I’ve been asked to make an important announcement. Someone, presumably a man, left a half-full 24-pack box of jumbo condoms in the back row of the pews in the First Infinitian Church of Beegwillie, Wisconsin after services yesterday. We assume they were left behind inadvertently.
I must make it clear the Church of Infinitiaty fully approves of the use of prophylactics to protect against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. In fact, many of our churches sell church-branded condoms in their gift shops. However—and I can’t state this loudly or clearly enough—the Church does not approve of anyone having sex in the pews during services without the express permission of the Reverend and/or franchisee of the local church.
Reverend Seeking Owner of Condoms
The lost condoms are now in the possession of the Reverend of the First Infinitian Church of Beegwillie, Cynthia Moyestte. She is, to say the least, very eager to return them to their rightful owner. She would also like to thank the owner for properly disposing of his used condoms instead of leaving them lying around in the church.
Of course, before turning them over to you, Reverend Moyesste will want to see some evidence that they are, indeed, yours. To this end, she will use the story of Cinderella and her glass slipper as her guide. In short or, more accurately, not in short, if you can show that the jumbo condoms fit, they’re yours.
Because many of the Gods consider wastefulness to be a grave sin, Reverend Moyesste will also insist that you prove that you will put the condoms to good use before she gives them back to you.
If they are yours, please contact Reverend Moyesste as soon as possible. She is free most afternoons between 1:00 and 3:00. If it’s not possible for you to make it then, she would be thrilled to clear a couple of hours, or more, on her calendar at any time that is convenient to you.
Reverend Moyesste has asked that I not publish her telephone number on the Internet. Instead, to retrieve your condoms please visit the church in person. If Reverend Moyestte is not there feel free to call her. You’ll find her number written prominently above the urinals and on the walls of each of the stalls in the men’s room.