Dorothy Rubeeshoes of Toetoe, Kansas sent me the following email:
I’ve followed the yellow brick road and I’ve been to see the wizard. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere. (Sorry for mixing references, media and genres.)
Wherever I go, at all waking hours and often in my dreams, I try to honor and obey as many of the infinite number of Gods as I possibly can, as fervently as I can. Yet, despite my piousness, there’s never a God around when I need Him or Her to smooth my journeys and soothe my afflictions. With an infinite number of Gods, I would have thought that there would always be One available to help when a devout girl such as myself needs One. Nonetheless, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Why is that?
Dorothy, your question borders very closely on the terribly tedious “why do bad things happen to good people” query that I swore I’d never again answer. (See here and here.) Lucky for you, you phrased your question in a way that allows me to take it in a different direction. So I’ll let it pass. Otherwise, I would have had to ask the Chief Sage Officer to get one or more of the Gods to inflict a harsh punishment on you for once again saddling me with that horribly hackneyed query.
Why There’s Never a God Around When You Need One
Why, with an infinite number of Gods, is there never One around when you need One? To answer that question you have to consider the relationship between Gods and universes. Each universe is the direct responsibility of only one God, namely the God who initiated the sexual encounter that climaxed in the Big Bang that created that universe.
God One initiated the divine roll-in-the-heavens that was responsible for the formation of our universe. And, therefore, He is our Creator. Thus, He is the only God who is directly responsible for taking care of us.
Other Gods are capable of altering the course of our lives if They so desire, but it is considered to be a breach of godly etiquette to interfere too much in another God’s universe.
That propriety notwithstanding, most Gods live by the credo, “Spare the rod and spoil the creation.” Therefore, while They might not be willing to alter the stream of goings-on in another God’s universe to help that other God’s creations, They are always ready to step in with a proportionate, or often more than proportionate, punishment if the resident God does not react quickly enough in response to a misdeed or disrespect of any of the Gods by one of the resident God’s creations,
When it comes to helping rather than punishing God One’s creations, “interfere too much” is a relative term. Different Gods interpret it differently.
Generally, but not strictly, you’ll find that the higher His or Her God number, the less a God will be willing help you. This is perfectly natural.
Increasingly Distant Creators
God Two created God One, our Creator. As a result, God Two considers Herself to be, in effect, a GrandCreator to us. Consequently, She is usually willing to help when God One slips up or is unavailable—assuming that She is not busy in one of Her own universes or partying in another God’s universe.
Therein lies a problem. God Two is believed to be a real Party God, not to mention an Almighty Slut. As a result, she has a lot of Her own universes to tend to and a lot of not-to-be-missed parties to attend. So, don’t expect too much assistance from Her.
God Three created God Two. Therefore, He is like a Great-GrandCreator to us. He feels some Creator ties to us, but the relationship is somewhat weaker than it is for God Two. Consequently, He is less willing to help us.
Furthermore, we aren’t sure about this, but God Three might also have His own universe(s) and personal life to keep him busy. And, considering the wild ways of the God He created, God Two, God Three likely feels somewhat responsible for straightening out the messes that God Two is probably making of Her universe(s).
What’s more, we are certain of the existence of God Two only because there must be a God who created our God because nothing can be created without a Creator. For convenience, we have chosen to call Her God Two. It’s entirely possible that the other Gods call Her something else but, whatever she is called, Her existence is unquestionable. What we don’t know is whether God Three created any sibling Gods for God Two. For all we know, he might be a GrandCreator, Great-GrandCreator, Great-Great-GrandCreator, and so on, many times over.
The long and the short of it is that, due to a lack of focus and will on His part, you probably won’t see a lot of God Three in your life.
As you go up the God Creator chain to Gods Four, Five, Six and So On, the Creation relationship to us gets yet weaker. By the time you arrive at the triple-digit God numbers, let alone anything higher, the Gods aren’t likely to give a good goddamn about us. When they visit our universe They are usually here just for a good time, and not for a long time. Don’t expect a fat lot of help from any of Them.
God, the Introvert
This brings us to the question of why God One, our Creator and the God who was assigned responsibility for our universe and all the creations in it, isn’t around more often to help us.
Unlike some of the other Gods, the problem with God One is neither a lack of time nor a surfeit of other responsibilities.
We are reasonably certain that God One created only one universe, ours. In fact, considering how painfully, almost pathologically introverted He is, it’s amazing that He’s ever had sex, let alone initiated a celestial tumble that resulted in a Big Bang. Thus, he can, if He wishes, focus His attention solely on our universe.
Furthermore, His severely introverted nature probably keeps Him from gallivanting around in the other Gods’ universes the way many of his Peers do. So, in all likelihood, He doesn’t have many distractions that keep Him from helping us.
I now need to take a minor diversion in this discussion. You might be saying to yourself, “This, Sage Mike, is beyond the pale. You’ve finally gone too far. I can’t believe that God One, our God, is introverted in the least, what with Him being omnipresent, omnipotent, and all.”
I grant you that it may be hard to accept, but search your soul. You will know it to be true.
Think about it.
God One speaks directly to only an extremely small circle of people. Throughout history, and even prior to that, He has spoken almost exclusively to the Chief Sage Officer, Chief Ideology Officer or Chief Executive Officer of Infinitiaty. Because mortals fill these roles, they change over time, but God One almost never talks with anyone outside that circle.
If the CSO, CIO and CEO are all busy when God One has something important to say to them He might—just might—deign to leave a message with one of the senior Infinitian Sages, but those exceptionally rare instances are the only times He expands His sphere of human communications.
You might be thinking that this can’t be true because plenty of people claim to have heard the voice of God. That’s true, but the operative word here is claim.
Their claims are false. Either they are charlatan evangelical “preachers” out to fleece your money or they are schizophrenics, manic-depressives, people with bipolar disorder or people with other psychotic conditions who are simply hearing voices. They deserve to be severely condemned or liberally helped, respectively.
It’s Not That There’s Never A God Around; They Just Don’t Want to Talk You
Not only does God One strictly limit His circle of human verbal contacts but, apart from occasionally doodling some highly stylized sketches of Himself on burnt toast, grilled cheese sandwiches, mildewed walls and the like, it has been millennia since He has exposed Himself visually to any humans. No one is sure why that is, but the scuttlebutt around the Sages’ water cooler is that He has been putting on a lot of weight over the centuries and he is embarrassed about it.
So, we have now established that God One definitely is introverted. This brings me back, Dorothy, to the answer to your question, why is there never a God around when you need one. The truth is that interacting with people is well outside of God One’s comfort zone so He does it only very rarely. Couple this with the reluctance of other Gods to interfere too much in God One’s universe and you can easily see why it might appear as though there is never a God around when you need One.
Thus, Dorothy and everyone else reading this, whether you are pious or not, don’t count on much help from any of the Gods. For the most part, They are either unable or unwilling to assist you. That having been said, if you aren’t a devout Infinitian you can count on Them not helping you in the least—and possibly punishing you brutally. So it pays to remain pious.
P.S.: Dorothy, as luck would have it, the Church of Infinitiaty Store has a number of items sporting a design that will allow you to share your frustration with the rest of the world. This might be cathartic for you, which is probably the best you can hope for. Click here to see the section of the store carrying the “never a God around” design.