You’ve probably heard the sayings before: “God helps those who help themselves.” “Do your best and God will do the rest.” And there are plenty of other adages of that that ilk floating around.
The sayings are usually spoken with a tone of deep earnestness that attempts to leave no doubt about their veracity. But are they indeed true?
Well, I’ll ignore the fact that the people who say these things are obviously not true Infinitians and, therefore, they are undeserving, wretched souls who do not merit being listened to at all. If they were true Infinitians they would say God One, not God, because, as we all know, our Creator, God One, is just one of an infinite number of Gods.
Maybe these people think they can suck up to God One by making Him think that they think that He is the only God worth considering, but let me assure them that He sees through that ruse. Besides, He has such low self-esteem that He would never believe that anyone believed that anyway. That’s why we’re required to keep praising Him all of the time. It’s to boost His ego. It’s the least we can do for our Creator.
But that aside, what about the truth of these sayings?
I’ll tackle the first one first. Does God One help those who help themselves? Don’t be silly. God helps (or, more accurately, God One helps) those who help themselves? Of course not. Well, at least, almost never.
God Helps Those Who …
God One sets priorities and follows them strictly when deciding who He is going to help when. The following is the order He adheres to when helping people:
- The Church. The Church of Infinitiaty is His Church. And, as they say, charity begins at home. So, of course he helps The Church first. He will help others only if he has any time left over after helping The Church. The Church obviously includes the senior officers, executives, managers and administrators of The Church. Because they dedicate their lives to serving His Church, God One insists that they always live in the laps of luxury. However, that notwithstanding, He always honors the wishes of any ecclesiastical staff who can be convinced by Church management that poverty is a virtue.
- People who donate time or money, particularly money, to the Church. God One wants to make sure that they will be able to keep on giving.
- People who, because God One made a mistake or two when Creating and Watching Over them, are unable to help themselves. God One figures that it was His mistakes that resulted in these people not being able to help themselves, so He should make at least some small effort to make amends. Of course, despite His guilt feelings, God One will let people who can’t help themselves continue to suffer unaided if they’ve done something to piss Him off.
- People who can’t be bothered to help themselves. Sure, it’s their fault that they are in dire straights, but He’s written a lot in the scriptures about the holiness of helping the poor so He figures He should practice what He preaches. Besides, He created them so He’s at least partly responsible for their shiftlessness.
- People who help themselves. They’re probably doing OK on their own, so why do they need God One’s help? These people are so far down the priority list that He’ll likely never get around to helping them. Thus, any success they have is almost certainly their own doing.
A low priority isn’t the only thing that prevents God One from helping people who help themselves. He’s also way too busy just listening to all of the people on Earth babbling prayers incessantly into His tired old ears to have time to do much else.
That brings me to the second saying. If you do your best will God One do the rest?
Sort of, but things are actually a little better than that saying suggests. God One gives you a little leeway here, but please don’t spread that around.
90% of Best is Good Enough for God One
Even if you only do 90 percent of your best, God One will still do the rest, assuming, of course, that you’re in one of the priority classes listed above. He hasn’t written this in His Scriptures and he doesn’t publicize it because he’s afraid people will take undo advantage of it. He fears that people will intentionally slack off to just 90 percent of their best, knowing that He will make up the difference.
He’s also worried that people will try to push it further, “Oh, come on, God One. I did 89 percent of my best. That’s almost 90 percent. Cut me a little slack.”
If He allowed a grace of 89 percent because it’s so close to 90 percent then people would push it to 88 percent, then 87, then 86 … Where would it all end?
That’s why he doesn’t want anyone knowing about this leeway. It’s just something he does. So, please, like I said, keep it to yourself. Otherwise he might revoke the privilege entirely.
Someone who claims he’s an Infinitian (but I suspect he’s an atheist looking for a fallback position in case he’s wrong), Joel Klebanoff, asked me a question that he said he was passing along from a member of BlogCatalog. He wanted to know, “What about the homeless? Are they just people who didn’t make the 90 percent threshold?”
That’s sometimes why they are homeless, but not always. Despite doing more than 90 percent of their best, God One may take a disliking to them if, for example, they don’t say the proper prayers in the proper form to Him or they don’t capitalize God, He or Him when referring to Him in writing. In that case, they can forget about God One doing anything to help them.
But in most cases homelessness has nothing to do with the efforts or lack thereof of the homeless. Many homeless people have been placed on the streets by God One as cautionary tales to the rest of us to illustrate tangibly the perils of pissing off God One or not doing at least 90 percent of your best. To be fair to all of us, God One selects the homeless through a universal lottery that we’re all secretly entered into whether we like it or not. So, you are just as likely to get one of these cautionary-tale homeless spots as anyone else.
As to the other sayings about the help that God or, more accurately, God One does that crop up from time to time in common discourse, well, I can’t comment on all of them specifically, but it’s inadvisable to build your life around them. God One doesn’t provide nearly as much help as most people think. As I’ve already said, He’s way too busy listening to prayers to have any time left over to answer them.
So, God helps those who help themselves? Even setting aside the improper use of “God” versus “God One,” not so much.