Many parishioners have asked me whether it is acceptable for Infinitians to wish Christians a Merry Christmas. After all, Infinitians believe that, if he existed at all, Jesus was just another guy with a God complex—or, rather, a Son of God complex.
At the very most, he might’ve been one of the Gods other than God One Who took on human form to play a practical joke on the people of the “holy land.” (It couldn’t have been God One because God One doesn’t have a sense of humor.)
(Very) Merry Christmas: Presents
So, is it alright to wish Christians a Merry Christmas? What a silly question!
Of course it’s okay to wish them a Merry Christmas. If you do they might give you gifts. If you don’t, they probably won’t. And as us Sages never tire of telling ourselves, “gifts are good, particularly lavish, hugely expensive gifts. Christmas gifts that are large sums of cash or that can easily be converted into large sums of cash are even better.”
That “converted into large sums of cash” is an important point. Just remember that, as an Infinitian, you are expected to return the gifts to the store for cash and send at least half of the refund to the Church.
So, Merry Christmas! If you feel so inclined, please send gifts to me care of the Church.
(Note: “Season’s Greetings” would be a much more appropriate considering your Infinitian beliefs, but Christians sometimes see this as a slighting of Christmas. This can make them upset. That might reduce the likelihood they’ll give you a gift. One greeting will get you presents. The other will get you bupkis. So, screw the thought. It’s the gift that counts. Enough said.)
P.S.: Sometimes Christians expect you to give them a gift in return. We think they should be more selfless, but so be it. You’ll find some great gifts at the Church of Infinitiaty Store. We know they’ll love them and, even if they don’t, the Church will love the money we make. And isn’t that really the true spirit of Christmas?