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Sage Mike Prattles

Sacred Places for Cremation Ashes

Sacred Places for Cremation Ashes

Sacred Places for Cremation Ashes

It is exceptionally rare—almost unheard of—for the Church of Infinitiaty to agree with the make-believe religion of Catholicism. Nevertheless, it does happen from time to time, at least on general principles. Consider, for example, sacred places for cremation ashes.

The Vatican recently announced that Catholics can be cremated after they die. However their ashes cannot be scattered, divided up, or kept at home. We feel that it is an horrific oversight on the Vatican’s part that they did not specify what should be done with the ashes of Catholics who are cremated before they die. We’re thinking primarily of witch burnings here, but all cremations-while-still-alive should be considered. But never mind that. We’ll let the Vatican’s oversight pass.

(Note: The Church of Infinitiaty strongly discourages the cremation of living church members, except as punishment for non-payment of church dues and other fees.)

Instead, according to the Vatican, Catholics must store the ashes of the deceased in a sacred, church-approved place. The Church of Infinitiaty wholeheartedly agrees. However, we probably disagree on where that sacred place must be.

Regardless of whether cremation occurred after death or cremation was the cause of death, Infinitians’ ashes must be stored in a mausoleum owned and operated by either the Church of Infinitiaty or one of its franchisees. Unlike the so-called Catholic “Church,” the Church of Infinitiaty allows a deceased’s ashes to be divided up and stored in multiple sacred places in different mausoleums. Naturally, full fees will be due to all such sacred places even if they store only a portion of someone’s ashes.

Fees for Sacred Places

This, of course, brings up the questions of fees. The Church of Infinitiaty recognizes that it would be disrespectful of the dead to go cheap on their final resting place. Thus, The Church sets a minimum fee that every mausoleum—whether church- or franchisee-owned—must charge for perpetual storage of cremation ashes.

Mausoleums are free to charge higher fees if they believe the market will bear such prices.

Franchised churches must pay to the Church of Infinitiaty the usual percentage of any mausoleum revenues they earn. These payments to the Church will be used to assure the continual, remotely invoked blessing of the sacred places by Church headquarters. This is necessary to ensure that the sacred places don’t lose any of their sacredness.

Sacred Place Locations

Some churches house their cremation ash mausoleums in separate buildings. This is allowed, but discouraged.

The costs of building, maintaining and staffing a separate building are generally too high. Economies of scale can be achieved if the mausoleum is incorporated into other church buildings, thereby increasing the profitability of the church.

Some churches locate their mausoleums inside the bingo halls and casinos that are often attached to their sanctuaries. If it is a particularly small church, the mausoleum may fit into what would normally be considered to be a cloakroom. Simple blessings are all that are required to turn cloakrooms into sacred places.

Nevertheless, the Chief Marketing Officer of the Church of Infinitiaty discourages the placement of mausoleums in church bingo halls or casinos. Some people are squeamish about being in the presence of the remains of dead people. The last thing a church want’s to do is to chase people away from its best revenue-generator, it’s bingo hall and/or casino.

Thus, it’s generally recommended that Infinitian churches incorporate their mausoleums into their main sanctuaries. They are already sacred places. Thus, reverends will not have to expend any extra effort to bless the mausoleums separately (the separate, remote headquarters’ blessing is still mandatory). As a bonus, chasing people away from the sanctuary and into the bingo hall or casino is considered to be a truly a blessed thing.

So what should you do with mom’s, dad’s, Aunt Eva’s or Uncle Adolph’s ashes? Now you know. Store them in one of the Church of Infinitiaty’s authorized sacred places. That’s what.

Pray, do tell ...