If any of you are looking for the Most Reverend Harry, formerly a teacher and pastor at the Third Church of Gods 253 and 548 of Virdou, Virginia, you won’t find him. He was caught “taking advantage of” some of his students in the church’s for-profit school for boys. As an unasked-for favour to the government, the Church of Infinitiaty placed Most Reverend Harry in its Perpetrator Protection Program to save the government from being forced to breech the constitutional separation of church and state. (In this case, the state as represented by the police, judicial and jail systems.)
The Church of Infinitiaty asks for no thanks for its selfless act. However, it would like the government to cover the costs of Most Reverend Harry’s participation in the Perpetrator Protection Program. The Church will, however, forgo the profit it normally expects on the provision of such services. Again, no thanks are required.
Until this episode, Most Reverend Harry was one of the most highly respected reverends in the Church of Infinitiaty. After only five years of being a Reverend, he was granted the title Most Reverend in 2008. This was a reward for having been the highest grossing Church fundraiser in America for each of those first five years. He continued to exhibit fundraising prowess in subsequent years as well.
Most Reverend Harry’s fall from Grace was shocking. Grace is a tall, well-developed, but underage naked woman whom a naked Harry had been on top of on a hammock at the time. His diddling of the boys in the classes he taught was even more unexpected and vile. The boys performed “sexual favours” for Most Reverend Harry in return for good grades.
Perpetrator Protection Program: A Favour to the Government
As stated, the Church of Infinitiaty voluntarily placed Most Reverend Harry in its Perpetrator Protection Program to save the government from any possible church/state entanglements. In the program, Most Reverend Harry was transferred to a church in another state, which, to protect Harry’s identity, cannot be named here. The Church of Infinitiaty intentionally chose a church that focuses on an undisclosed God or Gods other than 253 and 548 to reduce the likelihood that he might be traced. This was fine with the Most Reverend formerly known as Most Reverend Harry as his loyalties to specific Gods is fluid.
The Church and the former Harry are concerned about chance encounters with past parishioners and students. To reduce the probability of being recognized, the former Harry is changing his appearance. If he had facial hair before he will shave it off. If not, he will grow it. If he wore glasses before, he will switch to contact lenses or get laser eye surgery. If not, he will wear glasses even if they have to contain plain glass. If he was portly, he will lose weight. If he was thin, he will become fat. He will also get an entirely new wardrobe. Any expenses incurred to effect this transformation will be covered in full by the Perpetrator Protection Program.
(I had met Most Reverend Harry several times in the past, so I know what he looked like. However, I am forbidden to tell you the direction of any of the above-mentioned transformations. And I couldn’t possibly tell you how far he took each of the transitions because I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in his new persona.)
Punishment for His Sins
In the spirit of forgiveness, the Most Reverend formerly known as Harry (who still can call himself Most Reverend, but has a new,undisclosed name to follow that title) has not been barred from teaching in the boys, girls or coed schools run by his new church. However, he has been warned that he will be stripped of the “Most” in his title if he fails to continue to meet his fundraising quota.
The church has agreed to conceal his misdeeds from all of the former Most Reverend Harry’s new parishioners and students. It is feared that knowledge of his past would hinder Harry’s ability to fundraise successfully for the Church.
As punishment for his sins, the former Most Reverend Harry’s commissions on funds he raises for the Church has been reduced from 15 percent to only 14 percent. It is to remain at this reduced rate for one year. After a year, if he doesn’t commit any additional similar sins at his new church and/or its school, he will be deemed to have paid his debt to society and the entire infinite number of Gods and his commission rate will return to 15%.
If he does recommit his sins, his commission rate will remain at 14% for as long as one full additional year. In addition, as further punishment, he will be forced to change his identity and assume teaching duties at another church and its school elsewhere yet again.
If it such a second, third or more changes of identities and moves become necessary due to the commission of more sins, the costs of the subsequent moves and new identities will, of course, be covered by the Church’s Perpetrator Protection Program.