I feel the need to thoroughly and permanently dispel the rumor that Muhammad, whom Muslims revere as Allah’s final prophet, was secretly an Infinitian. To the best of my knowledge, there is no record of Muhammad ever mentioning anything about Infinitiaty. Nor have any of his chroniclers ever so much as hinted that he ever privately or publicly discussed Infinitiaty—not even casually—or that he ever quietly harbored any fleeting thoughts of it.
Nor can I find any mention of Muhammad in the archives of the Church of Infinitiaty, which holds virtually every document that has ever been created by anyone in the Church of Infinitiaty and includes items that date from well before the time of the Prophet Muhammad.
Thus, I believe that the rumor of Muhammad’s secret belief in Infinitiaty is utterly and patently false. Then again, neither he nor his chroniclers ever categorically stated that he wasn’t a secret Infinitian, but that’s neither here nor there. Despite the lack of a denial, I still think the rumor is false.
I don’t think that anyone anywhere in the world has ever suggested, not even in jest, that the Prophet Mohammad was a secret Infinitian. So this rumor has not yet been disseminated, nor does it even exist. Nevertheless, I felt the need to dispel it before it ever has a chance to take root lest any radical fundamentalist Islamists hear of it and mistake it for a mocking of the Prophet Muhammad. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Regrettably, some radical fundamental Islamists feel the need to take it upon themselves to use murder and mayhem to defend the honor of the name and image of the Prophet Muhammad. I would have thought that he and/or the Big Guy would have been quite capable of that defense on their own, but never mind. The Church of Infinitiaty is morally opposed to murder and mayhem and tries to avoid it at all costs because it severely diminishes the productivity of the victims and, therefore, reduces the potential revenue streams for the Church of Infinitiaty. Hence, I took it upon myself to deny the as-of-yet-unformed rumor here just to be on the safe side.
So, to sum up, the Prophet Muhammad was certainly not a secret Infinitian. To the best of my knowledge. Probably.
You will no doubt notice something lacking in the picture accompanying this post. My boss here at the Church of Infinitiaty offered to pay the premium on an exceptionally large insurance policy on my life, with her as the beneficiary, if I posted a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad here. I decided against that. Life is short. Call me a sniveling little coward if you must, you wouldn’t be wrong, but to hell with standing up for principles. I don’t want my life to be any shorter than necessary.