When staring other people’s gross misfortunes in the face, many Infinitians exclaim, “There but for the grace of Gods go I.” People of monotheistic faiths, false though those religions may be, misquote this as, “There but for the grace of God go I.”
Infinitians speak the words of this aphorism correctly. And monotheistic heathens mouth them almost correctly, with only an s missing. But both typically get it wrong when expressing the cliché in writing. And both almost always use it improperly.
The correct way to write this famous sentence is, “There but for the Grace of Gods go I.” The “G” in “Grace” should always be capitalized. Once you learn the origin of the saying, the reason for the capital G becomes clear and unforgettable.
Read on as I tell you the story of the origin of “There but for the Grace of Gods go I.”
Many of the Gods take on human form when they visit us on here on Earth. God One, our Creator, isn’t one of Them. He is shy and hates to be seen in material form—or immaterial form, for that matter. Nonetheless, thousands and possibly millions of other Gods pay us regular visits, inhabiting the bodies of humans during their stays.
Typically, one of the first things the Gods, or at least those who assume a male gender, do after insinuating Themselves into existing corporeal beings is to head to the nearest brothel. Consequently, many users of prostitutes’ services have been blamed for actions that are completely out of their control. They are merely involuntarily following the will of one God or another.
In the early seventeenth century, the favorite hooker of the Gods was a super-nymphomaniac named—you guessed it—Grace.
After God 937, Grace’s first omnipotent client, found and had His way with Grace, He told some of His deity friends about her. They told some of Their deity friends, who told some of Their deity friends, and so on, and so on.
The result was that Grace quickly garnered great renown among the deities. In fact, when polled by the authors of Gods’ Guide to Vacationing on God One’s Earth, a must-read among the deities, 100 percent of the surveyed Gods gave Grace ten thumbs up, the maximum allowed. No other harlot on our planet, now or at any time in the past, has ever come anywhere close to that elevated rating. (Although, it is said that God 7’s universe includes a few planets that are each home to several trollops who could, if Grace were still alive, put her to shame, particularly in the area of oral sex.)
It wasn’t long before Gods filled up Grace’s entire work schedule, not to mention one or two of her orifices. And she worked incessantly. As a result, she soon became known as the Grace of Gods.
Grace of Gods’ Infinite Appetite
Grace may have had an infinite appetite for sex, but she was mortal and, therefore, she had only a finite amount of time each day. Because the Gods can use their unlimited powers to create money that cannot be detected as counterfeit, They started to outbid each other for every hour of Grace’s time.
Often, the bidding was so fierce that Grace’s hourly rate could be quoted only with numbers normally reserved for the study of astronomy. She soon became not just the richest hooker on Earth, but also the richest person on Earth.
Had Grace saved all of her revenue, within a month it would have accumulated to a sum sufficient to pay all of today’s combined national debts of all of the countries that now comprise Europe and North America. And it wouldn’t take her much longer to raise all of modern Africa out of poverty and into the lap of luxury as well.
But Grace did not save all of her money.
Being a kind soul, and far too busy to spend even the smallest of fractions of her money on herself anyway, Grace gave most of her wealth to those of her fellow hookers around the world who, unlike Grace, were in it only for the money and wanted a way out. Although they no longer needed to earn any income, out of gratitude to Grace many of the newly retired harlots worked in the foundation that Grace set up to distribute funds to former and soon-to-be-former prostitutes.
Grace refused to work in the foundation herself. Doing so would have taken time away from her one true passion in life, sex. Besides, as she often loudly proclaimed, sex with Gods was, well, heavenly.
The benevolence of Grace greatly diminished the supply of prostitutes.
It reached a stage where there was such a tremendous shortage of hookers that almost all men whose bodies weren’t occupied by a God at the time were constantly foiled in their desperate searches for strumpets.
It was common to see hundreds of wannabe Johns, only a few of whom were actually named John, standing together in front of former bordellos that had been emptied and locked when their workers left the profession en masse. Knowing who was to blame for their extreme sexual deprivation, the frustrated men would all cry out lamentations in the same pitiful wail, “There but for the Grace of Gods go I.”
Ecstatic and orgasmic to the end, Grace died of exhaustion at a relatively young age. The Gods never again found another hooker who was favored above all others by all of the Gods. Instead, when They came to Earth and took on human form They spread Their business around. This is still true today.
Having lost their benefactor, Grace, women of the oldest professional could no longer afford to retire early. Supply eventually came back into balance with demand. Yet, out of habit, men kept saying, “There but for the Grace of Gods go I,” even though the words had lost their original meaning.
Eventually, women started using the aphorism as well. By then, the source of the expression was unknown to all but a few history scholars.
To stay true to its original meaning, you should say “There but for the Grace of Gods go I” only when you are stymied in an attempt to buy sex, not whenever, through little or no action of your own, you happen to avoid the lamentable fate of someone else. I believe we should revert to the original meaning of those words as a way of honoring Grace, who so joyously served our great Gods.