A lot of people send me a lot of questions about their love lives. I usually ignore them because most people are so hopeless when it comes to relationships that they are beyond help, so why bother? However, I just received an inquiry of this nature that moved me to respond nonetheless.
Bess Tasse of Lonely Hills, Wyoming sent me the following email:
Dear Sage Mike,
Do you know of any Infinitian dating services? I’m so lonely. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.
It’s not that I don’t date. I do. A lot.
It’s just that all of my relationships with men are vacuous. They leave me feeling as empty as the void of space. I’m not talking about the space with stars, planets, moons, asteroids, comets and all that stuff in it. I mean those large tracts of space with nothing in them. You know, voids. Well, except there may be dark matter there, but other than that it’s a vacuum; empty, kind of, sort of, maybe. Perhaps I need a different metaphor, but you get my point.
Anyway, the problem is that, while I have no problem finding men who are single or, if not single, at least willing to fool around, I find it very difficult to hook up with devout Infinitian men. I want a man, or possibly a few men, or at most a few dozen men, with whom I can share not just my life, love, and bed but also, more importantly, with whom I can share my faith.
Can you help me?
Yours in love and faith,
The email included a number of attachments containing photos of Bess scantily clad or unclad.
My dearest Bess, I am not aware of any dating services geared specifically to being matchmakers for Infinitians, but I might be able to help you nonetheless.
Infinitian clergy and high officials are encouraged to have frequent consensual adult sexual relations so as to diminish any yearnings we might have to diddle choirboys and/or choirgirls coercively or forcefully. All Infinitian clergy and high officials are either devout Infinitians or so good at pretending to be that you will never know the difference. Thus, dating one or a few of us will slake your desire for relationships that are simultaneously loving, sexual and spiritual, although possibly a little light on the loving factor.
I’d be happy to match you up with one or several of the Church clergy. That’s not not exactly the formal sort of dating service you’re looking for, but it would have almost the same effect. Almost, but not quite.
A Dating Service, Without the Threat of Marriage
I should warn you that despite being permitted to have consensual sex with adults as often as we wish, Sages are not allowed to marry. (Other clergy have their own rules about that.) The Church of Infinitiaty has declared that marriage would complicate our lives too much and create a strong, possibly vested interest in only one of our flock over all others. For that reason, it is strictly forbidden for us to marry. The Church’s ruling in this regard is sacrosanct. Thus, dating Sages will never lead to marriage.
If, despite knowing that none of us can marry you, you are still interested, please let me know. After seeing your pictures, I’m confident that many of the Infinitian clergy and high officials would be honored to have the pleasure of your company, so to speak. I know I would.
Some of the other categories of clergy are allowed to marry. However, most don’t because adultery is frowned upon in Infinitiaty even if it isn’t strictly forbidden. They wouldn’t want to have to give those relationships up.
By the way, you didn’t mention your feelings about dating women. There are a number of lesbians among the Infinitian clergy and high officials. If you swing both ways I would be happy to forward your pictures to them too. The Church of Infinitiaty accepts and performs same-sex marriages, but I’m afraid that the pro-sex, anti-marriage rules apply to lesbian clergy and high officials as well.
Sorry about that. Whether heterosexual or homosexual, it will almost certainly be just sex. I hope that is alright with you. I’m afraid that’s the closest I can come to whatever your idea of a dating service might be.