Never let it be said that Infinitiaty is stuck in the past. The same can’t be said for most of those faux faiths that so many people have fallen for over the millennia. Surprisingly, many people still fall for them even today. Unlike those heathen religions, we realize that our Church and its practices and promotions must keep evolving and innovating. We must stay relevant in modern society.
Much of our innovation comes from creative people in the marketing and ideology departments at the Church of Infinitiaty’s head office. However, our church franchisees are no slouches when it comes to moving the faith forward.
Of course, to protect the Infinitiaty spiritual brand, franchisees must get approval from the Church before introducing any new policies, practices or philosophies into their churches. Worthwhile advances are accepted only after a rigorous evaluation process.
After a proposal has been approved by head office, the franchisee must sign a standard contract granting the Church of Infinitiaty ownership of the related intellectual property. The franchisee is then free to put his or her plans into practice. Then, if the innovation proves to be successful, it is disseminated throughout the entire Infinitiaty church franchise network, as well as at Church of Infinitiaty-owned churches.
As just one example of the incredible creativity of church franchisees, consider Freddie Luker, the holder of a new church franchise in Suckerborne, Nevada. Freddie is a master innovator. Despite having opened his franchisee only recently, he has already contributed considerable value to the Church.
All Infinitian churches recognize the existence of all of the infinite number of Gods, but many of them focus on worshipping only one God individually or all of them collectively. Freddie cleverly decided to do things differently. His church worships Gods 60 through 69. In a stroke of marketing genius, he promotes his pious program as a Salute to the Sixties.
To help bolster this brand, all hymns in Freddie’s church are sung to the tunes of songs from the 1960s.
Because his church is in an area of Nevada where licensed brothels are allowed, Freddie does not have to depend on a freedom of religion plea to avoid legal challenges to the special salute to God 69 that his female reverends and vice-reverends offer their flocks for the going rate. Male reverends and vice-reverends offer the same religious service when requested.
Part of the beauty of worshipping multiple Gods is that Freddie can solicit donations in the names of 10 Gods, instead of just one. This significantly increases the church’s total donation revenue.
Freddie’s creative genius doesn’t stop there. He knows that parishioners have only so much money that the church can extract as dues and donations. But that doesn’t have to limit revenues. To the glory of Gods 60 through 69, Freddie is selling naming rights to his church and the rooms and objects within it. Best of all, you don’t have to be a parishioner—or even a believer—to take advantage of this phenomenal marketing opportunity.
Naming Rights Sales Are Booming
Naming rights sales have been brisk. Look at just a few of the sponsorships that have already been negotiated. For the next five years, with an option to renew, the church will be known as SeraphicCondoms Church of the Sixties. The main chapel is the TobaccoWorld Sanctuary. And the altar is the DeepDown Mortuary Altar.
The cloakroom and many of the washroom stalls and urinals are also already taken, but the sponsors have not yet been announced. That will happen at a gala marketing event next week.
Naming opportunities are going fast. Nevertheless, if the price is right there is still an opportunity for you to attach your name or your company’s name to some of the rooms and pews in the church. But act quickly. They won’t last long.
Freddie’s experiment has been so successful that the Church of Infinitiaty has now authorized all church franchises to follow the same devout path. So, get your checkbooks and credit cards ready. You’re going to want to ensure that your company’s name is in front of the praying public in all of your major markets. And, for those of you who seek personal celebrity, what could better achieve that than putting your name in front of millions of people—not to mention the Gods—around the world?
You’ve probably gathered that I’m very excited about this. Nonetheless, the best, as they say, is yet to come. Stay tuned as the Church of Infinitiaty continues to move forward to better serve the Gods, its members, and its stakeholders—now and in the future.