Frank Leemideer of Tzelot, Tunisia asks, “Will I be allowed into heaven if I’m wearing a beard when I die? Or are beards a barrier to entry?”
Frank, most regular readers undoubtedly expect me to chastise you for wasting my time with such an incredibly stupid question, but that’s only because most of my readers are cretins. The question is nowhere near as ridiculous as it sounds. I don’t know if you knew that or if you just hit it lucky with your inquiry, but I have my suspicions as to which is the case.
(I assume you are talking about a beard you’ve grown, not a fake beard that you are literally wearing. If I’m wrong and you meant the latter, then I take it back. In that case, it is a stupid question, you are a moron, and you are wasting my time,)
The reason that it is an interesting question is that the answer is it all depends on which heaven you want to go to.
If you want to go to God One’s heaven, and you think you can meet the exacting entry requirements, it doesn’t matter. You can be clean-shaven or have a beard long enough to be a tripping hazard to you, your friends and your loved ones (assuming you have friends and/or loved ones). God One doesn’t care. It’s one of the very few criteria that He doesn’t consider when judging you for entry into His heaven.
That having been said, who among us has lived a life that’s pure enough to qualify for God One’s heaven? I’ll admit that I haven’t. You probably haven’t either. To be brutally honest, considering all of the rigorous rules that He commands us to live by, everyone would be well advised to have a backup plan.
Besides, is that really where you want to spend eternity (or until He kills off your otherwise immortal soul, whichever comes first)? Think about it. In view of how puritanical He expects us to be here on Earth, it’s a good bet that His heaven is unbearably boring. Were it not for the fact that you would then already be dead, you’d provably die of boredom within the first week of being there, unless, of course, you worked the counter at a fast food restaurant for a few years while you were alive, in which case you would have developed an immunity to boredom.
Beards in Heaven? It Depends on Which Heaven.
If you can’t or don’t want to get into God One’s heaven you’re going to need to gain entry into one of the other Gods’ heavens. Therein lies a problem. We know a good deal about God One’s heaven and His entry requirements, but none of us gets brochures from the various other Gods’ heavens until after we die. And we can’t send that information back to the living when we do get the literature.
Thus, we can’t make an informed decision on which Gods’ heavens to apply to until after we die. And, even if we could, we couldn’t be certain of the grooming requirements of the other Gods until it’s too late to do anything about it.
That makes it difficult. We know that some Gods require that men die with beards to gain entry into Their heavens. Others take only clean-shaven men. Still Others are like God One in that They don’t care one way or another.
There is another factor to take into account. Some Gods insist on beards regardless of whether the person is male or female. Therefore, it pays to do your research when you die and are faced (no pun intended) with having to choose a heaven. If you are a bearded gay man you will probably want to give serious consideration to Gods with a mandatory beards, no exceptions policy. On the other hand, if you are a bearded straight man you will probably want to avoid Them.
Before feminists get up in arms, I referred above to only men simply because Frank, the person who asked the question, is a man. Most of the Gods have coed heavens, but some do have same-sex heavens—some for women, others for men.
There are Gods who take women and men equally, with no restrictions on either sex. There are also Gods who restrict human entry into Their heavens to solely lesbians, just as there are Gods who restrict Their heavens to gay men, bearded or clean-shaven. There are even Gods who only take women who died with more than a normal amount of facial hair. So, ladies, you might want to reconsider that electrolysis, laser or other facial hair removal procedure you were planning to have done.
Beyond facial hair, some Gods also have dress codes. To get into a few of the Gods’ heavens you have to be attired in formalwear when you die. If you desperately want to go to one of those heavens you should wear your tux (or an evening gown for women) all the time, even in the shower (assuming you shower), at work (assuming you’re employed), at the gym (assuming you go to a gym), walking the dog (assuming you have a dog), at home with your family (assuming you have a family), and while you are having sex (assuming you have sex). You never know when you are going to die.
And, if you’re thinking, “no problem, I’ll just leave instructions for the mortician to throw on my tux in the funeral home,” forget about it. Your death is like a frozen moment in time. Heaven selection is performed at that moment, not after the mortician has dressed you up.
Some Gods won’t let you into Their heavens if you are wearing a t-shirt or sneakers. Other Gods will bounce you out of Their heavens if you are wearing a t-shirt and sneakers, no matter what clothes or lack thereof you are wearing between the t-shirt and sneakers. Still other Gods will let you in only if you are topless, but only topless, while others insist that you die bottomless, but only bottomless. (Just to be clear, “topless” and “bottomless” refer to clothing, not your body.)
Still other Gods think that the human body is the only thing that God One created that comes at least somewhat close to being aesthetically pleasing. Those Gods won’t let you into Their heavens unless you die naked. The majority of the humans in those heavens died in nudist colonies, or while having sex, or while having sex in a nudist colony. (Note: If you die in the midst of sex while clothed, with only the necessary body parts exposed, you will be excluded from these heavens. If you die under those conditions and you apply to one of the nude-only heavens the responsible God will blacklist you in other Gods’ heavens.)
So, Frank, back to your inquiry. Despite it being a perfectly valid question, as long as I’m alive I will lack the information necessary to respond to you adequately and I doubt I’ll be able to give you the answer after I’m dead. In other words, you are on your own. I suggest you do whatever you are most comfortable with during this life and hope for the best in the next.