Sage Mike Prattles

Infiniteness of a God … or not

March 1, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike

Are Gods Infinite in Nature?

We all know that there are an infinite number of Gods. That is a perfectly logical, inescapable result of everything—including Gods—needing a creator. But is each God infinite in nature? For hundreds, or probably thousands, of years that question has plagued myriad people with way, way, way too much time on their hands.

Considering how learned and often chemically enlightened they are, it might surprise you to learn that the Infinitian Sages, not to mention the Chief Sage Officer and Chief Ideology Officer, are divided on this question.

In fact, one Sage who lived in the Middle Ages was literally divided on this question. She believed that no single God could possibly be infinite in nature and she made the mistake of proclaiming her belief in the town square. A berserk zealot of one of the monotheistic faiths, which shall remain anonymous for legal and tax reasons, devoutly believed in the infiniteness of his particular God. On hearing the Sage’s heretical proclamation, he grabbed an ax and cut her cleanly in two, between her eyes, her breasts and the center of her groin.

Mitt Parable

February 27, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike

Parable of the Mitt

A few days ago I posted the parable of the injured bird. Recounting that allegory brought a torrent of momentous, much loved, timeless Infinitian fables flooding into my mind. Unfortunately, most of them were God 69’s parables, all of which involve explicit oral sex. I won’t repeat them here lest this blog get a triple-X rating, preventing me from preaching the gospel of Infinitiaty to children and, thereby, recklessly abandoning them on their path to one God or another’s hell. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?

Fortunately, one respectable fable poked its head above the prurient parable morass that swamped my mind. This parable, which comes from God 28, generally goes by the name of The Parable of the Mitt.

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Laying on of Hans

February 25, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike

Laying on of Hans (not "hands", but not necessarily not "hands").

Many people have written, emailed and phoned the Church of Infinitiaty head office to complain about a typo in the headline of an ad that appeared in last month’s edition of the Infinitiaty Bulletin. Church officials have asked me to assure you that the headline was not in error.

The wannabe nitpickers claimed that a “d” was missing in the faith-healing ad’s title, “Laying on of Hans.” That was not the case. No “d” was intended or required.

The ad was placed by the reverend of a recently minted Infinitiaty church franchise, the First Infinitian Church of Whathehellville, in Whathelleville, New Jersey. The reverend, who is known by only his first name, Hans, recently began offering faith-healing services that are, no doubt, soon to be widely acclaimed.

Injured Bird Parable

February 23, 2012 | Author: Sage Mike

Injured Bird Parable

In one of his more lucid moments, a parishioner I visited recently in the heavily padded intensive-care ward of a local psychiatric hospital reminded me of the little known parable of the injured bird.

This parable was usually attributed to God 7148, but God 7235 claimed that He was its author. This created a terrible row and, as a result, God 7235 refuses to speak to God 7148 until She apologizes to Him and pays Him appropriate compensation for passing off His work as Her own. In turn, God 7148 claims that God 7235 is an illiterate fool who couldn’t come up with a parable to save His soul. Needless to say, God 7148 refuses to apologize. On the contrary, She has threatened to sue God 7235 for slandering Her good name by calling her a plagiarist.

Never mind. It is the parable and its moral, not its authorship, that matter. However, don’t tell God 7148 or God 7235 that. They’re very likely to smite you if you do.

Proof of God One: A Miracle

August 8, 2011 | Author: Sage Mike

God Works in Infuriatingly Mysterious

Note: This was written last Friday, but it was not posted until today due to an exceptionally long, drug-induced nap.

* * * *

Most assuredly, God One is a truly great, good, glorious and all-round awesome deity. Just when some of His creations begin to doubt His presence in our universe—a doubt that causes horrendous despair throughout the land and that also possibly, but unlikely, begets an inexplicable, widespread plague of the munchies—He provides us with incontrovertible proof of His existence. Moreover, it is a proof that is so clear that it cannot be mistrusted or disputed by even the most steadfast and rational of skeptics.

InfiniRewards Program

February 15, 2011 | Author: Sage Mike

InfiniRewards. Get the heavenly rewards you deserve.

You’ve got to hand it to the Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) of Infinitiaty. She’s always thinking up creative new ways to promote the glory of the Gods.

The CMO’s latest idea is the recently launched InfiniRewards, a loyalty program designed for frequent donors to the Church of Infinitiaty.

Here’s how it works. First, you apply to the InfiniRewards program. (The CMO expects that most InfiniRewards members will be Infinitians, but membership in our church is not required in order to join the InfiniRewards program.) Along with your application, send the program initiation fee of $295. After that, it costs only $49.95 a year to renew your membership.

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Infiniteness of a God … or not

Mitt Parable

Laying on of Hans

Injured Bird Parable

Proof of God One: A Miracle

InfiniRewards Program

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