Persistent rumors to the contrary notwithstanding, I can confirm with absolute certainty that God 232 is not dead.
Convincing gossip about her death began to circulate widely approximately six months ago. At that time, people near what is reputed to be an apparently-not-so-secret secret military base heard what they best described as, “a loud boom; a really, really loud boom.”
Since then, not a single image of God 232 has been spotted anywhere in the world in or on burnt toast, grilled cheese sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, moles on people’s faces, mole’s on people’s shoulders, moles on people’s butts, bird droppings, dog droppings, cat droppings, squirrel droppings, raccoon droppings, egg drop soup, bird’s nest soup, mildewed walls, cracked sidewalks, homeless people’s matted hair, heavily used ashtrays, bags of marijuana, marijuana smoke rings, marijuana-laced brownies, bowls of macaroni and cheese, semen-stained sheets, or any of the other innumerable places where images of God 232 were regularly seen prior to six months ago.
Given this seemingly incontrovertible evidence, people can be forgiven for their speculations about God 232’s demise. At first, the “really, really loud boom” was attributed to causes other than the death of God 232, but the sudden absence of the previously common sightings of God 232’s images settled the question of Her demise in many people’s minds. But their conjectures are false. And now we have proof.
God 232 is still very much alive. In fact, She recently spoke directly to the Chief Sage Officer of Infinitiaty. In that conversation, She grudgingly admitted to our CSO that She faked Her own death.
God 232’s Reply
When the CSO asked Her why She would do such a thing, God 232 replied,
“I was thoroughly sick and tired of listening to people endlessly whimpering their pitiful little prayers into my one good ear. Whine, whine, whine, wine; it was relentless.
“Oh, God 232, You are so grand, please cure me of this. Oh, God 232, You are so fine, please give me that. Oh, God 232, You are so great, please let me get so-and-so into the sack. … And on, and on, and on. It never stopped.
“What? Do they imagine that I don’t have anything better to do with my time? I hardly ever have a chance to go to any deity parties anymore. I used to love those things. Good times, good times.
“A great many big bangs happened at those parties. And, let me assure you, in the old days, before all of these sniveling little “intelligent” creations started to keep me so busy listening to their ceaseless prayers, I was responsible for more than my fair share of those big bangs. Now? Who has the time?
“It’s bad enough that I have to sit through the unremitting mumbling of plaintive prayers from my own creations in my own universes. I created those whiny little wimps, so it’s my own damn fault. Although, the truth is, I’ve started to let them know in no uncertain terms that enough is enough. There will be no more Ms. Nice God as far as my creations are concerned. Screw ‘em.
“But what really got me down was having to listen to the inexorable prayers of God One’s human creations as well. I tried to convince God One to set some rules that would limit the incessant wretched praying by His creations, but He wouldn’t hear of it. Oh no, not Him.
“Who the hell does He think he is? I created the God who created the God who created the God … and so on until the God who created Him. He should show a little respect.
“In my universes, I recently issued a commandment that says that my creations are not allowed to pray to me more than once a month, preferably on a weekday so I can take weekends off. And, even then, their prayers cannot be longer than 30 seconds each and they can’t ask for anything for themselves or anyone they know.
“If they want to ask for generic universal peace, that’s OK as long as they aren’t too insistent. Better yet, they should stick to only praising me in their prayers, without making any requests whatsoever. What do they think I am, a customer service department?
“The penalty for breaking that commandment is instant smiting. No exceptions. No second chances. You’d be surprised how much that cuts down on annoyingly excessive praying. Or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised.
“With billions and billions of creations across my various universes, even that is way too much, but, like I said, I created the bastards so I guess I have to put up with a little of it.
“So far, out of respect to God One, I haven’t imposed that commandment and penalty on God One’s creations, but it is in my power to do so, no matter how much it may annoy God One if I butt into His universe. So, if the current nonstop praying doesn’t stop, my hand will be forced.”
So folks, there you have it. No matter what you may have heard, God 232 is definitely not dead, but she is massively pissed. You’ve been warned.