Earlier today, Etta Manne, of no fixed or broken address, walked into a Starbucks, plunked herself down next to a stranger sitting in a dark, quiet corner. She then distracted him long enough to furtively use his computer to send me a question. She also informed me that, because she was using a commandeered email account, I couldn’t respond via email.
Here’s her question: “Do I need to wear an Infinitiaty religious icon to be a good Infinitian and, if so, where is the best place on my body to wear it?”
Etta, I’d really love to know, in detail, how you managed to so thoroughly distract the stranger that he didn’t notice that you were using his computer. If you have any videos of the encounter please send them along. In expectation that you will do so, I’m excited to answer your question here.
To respond to the first part of your question, yes, of course you can be a good Infinitian without wearing an Infinitiaty religious icon. Follow to the letter as many of the Gods’ rules as is humanly possible, pray constantly to the Gods, pay your church donations and membership dues on time, and you shall be deemed to a good Infinitian.
Nevertheless, I strongly recommend that you wear an Infinitian religious icon regardless of whether you are a good Infinitian or a bad Infinitian. The chief Executive Officer and Chief Sage Officer of Infinitiaty have signed member-benefit agreements with a myriad of Gods. These contracts obligate the signing Gods to judge less harshly members in good standing of the Church of Infinitiaty and to grant them more blessings than is the case for nonbelievers.
The Church of Infinitiaty maintains a database of all paid-up Church members. The Gods can consult it before affecting someone’s life. Contractually, they are supposed to do that. However, they honor that stipulation more in the exception than the rule. Thus, it is important to wear a religious icon that will signify to the Gods your commitment to Infinitiaty.
I caution you, however, to wear only religious icons that you bought directly from the Church of Infinitiaty or from one of its authorized franchised churches. Infinitian religious icons are the intellectual property of the Church of Infinitiaty. All of the Gods are very good at distinguishing between authentic icons and fakes. They ruthlessly punish anyone who knowingly or unknowingly rewards thugs who attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of Church intellectual property.
Because you will be punished for even inadvertently enriching these crooks it is always a bad idea to buy used religious icons. It might seem like a good deed to help, for example, an impoverished widow by buying the surplus religious icons of her deceased husband, but you can never be certain of the origins of those icons. If it turns out that they are forgeries you will pay the price at the hands of the Gods. You’ve been warned.
Where Should You Wear Religious Icons?
This brings me to the second part of your question. Where should you wear your religious icon(s)?
That is a difficult question. We have arbitrarily assigned genders to the Gods—male for the odd-numbered Gods and female for the even-numbered Gods. Although they are under no obligation to do so, most of the Gods play these assigned roles very diligently, at least at a superficial level. “Male” Gods are usually the epitome of the vulgar sitcom male stereotype and “female” Gods are similarly typecast in their roles as women.
One exception is God One, our Creator. Despite us referring to Him only as “He,” He is perfectly androgynous. Furthermore, not only does he not take any interest in gender, sex, or sexuality, those qualities of His creations seem to offend Him for some reason. Thus, we can’t take God One’s assigned gender into account when trying to figure out where on your body He is most likely to stare at and, therefore, where you should wear your religious icon.
Fortunately, the same is not true for the other Gods. You are a woman, which puts you at an advantage if you want to ensure that the male Gods notice your religious icon. Always clothe yourself in low-cut dresses or blouses. Wear your icon on a necklace that places the icon on your cleavage. Most male Gods love to ogle breasts.
The Gods have the power to see through clothes. Wearing your Infinitian religious icons on nipple rings will guarantee that they catch the attention of the male Gods that choose to look under your garments. However, Gods have to expend extra energy to look through solid surfaces. Many are too lazy to do so. Thus, wearing your icons only as nipple rings will increase the probability that some Gods will see them, but decrease the number of Gods that might do so. The best answer is to wear both icon nipple rings and a cleavage-positioned icon.
(There is one option for ensuring that your nipple rings will always capture the attention of straight—more on that later—male Gods: always go topless if the law allows. If the law where you live doesn’t allow you to be topless in public, you might want to defy the law. If you are charged with an offense you can attempt to claim that the law robs you of your religious freedom rights and, therefore, is unconstitutional. I can’t promise that this defense will work, but it’s worth a try.)
These breast strategies will be less successful at ensuring that the female Gods notice your religious icons, but many of the female Gods like to keep on top of the current fashion in décolletage, so it might not be a total failure.
There’s another thing to consider. There are many gays and lesbians among the Gods. In fact, it is generally believed that the percentage of Gods who are homosexual is somewhat higher than the percentage of humans who are homosexual. The ideal spot to ensure that these Gods see your religious icon might vary somewhat from the best location for the straight Gods. Figure it out for yourself.