In an earlier post I told you that you should choose which of the infinite number of Gods you worship carefully. Some of Them insist that Their worshippers perform some terribly weird—and occasionally excruciatingly painful—rites. Well, it’s not solely the rites you have to watch out for. Some of the Gods insist that their worshippers adhere to a few exceptionally bizarre—and occasionally ridiculously demanding—rules.
In other words, you don’t have to just perform the rites. You also have to avoid the wrongs. In many cases, that’s much more than any of us should have bear simply to worship one of the Gods, particularly considering that there are an infinite number of other Gods whom you can waste your time worshipping instead.
Unfortunately, the Gods with weird and painful rites aren’t necessarily the same Gods as the Ones with demanding and definitely weird rules. If they were, it would be easy to figure out which Gods to avoid worshipping. Instead, it generally comes down to a decision that requires trading off rites against rules. Figuring out how to assess that balance is a challenge, to say the least.
A Small Sampling of the Gods’ Weird Rules
In my previous post I covered a few of the Gods’ strange rites. Now consider the following small sample of weird rules:
- By an exceptionally improbable divine quirk of the supernatural, God 13817 insists that His worshippers eat ten Brussels sprouts—no more, no less—every Friday and never eat any shellfish. At the same time, God 13817’s Creator, God 13818, insists that Her followers eat exactly 10 shrimps every Friday, but never eat any Brussels sprouts.
- God 28166 has a perfectly sensible rule that is nonetheless a tad eccentric. Her worshippers are not allowed to wear visibly an item of plaid clothing if they are also wearing an item of clothing with a paisley pattern that is likewise visible. Underwear does not count unless the wearer is planning to have sex that day.
- Among God 3815’s weird rules is one that says that worshippers shalt not bear false mustaches. By extension, they are forbidden to imitate Groucho Marx unless they grow a real mustache. This is considered to be discriminatory against women, but God 3815 doesn’t care. That’s just the sort of God he is.
- Female worshippers of God 37819 are not allowed to take the reins of oxcarts. They may be passengers on an oxcart, but only if their husband, father or brother is driving. None of the creatures, intelligent or otherwise, in the universe that God 37819 created have invented the internal combustion engine or any other non-organic transportation technology so He has not yet bothered to revise His no-women-oxcart-drivers rule to reflect modern transportation technologies here on Earth. Consequently, God 37819’s worshippers living in God One’s universe are allowed to drive cars—for now. However, it is expected that, on one of his many visits to God One’s universe, God 37819 will notice and close this loophole. You’ve been warned.
- Male worshippers of God 8346 are forbidden to ever trim their sideburns, also known as their “pious hair.” Once their pious hair has grown long enough to drag liberally on the ground they are required to tie the ends of their two sideburns together in a knot. Men are then forever forbidden to refuse the requests of any young worshippers who wish to use men’s knotted pious hair as skipping ropes. This can be quite painful because the pious hair must remain attached to the man’s face. While doing their jumps, children often inadvertently trip on the twirling pious hair or kick the man, who, of course, can’t distance himself from his pious hair.
Men who do not live long enough to grow their pious hair to road-sweeping lengths are not allowed into God 8346’s heaven, but She does not make any attempt to block their applications for entry into other Gods’ heavens.
- Think the above are weird rules? Get a load of this one: God 673 insists that the females of all “intelligent” species not expose more than four square inches of flesh when in the presence of any male who is not her husband. Women are allowed to choose any four square inches and some elect to expose their nipples or vagina. God 673 had tried to impose this rule on the females of “unintelligent” species as well, but, inexplicably, the females of unintelligent species don’t fall for this crap. Go figure.
- God 6484 allows her worshippers to have consensual sex for pleasure with whomever they want whenever they want, but it must be only for pleasure, never for procreation. Heterosexual couples are required to use at least two forms of contraception simultaneously during sex in case one fails. In the unlikely event that both forms of contraception fail and the woman gets pregnant God 6484 commands that she get an abortion. There are no exceptions for married couples.
