I’m told that menopause can cause a whole host of ill effects. Feeling uncomfortably hot even when scantily clad in circumstances where other people feel unbearably cold when dressed in multiple clothing layers under generously down-filled, head-to-toe parkas is the most common symptom, but there are other potential hardships that result from menopause. Unordinary, occasionally life-threatening vaginal bleeding; vaginal dryness; urinary problems; and mood swings are a few of them. Worse, it is common for menopause to last five years.
Many people—mostly women—wonder why God One, our Creator, would force this suffering on women for such a long time; or at all, for that matter.
A number of theories have been proposed to explain God One’s creation of menopause. The most prominent and plausible of those conjectures include following:
- God One is a misogynist. He enjoys watching women suffer.
- He is an idiot and thought women would enjoy menopause.
- God One believes you have to be cruel to be kind. He views menopause as a way to be kind to women.
- God One thought men would enjoy watching women strip naked to try to alleviate the suffering resulting from their hot flashes. God One always liked men best.
- He believed that suffering through menopause would help women to build moral fiber, but he thought that it would be unkind to men if women had moral fiber while they were still young and nubile.
- He is incompetent and was going for a totally different, unknown result when He accidentally created menopause.
We now know that all of these hypotheses are false.
The Real Reason for Menopause
The Chief Sage Officer of Infinitiaty was recently talking to God 937. God 937 is generally recognized as the greatest practical joker of all of the Gods Who visit our universe. It turns out that He was responsible for menopause.
God One is a bit of a nebbish. Having been a virgin up until that point, the big bang that created our universe was the first mutual divine orgasm that God One ever initiated. Thus, this is the first universe that He had ever assumed responsibility for and we were the first semi-intelligent beings that He had ever created.
(An interesting side note: God One does not kiss and tell, let alone screw and tell. And none of the other Gods will admit to ever having had sex with God One. So we don’t know which other God played a part in creating our universe1.)
Because He had never created any beings before, let alone somewhat intelligent ones like us humans, God One sought the advice of a God who had created not just somewhat intelligent beings, but fully intelligent ones. Unfortunately, God One chose God 937 as his mentor.
Being an incorrigible practical joker, God 937 told God One that it was always a good idea to create beings in such a way that grandmothers would usually be infertile by the time they were grandparents. That way, God 937 argued, they would not be encumbered with taking care of their own babies when their adult children asked them to help with the rearing of their grandchildren.
God 937 also told God One that it was impossible to create a woman who would flip from fertile to infertile without going through something like menopause as a transition mechanism.
Both of God 937’s claims were, of course, total bullshit.
God 937 Himself had created a great many species with females who made the switch from fertility to infertility without any side effects, let alone any uncomfortable or annoying ones. And He had also created a plethora of species that managed quite well without having grandparents who were willing and able to take on grandchild-rearing duties. For a God, both of those creation options were the easiest things in any universe.
However, knowing that God One was one of the most gullible of Gods, God 937 was certain that God One would fall for the menopause joke. And He did.
God 937 has been chuckling over his menopause prank ever since. Now you know. Sorry about that, women. But you can take heart in the knowledge that your suffering through menopause is helping to make at least one of the Gods jolly.
 It should be kept in mind that, as I said, God 937 is a great practical joker. The Infinitian Big Bang Theory is only a theory at this point. Given His nature, the words of God 937 are rarely taken as proof of anything. It is possible that there was no divine orgasm that created our universe. God 937 might have included that in his story about the creation of menopause merely to yank our collective chain.