this course is $1,995, plus gratuities. In addition, students will be required to buy all of the course materials, including narcotics. The Church of Infinitiaty assumes no responsibility for any mental impairments or legal entanglements that you might suffer as a result of taking the Infinity Squared course.