Reverend Fleesurmoni of the Sukkerborn, Nevada-based Blessed God 8724 Church of Infinitiaty asked me to let you know that his church’s nightly bingo games, along with its regular all-day Sunday tournaments, have been suspended indefinitely.
According to Reverend Fleesurmoni, many parishioners complained about the gambling issues associated with running the lucrative games. A large contingent of parishioners has been protesting loudly for quite some time about church-based gambling. Reverent Fleesurmoni decided it was finally time to take decisive action to address their complaints.
It seems that the church-run offsite “charity” casino, a division that is independent of the church’s bingo operations, is extremely crowded almost all the time. As a result, parishioners and others often have to wait in long lines to gamble there. Meanwhile, down the road, there is plenty of room at the church-basement bingo tables. This has caused great hardship for casino-goers.
A leader of an ad hoc parishioners’ committee threatened that her group would take its gambling elsewhere if the church-run casino refused to expand its operations to accommodate their gambling aspirations. Obviously, it would have been a grave sin against God 8724, the church’s patron God, to run the risk of the parishioners following through on their threat.
Worse, by frustrating gamblers and preventing them from gambling as much as they would like, it has also resulted in a significant loss of potential revenue for the church because much more money is gambled at the casino than at the bingo games. Plus, sales of high-margin alcoholic beverages are much greater at the casino than at the bingo games.
The church is working to alleviate this problem. It bought several new blackjack and other card-game tables, roulette wheels, craps tables and slot machines. Because the church is a extremely good customer, its gaming supplies dealer agreed to fill the order very quickly by deferring shipments to other customers. The equipment has been loaded into a sturdy, climate-controlled tent until the main casino can be properly expanded.
Miraculously—God 8724 be praised—all of this was accomplished in less than one month. Unfortunately, hiring, training and performing criminal background checks on sufficient staff is taking much longer than expected. Fortunately, most of the bingo staff had already been cross-trained for casino work. Because the casino is much more lucrative than the church-basement bingo games, Reverend Fleesurmoni transferred all of the bingo staff to the casino to meet the increased demand there.
Bingo Subscriptions Continue
If you are a member of one of the church’s discounted monthly bingo subscription plans, subscription fees will continue to be charged to your credit card. When the games resume you will be entitled to double the number of bingo cards you play each week. There will be no any additional charges for these extra cards for a period equal to the length of the suspension. In addition, as a way of saying thank you for their patience, for a full month after the suspension ends, monthly bingo subscribers will be entitled to two free olives with every regularly priced cocktail they buy at the bingo hall.
Parishioners who normally play on a pay-as-you-go basis will not be required to buy any bingo cards during the suspension. However, they can buy commemorative cards from the church if they wish.
Fees paid for church-sanctioned bingo-card daubers will not be refunded. However, the daubers may be retained and used when the games resume, provided that the ink does not dry out. So, keep those daubers well capped. And don’t worry about the small holes in the dauber caps. They are designed to keep the ink fresh.
As required in every Infinitiaty church franchise agreement, Reverend Fleesurmoni, who, to keep costs down, holds both the Church Reverend and Church Manager positions in his church, sought approval from the head-office of the Church of Infinitiaty for this temporary bingo suspension before going ahead with it. The Church authorized the stoppage because its share of earnings from church “charity” casino operations is higher than its take on church bingo games.
The Sukkerborn Blessed God 8724 Church of Infinitiaty will resume its games as soon as it is able to hire enough new employees to allow it to run the church-basement bingo games and the expanded casino operations simultaneously, without jeopardizing parishioner and gambler satisfaction levels.
Reverend Fleesurmoni regrets and apologizes for any inconvenience that the suspension of bingo games might cause. In the meantime, he recommends that you fulfill your spiritual entertainment requirements in the church’s casino.