Some fervent Christian theologians, particularly those of the evangelical persuasion, believe that the earth is not much more than 6,000 years old. As with is the case with Christians, many Infinitian theologians now begrudgingly accept the scientific evidence indicating that our planet is somewhere around 4.5-billion years old, but there are still a many other Infinitian Sages and scholars who, based on their reading of InfiniGenesis, resolutely believe that Earth is not more than 10,000 years old.
The scientific evidence of an old Earth that is very much older than the young Earth theologians claim is so strong that it would be more appropriate to call it proof than evidence. Clearly, the scientists—most of whom have dedicated much of their adult lives to the study of and research in their chosen fields—can’t possibly be as far wrong as the theologians claim they are.
At the same time, many film stars, game show hosts and other television personalities assertively affirm that the theologians are exceptionally wise. Consequently, the theologians’ views must be respected. Plus, religious zealots have proofs that are written in The Book. Quod erat demonstrandum (QED). Case closed.
Reconciling a young versus old Earth
So how do we reconcile these two opposing old Earth versus young Earth truths? How can theologians be wise if they cling to a belief in a world that is somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years old when all of the solid scientific evidence points to a world that is a few billion years old? And how can the scientists be wise if they cling to a belief in scientific evidence despite the solid proofs to the contrary that have been confidently interpreted from histories written in The Book? The answer is so blindingly obvious that I’m amazed at how often I’m asked these questions.
Under the most credible of the working theories on the creation of the universe—which is also the hypothesis that most devout Infinitians generally accept as almost the gospel—a universe is created when two or more Gods have mutual orgasms during a sexual encounter. This is what is now widely known as “the big bang.”
By definition, God One was not simply one of the sex partners who created our universe; He was the God who initiated that sexual encounter. Thus, because He initiated the act, the divine sex that created our universe couldn’t have been a result of child-deity molestation. Instead, he must have already reached an age at which deities are, by nature, sexually active.
The scientists’ estimate of a 4.5-billion-year-old Earth is merely the age of our planet. If they’re right then, by human timescales, we do indeed live on an old Earth. Because Earth is obviously in our universe, our universe must undeniably be at least that old and likely much older. The current best scientific estimate of the age of our universe is about 13.7 billion years, give or take a few hundred million years. To ensure that our estimate of the age of the universe is on the conservative side, let’s call it 13-billion years old.
What this means is that we have proof positive that God One had sex at least 13-billion years ago. But we don’t know if He was a virgin when he initiated the sexual encounter that ended up creating our universe. He could have had a sex a number of times well before that.
We also don’t know how old Gods typically are when they first become sexually active or, more specifically, how old God One was when he first did The Deed. Nonetheless, based on the above facts, even if Gods can and do have sex the instant they are created, God One, the God who created us, is at least 13-billion years old—and probably much older than that.
At that age, beings—including deities—have trouble distinguishing timeframes. God One often thinks that events that occurred last month happened at least a million years ago. Likewise, He so vividly remembers events that happened a couple of billion years ago that He is convinced that they transpired only a few weeks ago.
Therein lies the explanation. Based on The Word of God One (or of the false God of the Judeo-Christian religions, for that matter), young-earth theologians believe that the earth is no more than 10,000 years old. And many of them think it’s not much more than 6,000 years old, but those are “God years.” This is simply because God One confused the timeframes when he told us the story of Earth’s creation. Thus, if we take the scientists’ knowledge of a 4.5-billion-year-old Earth and reconcile it with the theologians’ knowledge of an, at most, 10,000-year-old Earth we find that one God-year equals at least 450,000 of our years.
A 450,000-Day Sabbath?
An old Earth that is explained by a difference between God-years versus human-years presents an obvious problem. God One requires that we respect the Sabbath. However, if one God-year equals at least 450,000 of our years then, by the same token, one God-day equals at least 450,000 of our days. So, in fashioning our universe, God One worked six God-days or at least 2.7-million of our days. Then He rested for at least 450,000 of our days.
Thus, to respect God One’s Sabbath, if we live on an old Earth in an even older universe, we should work 2.7-million of our days straight and then refrain from work for 450,000 of our days. Dividing by 365.25 (don’t forget about leap-years), that means we should work for about 7,392 years straight, followed by 1,232 years off.
