Mark it on your calendars. God One, our Creator, will be on vacation from Friday, November 2 to Monday, November 12, 2012, inclusive. God One chose these dates because he wants to be away from our universe during the U.S. Presidential and Congressional elections on November 6. He’s afraid that a bunch of jerks falsely claiming to be speaking in His name will win. He doesn’t want to be around to see that.
Of course, being omnipotent, He could create whatever election results He wants. A number of people on both sides, but particularly the Republicans, have been praying for him to do exactly that. However, He believes that manipulating election results would be unethical, so He refuses to do it. He also does not look favorably on people who pray for Him to act unethically.
He chose a Friday to Monday vacation period because that allows Him to miss two weekends—when many of the most whiny of religions have their Sabbaths and impose upon Him with intensive religious services—while taking only a week and a half off.
God One has asked God Two, His Creator, to keep an eye on our universe while He is away. God Two does not understand why God One puts up with people constantly whining, begging or praising in His ear, so She won’t be listening to prayers directed at God One while God One is away. Any prayers to Him during this time will go to a divine voice mail service. It might take God One a while after His return until He gets around to listening to all of them.
Despite not listening to or answering prayers, God Two will be meting out punishments for serious transgressions against either Her or God One’s laws. The good news is that, unlike God One, God Two has no hang-ups about sex. Consequently, she doesn’t consider many of sexual sins as defined by God One to be serious, or to be sins at all for that matter. So feel free to go crazy during this time, but don’t forget to protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies. And, remember, no still means no in God Two’s eyes and ears.
Deaths will occur as scheduled during God One’s vacation, but God One does not trust any of the other Gods with the key to His heaven. Therefore, the dead will have to wait until God One’s return before they can enter His heaven, assuming they even qualify for entry, which is not likely because it’s next to impossible to follow all of God One’s rules.
Of course, the deceased will, as always, have the option of applying for entry into other Gods’ heavens. And, considering what a stick-in-the mud God One is, the other Gods’ heavens are bound to be much more fun.
God One has been keeping mum on His plans for His vacation, but some of the other Gods have been talking to our Chief Sage Officer about it. They say that God One has been seen with God 52 frequently as of late. So far, She has only been visiting God One in His universe, not the other way around, but the word on the celestial street is that He will be shacking up with Her in one of Her universes for the week-and-a-half that He’ll be away.
There is considerable evidence that this relationship between Gods One and 52 has been going on for quite some time. Before He admitted to his Creations that there are an infinite number of Gods, God One used to go by the name of Yahweh. Back in the days before the Judaic religion and its derivatives adopted the foolishness of monotheism, it was common knowledge that Yahweh or, as we now know him, God One had a consort named Asherah. God One refuses to either confirm or deny it, but many Infinitian scholars now believe that Asherah was a name adopted at the time by God 52.
Some people say that Asherah wasn’t just a casual consort of Yahweh, but, rather, His wife. This is widely doubted because, knowing how sacred God One holds the vow of marriage, it’s doubtful that He would have allowed his wife to be written out of the pagans’ bibles.
That’s enough of a history lesson. Getting back to modern times, there is some scuttlebutt suggesting that there may be a few Big Bangs when Gods One and 52 are together during their vacation. If so, God 52 will have to initiate the sex. God One doesn’t want the responsibility of having to take care of any new universes. In fact, most Gods believe that our universe was an accident.
Be that as it may, the bottom line is, God One is going on vacation. Let’s party!