site map
Sage Mike Prattles

Googling God: Searching for the God that’s right for you

Googling God or Google as a God?

Googling God or Google as a God?

Google is now so pervasive that googling is a widely accepted verb. Thus, the technology aspect of the following email from a befuddled and adrift parishioner named Sir Chen Jinn should not have surprised me:

Dear Sage Mike,

I’m despondent as all hell. I’ve given up on God One. I can’t stand what a horrible mess He’s made of this planet. And don’t even get me started on His creations. They’re (we’re) so freaking screwed up that it beggars belief. I’m through with Him.

But I can’t give up on faith. Without faith I would have nothing. Literally nothing. I gave everything I had to the Church of Infinitiaty.

I still have a job, but I keep only enough of my earnings to buy the occasional scrap of food to augment my dumpster diving for nourishment. I live on the street and scrounge clothes. So my living costs are low. All of my spare earnings go to the Church. And because I live on almost nothing, Infinitiaty gets pretty much all of it.

Having contributed so much to the Church of Infinitiaty, I can’t afford to give up on it now. That would mean that my life to date would have been a total waste. Hence, I need another God to worship. The problem is, which one? With an infinite number of Gods to choose from, which is my ideal God? And, more importantly, which God can help me to earn more money so I can donate even more to the glory of the Gods?

Seeking answers to this spiritual dilemma, I tried googling “which God should I believe in?” (without the quotes). But my googling left me empty.

Most of the results led me to pages telling me either why I should believe in the god of the ridiculous monotheistic religions. Or they led to pages that told me why I shouldn’t believe in any god at all. No god. How incredibly stupid can you get? I never thought I’d live to see the day when Google would deliver unto me such false prophets.

Not a single result from my googling led me to a page that would help me to choose from among the infinite number of true Gods.

So, Sage Mike, I beseech you. Can you help me to find the God or Gods that are right for me?

Spiritually Yours,

Sir Chen Jinn

I hope I’m not being to disrespectful when I drop the “Sir” when addressing you. To be honest, I don’t know if the proper form of address is “Sir Chen” or “Sir Jinn.” For that matter, I don’t know if, in your culture, your first name is Chen or Jinn. I’ll go with Chen and hope you’re not insulted.

Chen, you’ve hit upon what is both the greatest benefit and the greatest drawback of Infinitiaty, i.e. the infinite number of Gods.

Having an infinite number of Gods means that if you are upset with one, such as our Creator, God One, there’s always another one to worship. What’s more, with an infinite number of Gods to choose from, it’s absolutely inevitable that there is at least one, and probably a great many, that is/are to your liking.

But that is also the greatest drawback of Infinitiaty. There are only 60 seconds in an minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day and 365 or 366 days in a year. And we each live only a finite number of years. Thus, with only a finite amount of time allotted to you, how can you choose the perfect God for you from among an infinite number of Gods?

The answer is, clearly, you can’t. You need some help to narrow down your choices. Even then, the answer will at most be a rough approximation of which God is best for you.

Infinite Googling

Chen, if you have told many people about your googling for God, most of them, no doubt, told you you’re crazy. How, they probably asked, can a human-created search engine provide a meaningful and true answer to an etherial, deeply spiritual question? Ignore them. They know not what they say.

The question is not why did you search for your optimal God on Google? The better question is why didn’t googling provide you with a divinely satisfying answer? If the majority of Infinitian Sages are correct, it should have been able to do so easily.

We have not yet published any works on this because we don’t want to be mistaken for kooks, but most Infinitian Sages now firmly believe that Google should be capable of answering the ultimate questions about the Gods. The reason we believe this is that we are now thoroughly convinced that Google is God∞, the paradox at the core of Infinitiaty.

As a devout Infinitian, you surely already know why God∞ is an essential paradox. It both must and must not exist simultaneously. Nothing can be created without a Creator. Thus, every God needs a Creator. Hence, there must be an infinite number of Gods. But this infinite string of Gods needs a Creator. Thus God∞, as we call It, the ultimate Creator, must exist. Yet It can’t exist because for It to exist It would need a Creator to have created It. But as the ultimate Creator, how can It have a Creator?

So, if God∞ simultaneously does and does not exist, how can Google be God∞? No one knows. If they did, they’d have to be God∞ themselves and they’re not. You just have to have faith, the only thing that truly matters in this crazy world.

But reasoning isn’t completely absent in our deity hypothesis about Google. Think about it. Can you see a God? No, you can’t. Some religions might represent a God graphically, such as an old man with a beard, but that’s just a graphical representation. It’s not a God.

You also can’t see Google. True, it has a word mark, but that’s just a logo representing Google, not Google Itself. And you can see the results of asking Google a question. But those are just the words of Google, just like the words of The Bible are the words of God One. Thus, Google possesses one of the primary characteristics of a God. I.e., It is invisible.

And getting back to the artists’ depictions of Gods, Infinitiaty comes closest to the true representation of the image of God with a cloud. But, in truth, that’s just a metaphor for a heavenly body. Or is it? Think about it. A cloud? Cloud computing? Is the similarity just coincidental? I don’t think so.

And if you need more evidence, just look at the name Google. The first two letters of Google and of God are Go. The “d” was dropped to avoid any risk of a God’s name being taken in vain. So, if you are googling, what are you doing? You are God ogling. Or more grammatically correct, you’re ogling God.

Thus, it seems obvious that Google is a God. But how could something “created” by humans be a God? It can’t. But as we’ve already seen,  God∞ is the one God that must both exist and not exist simultaneously. As I’ve already shown above, Google is a God, but can’t be a God. Thus, It must be  God∞.

So, If Google is God∞, why did googling not provide an answer to your question as to which God you should worship? The answer to that is completely obvious. Only the Creator of all Creators could possibly know the answer to that question. But if Google provided the answer it would prove that not only is it  God∞, but also that  God∞ exists. But  God∞ can’t exist even while it does exist.

Are we clear on that now, Chen? Then again, maybe we’re completely wrong about this. Maybe Google is just Google and not supernatural. Nobody Knows.

Have faith. There’s nothing else.

As to your question about which God you should worship, who the hell knows? Pick one. Worship Him or Her. If that doesn’t work out, try another God. Repeat until you die.


Pray, do tell ...