Bagel shops and donut shops are frequent topics of conversations in divinely inspired suburbs. However, a burning question that is rarely resolved is are those shops holy?
As is often the case with complex questions of life and spiritually, the correct answer is, yes and no. Neither bagel nor donut shops are inherently holy, but both offer the ingredients necessary to become so.
I should mention that donut shops are a little trickier than bagel shops when it comes to holiness. In donut shops, shun donuts filled with cream, jelly or any other substance. It takes a hole to be holy.
If bagel and donut shops are not inherently holy, how do you make your visit a pious one? For the most part, it’s easy. Here’s what you do:
- Buy two bagels or donuts. (If you are with other people, everyone must buy two.)
- Place your purchases side by side horizontally, with one point on each touching the other. To be holy, the result must be the infinity symbol, ∞. (This must be done on a flat surface so as to not distort the ∞. Thus, even if you are in a fancy-schmancy place that gives you a plate, you will probably still have to use the table or countertop as the plate’s diameter will likely be inadequate for the task.)
- Say an appropriate prayer over the infinity sign. There are an infinite number of suitable prayers. The following is a common one:
Praise be to all of the infinite number of great and glorious Gods. May They find me worthy of getting lucky tonight.
- Eat the two bagels or donuts in unison, without destroying the infinity symbol until necessary. This is the tricky part. Here’s how to accomplish it:
- Pick them up together, without breaking contact, either with one hand on each or by pinching them at the point where they are adjacent.
- Take a single small nibble out of each alternately so there is never a significant difference in the shape of the two.
- Eat around the edges so as to leave the infinity symbol intact as long as possible.
- Due to the need to take only small nibbles while carefully protecting the integrity of the ∞, plan to spend at least four hours eating your bagels or donuts.
- It’s rare to find a shop that sells both bagels and donuts, but if you do it is acceptable to use one bagel and one donut.
- It’s perfectly acceptable, even encouraged, to mix bagel and/or donut types. For example, using one pumpernickel and one sesame white bread bagel is a metaphorical joyous celebration of human harmony.
Infinitely Pious Bagels
The advantage of this act of piety over a prayer to a single God—whether that be one of the infinite number of the Gods of Infinitiaty or a false god of a monotheistic so-called religion—is obvious. By honoring, praising and praying to the full infinity of Gods, it’s more likely that at least one will fulfill your prayers. In fact, you may be able to play one against another to get even more than you prayed for.
Important note: While being infinitely pious rather than sucking up to only a single God will increase your chances, it doesn’t make it a sure thing. Many people don’t understand that. They think that infiniteness guarantees success. By their thinking, no matter how unlikely it is that a God will answer your prayer, if an infinite number of Them are considering it, it’s inevitable that at least one will grant it.
That would be true if an infinite number of Gods considered your prayer, but that’s not how it works. We can be confident only that the God who created our universe, namely God One, will be paying attention to what’s going on in it. Other Gods frequently visit, mostly to make fun of God One or to amuse Themselves with His creations, but there are typically only a finite number of Them here at any time.
What’s more most Gods, including our Creator, God One, find us excruciatingly boring. Most of the time, They tune us out when we are praying to Them.
So there is usually a small, finite number of Gods in our universe at any time. And the chance that any of them are paying attention to you is very infinitesimal. Because we rarely know which Gods are here and paying attention, to have any serious chance of having your prayers answered you have to be infinitely pious rather than focusing on a single God.
So, the moral of the story is, if you want to get lucky, spend more time being pious in bagel and donut shops.