All churches that worship God 512 have cancelled their Ascension Feast this year.
The feast of Ascension Day has a long history. It was first celebrated on January 22, 881 when God 512 ascended up into the heavens. From there, She left our universe and headed to a universe or universes unknown.
God 512 first came to Earth in 832. Upon her arrival, she occupied the body of a young woman named Virginia Vestal. She remained in that body until Her ascension.
Wherever Virginia, aka God 512, roamed disasters happened. People fell ill with incurable terminal diseases. Rivers and lakes flooded for no apparent reason. Earthquakes destroyed buildings and killed people. Wildfires raged. Hurricanes and tornadoes howled. Lightning struck everywhere twice. And someone came up with the concept of insurance salespeople.
Every day, at breakfast, lunch, dinner and after-dinner drink times, Virginia showed up unexpectedly at high-priced restaurants. There, she pulled up an extra chair and sat down at an already occupied table uninvited. She then ordered and ate way more food and drinks than anyone else at the table.
When the check came, she said that it was beneath Gods to carry the currency of their creations. Thus, everyone else at the table had to chip in for Her meal and Her copious consumption of alcohol. Plus, Virginia insisted that they leave an exceptionally large tip to protect Her image as a God of the people.
When people stopped going to high-priced restaurants to avoid God 512, Virginia started going to mid-range restaurants. When those establishments were deserted by their former patrons, She moved on. Wherever people were paying to be served food and enjoy themselves, God 512 was there.
On January 22, 881, when God 512 finally decided to leave Earth, people rejoiced at her ascension. “Let the good times role” was the hue and cry from every city, town and hamlet. Celebrations were definitely in order. One part of that celebration was a feast.
Each year, to celebrate the anniversary of the blessed departure of God 512 that feast—the Feast of Ascension—is repeated in every church that worships God 512. While these celebration meals can be held privately with your family, that is considered to be much less holy than attending a Feast of Ascension celebration in an appropriate Infinitian church.
So, you might ask, why was the celebration cancelled this year? To put it simply, she’s back. God 512 has returned to Earth. She has decided to not take human form this time. So, you won’t be able to spot Her coming and hide. But if anything bad happens while she’s here, you could get rich by betting that she’s the cause of it—if you could find someone stupid enough to take those bets.
Obviously, with God 512 on Earth, there’s nothing to celebrate. Hence the cancellation of the holiday.
Besides, it’s feared if the Feasts of Ascensions are held, God 512 will attend one or all of them. (She’s a God. She could attend all of them simultaneously if She so chooses.) If that happens, there likely won’t be any food or drink left for anyone else.
In addition, the thinking goes that She might see annual feasts as a reason to stick around for millennia and enjoy herself. So, no feasts this year. What’s more, it’s recommended that you don’t go to any restaurants while she’s on Earth. Otherwise, you might find yourself picking up the tab for an invisible God. And you wouldn’t believe how much those deities can eat and drink.
Hopefully, if we make her feel unwelcome enough she’ll quickly reascend into the heavens and leave us in peace. With any luck, we’ll be able to resume Assumption Feasts next year. In fact, if she leaves on a day other than January 22 we’ll celebrate two Assumption Day Feasts, one to mark her first ascension and one to mark her next.
Ascension Feast Ticket Refunds
The cause of the cancellation of the feast is considered to be an “Act of God.” Therefore, if you have already purchased a ticket for an Ascension Feast event in your local church, the fee is obviously not refundable. Act of God clauses are standard in all explicit and implied contracts associated with church-related events.
As compensation, ticket-holders for this year’s Ascension Feast events will be able to buy tickets for next year’s events one week ahead of the general public. Thus, your wise purchase of a ticket for this year’s non-event will ensure that you’ll get a spot next year should a feast be held that year. If God 512 hangs around for more than a year, you will have to keep buying Ascension Feast tickets each year to protect your spot to celebrate when She finally ascends again.