Homosexual couples are excused from the requirement to use contraceptives, but condoms are still recommended for health reasons.
There is a obvious drawback to this rule. Every generation of God 6484-worshippers must convert new people to Her worship if they are to keep their churches full.
Infinitiaty’s Chief Sage Officer once asked God 6484 the reason for this seemingly bizarre, self-defeating commandment. She explained that it was to counter the disastrous effects of preachers in some other religions telling their flocks that their false God’s be-fruitful-and-multiply rule was still in effect despite there now being more than seven billion people on Earth.
The preachers of Infinitiaty are enlightened enough to know that God One suspended this rule after the population exceeded a couple billion, but, according to God 6484, neither God One nor any of the other Gods were doing enough to counter the overpopulation caused by the false religions, so She took matters into Her own hands.
- God 372 is no shirker when it comes to weird rules. Many Gods have rules about “keeping the Sabbath,” but God 372’s Sabbath rules—or at least their timing—are different than most.
God 372 has been responsible for fashioning and populating many a universe in Her time and she always follows the same pattern when doing so. She doesn’t like to rush carelessly into things the way some devil-may-care Gods do. Instead, She first spends a day contemplating goals, objectives and aesthetic qualities for Her new universe.
(As everyone knows, the creation of a raw, unformed universe is the result of a “big bang,” the mutual orgasm that climaxes a vigorous round of sex between two or more Gods. Because it is the unintended byproduct of a divine orgasmic experience, the initial creation of an unformed universe is never counted in the enumeration of the steps required to fashion an end-state universe.)
Then, on the second day, She creates light and takes great care to separate it from dark so the creatures She eventually designs for her universe will be able to sleep in dark rooms or caves without the light always overpowering the dark.
Creating light takes much more work than most people—and most neophyte Gods, for that matter—think. So, after creating light God 372 takes a day off to recharge Her batteries before getting to the serious work of creating everything else in Her new universe.
She then works for three straight days doing things like creating planets, water, dry land and other inanimate objects.
After that, She takes a full two days off before creating Her living creatures. She’s seen how other Gods have totally screwed that up. In Their haste to be done with it, They frequently create disease-prone, malformed, hapless creatures that often don’t get along with other species or even with other members of their own species. She doesn’t want to do that to Her own creatures through Her exhaustion, nor through Her haste. Consequently, after taking two days off, she spends a full three days creating her creatures.
She then takes another rest day to celebrate Her job well done.
To honor Her and show reverence for Her Creation work schedule, God 372 commands that all of Her worshippers—including those living in other Gods’ universes—adopt a calendar with 12-day weeks. For the full first day of the week, known as Diejde, Her worshippers are required to sit in completely dark rooms and do nothing but think.
The next day, Assende, is a workday. Her worshippers are required to labor for a full 24 hours. On that day they can eat, urinate and defecate if totally necessary, but only if totally necessary. However, they may not take any longer than necessary to do so. And they must perform all of those bodily functions at their workstations, without interrupting their labors.
The third day of the week, Cantdusde, is a rest day. God 372’s worshippers are strictly forbidden to do any work on that day.
The next three days, Klebarde, Joalesede, and Michalsede, are workdays. God 372 does not insist that Her worshippers follow Her example of working around-the-clock without any breaks on those days, but worshippers who are unemployed and are, therefore, unable to honor Her by working at all on those days will be punished severely.
God 372’s worshippers then have another two strictly enforced rest days, Bueferde and Zeujeurde, followed by three workdays, Searde, Gaulfarterde and Friday.
Finally, they observe another mandatory rest day, Satsunde, before beginning their week all over again. And again. And again. And again. … And again, until they die.
Vacations and retirement (and, as already mentioned, unemployment) are not considered to be acceptable excuses for not working on mandated workdays because that would be disrespectful to God 372 and Her divine work schedule. Four hours of work per workday is considered the bare minimum required to honor God 372. And more is better.
With an infinite number of Gods, the weird rules never end. But that’s all I have time for here.