Tomorrow, followers of God 522 solemnly observe the Day of Atonement. To atone for their sins of the previous year, worshipers refrain from saying, writing or pantomiming any adverbs. Every living soul of God 522’s faithful must adhere to this adverb fast because God 522 believes that just being alive is a minor sin in itself, for which atonement is due. Dead faithful souls are exempt.
Worshipers who, in addition to just being alive, committed a few other minor sins during the previous year must also refrain from saying, writing or pantomiming any adjectives. If they committed more than a few, but not a lot of minor sins or they committed a few major sins they must also refrain from saying, writing or pantomiming all nouns and pronouns. If they committed a lot of minor sins or more than a few, but not a lot of major sins they must add verbs to the list of forbidden words.
That still leaves prepositions, definite articles and indefinite articles free from word-fasting on the Day of Atonement for all of the above categorized sinners, but you might have noticed that the previous paragraph excluded one group of people. Someone who committed one hell of a lot of major sins in the previous year must shut the fuck up for the whole 24 hours to atone for his or her sins. (God 522 doesn’t consider it a sin to speak, write or pantomime any words that other Gods consider to be profanities.)
Needless to say, the required total silence could engender great boredom in master-sinners on the Day of Atonement if they didn’t compensate for it somehow. To avoid going utterly mad from extreme ennui, these ultra-sinners spend the day eating gluttonously, drinking copiously and engaging in sex frequently throughout the day, for all of these acts are seem to be pure and good in the eyes of God 522. However, when they experience an orgasm, if they feel the need to scream out, their cries must be pure squeals or yelps that do not form, or even come close to forming, any words.
Assessment of Sin and Atonement
The preceding discussion begs an obvious question. The terms “minor,” “major,” “a few,” and “a lot” are subjective. Who gets to define those terms for the purpose of assessing the necessary atonements? The clergy of the church; that’s who.
During the week prior to the Day of Atonement 522, all worshipers of God 522 must visit a church that either worships God 522 exclusively or that worships Her as one of a collection of Gods. There, the parishioners will catalog for one of the clergy all of the sins they committed during the previous year. For some people, this session lasts no more than 15 minutes. For others, it can go on for a couple of days, with meals and strong coffee brought in for sustenance for the sinners and the clergy.
At the end of the session, the reverend will determine what level of penitence the sinner must perform on the Day of Atonement.
Gods 522 forbids the holding of these sin-assessment sessions more than one week prior to the Day of Atonement. If the time between the assessment session and the Day of Atonement were any longer, far too many sins would be excluded from the assessment.
Clearly, the short period available to assess all parishioners creates an unbearable burden on the church clergy. During that week, they generally work 18-hour days, with only brief breaks for meals and to use the washroom. Even that does not allow enough time to get all of the work done. Therefore, the relevant Infinitiatian churches subcontract clergy from other Church of Infinitiaty churches that don’t worship God 522.
To compensate the clergy for this grueling all the work, parishioners must pay $625 per hour for assessment sessions, or $725 per hour if they would like the reverend to overlook a few of their more serious sins. The local church takes 45% of these earnings as payment for organizing the sessions and providing the facilities. The local church must then pay half of their cut to the Church of Infinitiaty headquarters.
Any parishioners who can’t afford the assessment-session fees is expected to steal money from someone else to get the required funds. Because God 522 considers theft to be a serious sin, this adds one more sin to the parishioner’s list. As a result, his or her assessment-session will be slightly longer due to the additional sin and his or her penitence will need to be greater unless the parishioner pays the higher “overlook” hourly fee. This increases the amount the parishioner must steal to pay the resulting fee.
For worshipers of God 522, religious holidays begin at 11:30 AM Topeka, Kansas time and end at 11:30 AM Topeka time the following day. This is true regardless of where in the world the worshiper may be.
The reason for Topeka being the reference point is that in 1923 a Sage of the Church of Infinitiaty found a stone tablet lying on a street in Topeka. The words “property of God 522” were chiseled on the tablet in a very godly font. No similar tablet has ever been found anywhere else in the world. Thus, for the worshipers of God 522, Topeka is holy.
The reason for the 11:30 AM start and stop time is that worshipers of God 522 are known to be night owls and their God mercifully lets them sleep in.
Prior to the finding of the stone tablet, worshipers of God 522 began and ended their religious holidays at whatever the hell time they wanted.