I wonder who’s going to make dinner—or anything else—during those 1,232 years when we aren’t supposed to labor. I suppose we could ask the nonbelievers, who aren’t bound by the Sabbath restrictions, to do stuff for us. They’re going to burn in one God or another’s hell anyway.
This begs yet another obvious question. When should we start counting the days or, more appropriately, the years until the Sabbath? The Sabbath is the last day of the Creation story, the day God One rested after His labors, not the first day. So we have to start our counting with the workdays, not with the Sabbath. But when should that counting start and, by extension, when will we get to enjoy our first Sabbath?
It’s true that some of God One’s teachings, let alone the meanderings of all of the infinity of other true Gods, appear largely irrational to us. Nonetheless, it seems reasonable to assume that God One would not expect anyone to start anticipating and observing the Sabbath until He let them know that they were supposed do so.
Infinitian scholars—who devote all of their waking hours to studying devoutly the sacred Infinitian texts as an excuse to not do real work—have calculated that God One handed the Book of InfiniGenesis to his first, randomly chosen Chief Ideology Officer 5,978 years ago—plus or minus 42 years. This act created the religion of Infinitiaty. Thus, it is reasonable believe that this is when God One wanted us to start counting the days to the Sabbath, our 1,232-year “day” of rest.
If this reasoning is sound, and I’m certain it is, we still have 1,414 plus or minus 42 of our years until our first Sabbath. It goes without saying that I, and every mortal alive today, can hardly wait.
Some people reading this will complain that we have only estimates, so how can we be certain of precisely when we are supposed to commence our Sabbath “day” of rest? And, likewise, how will we know for certain exactly how long that “day” should last?
They will, no doubt, say that the lowest of the theologians’ Earth-age estimates is only roughly 6,000 years and the highest of the scientists’ estimates is up around 5-billion years. If you take those extremes, the ratio of God-days to human-days is one to 833,333.33, not one to 450,000. Thus, using these estimates, God’s six workdays would last about 13,689 of our years and our Sabbath would last almost 2,282 years.
People who express these concerns would, no doubt, scream that this is an unacceptably large margin of error in the calculations of the start of first Sabbath and its duration. That’s true, but I would answer those people by pointing out that, considering the average human lifespan, the only people among us who should give a damn about the margin of error are those religious scholars who devote all of their waking hours to studying devoutly the sacred texts as an excuse to not do real work. It’s what they do.
There is yet another fly in the Earth-creation ointment that must be dealt with. InfiniGenesis clearly states that God One fashioned heaven and earth in just six days. To its credit, InfiniGenesis is vague about what He did on each of those days, so we don’t know exactly when Earth was created within this timeframe. (This vagueness makes InfiniGenesis far superior to the alleged Genesis story in the Judeo-Christian Old Testament. The Old Testament lays out what was done on each day, making it much harder to reconcile the Old Testament timeline with the scientific facts. This, coupled with the fact that Infinitiaty is an older religion, proves that Infinitiaty is the one true religion.)
Science, for what it’s worth, favors an old Earth
Here’s the problem: Persuasive scientific evidence points to the universe being nine or so billion of our years older than even an old Earth. Even taking the higher God-year to human-year ratio of 1 to 833,333.33, that still translates into about 16,800 God-years. Even if God One did not create Earth until the sixth God-day, that still leaves 16,800 God-years of our universe’s existence that can’t be directly explained by InfiniGenesis, and even less so by the Judeo-Christian Genesis myth.
There are two possible explanations for this. Divine mutual orgasm big bangs create only the matter from which an ordered universe is fashioned. There is nothing to say that the responsible God begins fashioning His or Her universe immediately after sex. He or She might, for example, snuggle for a bit, have a celestial cigarette, smoke a celestial joint, eat some celestial munchies, and do other chores before getting around to creating some order out of His or Her new universe’s matter. The six-day timeframe described in the bible did not start until God One started this work, which could have easily been 16,800 God-years after the raw material for our universe was brought into existence by God-sex.
This first possible old Earth, yet even older universe explanation is easy to believe. Looking at how haphazardly our planet and its creatures were put together—geological structures, human health, and societies are always falling apart—it’s easy to believe that God One is incredibly lazy. Procrastination could be part and parcel of that slothfulness.
The first hypothesis might be easy to believe, but it is not terribly satisfying. The second theory, on the other hand, is very plausible while, at the same time, it has the added benefit of eliminating the need to think about it any further. It is simply this: God One works in mysterious ways. End of story.