Infinitiaty


A blog wherein Sage Mike blathers on to justify his existence.
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Boycott This Book!

May 15, 2013 | Author: Sage Mike
Book rated one cockroach

One cockroach award

There is a new book out, Parallel Collective, that I need to talk to you about. I need to talk to you about this abominable book. What I need to tell you is that you need to avoid it like the plague. It is blasphemous to the extreme.

Whether you believe in an infinite numbers Gods, like us Infinitians, or a small finite number of Gods, or, heaven forbid, only one God, you need to tell all of your family, friends, neighbours and colleagues that they must boycott Parallel Collective and they must also insist that all of their family, friends, neighbors and colleagues to boycott the book too.

The book is odious. It is populated with  characters who are atheists. In fact, everyone in the book is an atheist. Can you imagine? We can’t let our children, or anyone else—child or adult—for that matter, read this book. It is an insult to all of the infinite number of Gods.

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CSO Applies for Pope Job

February 17, 2013 | Author: Sage Mike
Help wanted: Pope

Help wanted: Pope

On February 11, 2013, Pope Benedict XVI announced his intention to resign, shocking the Catholic world. This marked the first time in more than 700 years that a pope has left the position by choice rather than waiting to be forced out by death. Some popes would undoubtedly like to stay even longer because of the perks of the job, but it is my understanding that the rules of the Catholic Church require that the pope be alive to collect his paycheck.

The Chief Sage Officer (CSO) of the Church of Infinitiaty wishes the soon to be former pope well in his rapidly advancing dotage. As a gesture of his respect for and honoring of other religions, the CSO bought Pope Benedict a retirement gift: a lifetime membership in a shuffleboard club on the outskirts of Rome, which is a rarity, as bocci is typically the preferred sport of Italian seniors. Then again, Benedict is German, so he might enjoy it.

Now that Pope Benedict has broken this long-standing tradition by not waiting until he croaked in office, the CSO believes it is high time that the Catholic Church breaks with its past in other ways as well. As a sacrifice for the betterment of humanity, he is eager to help them do it. To that end, he has submitted his formal application for the job of Pope of the Catholic Church.

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Literal Gods

December 20, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike
An infinite number of Gods. Literally.

An infinite number of Gods. Literally.

Honey Duzz, who didn’t tell me her hometown but, rather, referred to herself as “a itinerant entertainer,” emailed me the following questions: “I’m seriously considering converting to Infinitiaty. When Infinitiaty speaks of an infinite number of Gods, that’s a metaphor for the infiniteness of godliness, right? There isn’t really an infinite number of Gods, is there?”

Honey, before I answer your questions, I need to praise you on two points. First, you didn’t say so in your email, but “Honey Duzz” is so perfect a stripper name that I assume that you are, indeed, a stripper. My suspicion was strengthened when I noticed that your email address is at a domain that belongs to HotBabes Strip Clubs International, Corp. There was no doubt left in my mind when I saw that your signature line included the tagline, “On stage. Off clothes.”

People not familiar with Infinitiaty might find it strange to hear a Sage of the religion praise a stripper. However, the devout know that Infinitiaty is one of the very few religions that venerate strippers.

Our holy scripture tells us that anyone who publicly and proudly displays God One’s handiwork, flawed though it may be, is truly doing the Lord’s work. Strippers are thus looked upon with great favor by God One, despite Him being a prude in most other respects. (The other Gods, particularly the male Gods, love strippers even more.)

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Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice

December 6, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike
God One created Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice

God One created Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice

I recently received an amazingly asinine bible question from Miriam Manique, an alleged Infinitian from Les Dieux, France. In her letter, Mirriam asks the following:

The Judeo-Christian bible (I spit on the ground at the mere mention of it) says that God (who we know for certain to be God One, only one of an infinite number of Gods) created Adam and Eve and then stopped creating humans, letting Adam and Eve and their decedents take care of cluttering the earth with an overabundance of people.

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Thank God?

November 24, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike
Should we thank any Gods for any good that befalls us?

Should we thank any Gods for any good that befalls us?

Bea Holden, of Upyurs, Kyrgyzstan wrote to ask, “Should we thank the Gods for everything good that happens to us? If so, how do we know which God to thank? Is it always God One who watches over us or might one of the other infinite number of Gods play a hand in our good fortune?”

Those are important questions. And they tend to confuse a lot of people.

Should we thank one or more Gods for the good that happens to us? Heavens no, Bea. Perish the thought.

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Infinitiatist Country Wanted

November 10, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike
Infinitiatist Country Wanted

Infinitiatist Country Wanted

The Church of Infinitiaty is looking for a country that is willing to adopt a constitution—or change its existing constitution if it already has one—that declares the country to be an Infinitiatist country that bases its laws on Infinitian religious law.

This is not nearly as onerous as it sounds. Because there are an infinite number of Gods, each of Whom has His or Her own laws, many of them conflicting, we simply pick and choose the laws that best suit our needs, wants and cravings at any point in time.

For example, while God One commands that, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” God 1436 commands that, “Whosoever shalt not abundantly experience sex outside of his or her marriage deprives his or her spouse of the benefit of widely and wildly varied sexual experience and, thus, is a sinner.” Consequently, whenever an adulterer is called to account by a member of the clergy or another spiritual or administrative official of the church, he or she can simply invoke God 1436’s commandment and get off scot-free free in the eyes of the Church. As a result, under Infinitiatist law, the people of an Infinitiatist country will be much freer and, generally, much happier.

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