Religious Administration
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Church of Infinitiaty Franchise Application

Obviously, we can’t sell church franchises to just anyone. You must be a qualified individual. Preferably, you should be a qualified individual person, but franchises can be held in pet’s names if it will create a favorable tax situation and you agree to forward three-quarters of the tax savings to the Church of Infinitiaty. Please complete the following application form and our system will immediately tell you whether you qualify as a Church of Infinitiaty franchisee.

I believe that there is/are:

No gods
One and only one god
Multiple gods, but not an infinite number of them
An infinite number of gods
I don’t know, but I care
I don’t know and I don’t care

Please make a selection.

I would be willing to absolve a nonbeliever:

Never
If he/she paid the Church $1 – $1,000
If he/she paid the Church $1,001 – $100,000
If he/she paid the Church $100,001 – $1,000,000
If he/she paid the Church more than $1,000,000

Please make a selection.

I believe that the Gods’ willingness to honor prayers depends on whether the person who is praying donates money to the Church.

No
Yes, but the amount doesn’t matter; it’s the thought that counts
Yes, as long as the person gives at least 10 percent of his/her earnings
Yes, as long as the person gives at least $1,000 per prayer; the earnings of the prayer are irrelevant
Yes, but the number and difficulty of prayers that one of the Gods will answer depends on the amount and frequency of donations, without regard to the income of the person praying; the poor are out of luck

Please make a selection.

I (check all that apply):

Cheat on my taxes whenever I think I can get away with it
Believe that secular law should be broken when it serves the purpose of the Church
Believe that Church law should never be broken if it will reduce revenues to the Church
Will not pay my full ongoing Church franchise fees if I can get away with it
If you are granted a franchise for an Infinitian church would you permit the Reverends in your church to perform same-sex marriages?

No; it’s an abomination
Yes; unconditionally and for free to make a statement against bigotry
Yes; after the potential couple pays the same wedding fee as potential heterosexual couples
Yes; after the potential couple pays an extra wedding fee to compensate for the Church revenue that will be lost as a result of obscenely medieval bigots leaving the Church in protest; that’s only fair

Please make a selection.

Do you believe that women should be allowed into the clergy with full liturgical rights and rites?

No; it’s an abomination
Yes, as long as she brings as much revenue into the Church as male clergy members
Yes, as long as she brings more revenue into the Church than male clergy members to compensate for the Church revenue that will be lost as a result of obscenely medieval bigots leaving the church in protest; that’s only fair

Please make a selection.

Do you believe that consensual, non-adulterous extramarital sex is a sin that can be absolved through the purchase of an appropriate dispensation from the Church?

No; it’s a sin and sins—all sins—can be forgiven only through a turning of the heart and deeds toward righteousness, not through the payment of money
No; it’s a sin so grave that absolution cannot be bought
No; it’s perfectly natural and not a sin; dispensations are, therefore, irrelevant in this case
Yes, absolutely
Yes, but the dispensation fee should be reduced if one or both of the participants is sex-addicted and is/are willing to deal with their addiction(s) through private sessions with Church officials.

Please make a selection.

If you are granted a franchise and a parishioner asks to be forgiven his and his family’s monthly Church dues for at least a year because, otherwise, his family will not be able to afford the life-saving operation that his wife needs, would you:

Agree to his request on compassionate grounds.
Tell him that it is the will of God One or one of the other Gods that his wife is sick and, therefore, operating on her would be going against one or more of the Gods’ wills. He should, thus, refuse his wife’s operation and continue to pay his dues, leaving his wife’s health in the hands of the Gods.
Tell him that, rather than paying for the operation, he should make a large donation to the Church over and above his dues as an offering to the Gods to encourage them to answer his prayers for his wife’s natural recovery, thereby making the surgery unnecessary.
Tell him that it is his fault for not living in a country that provides citizens and legal immigrants with free healthcare. The church shouldn’t have to suffer for his poor choices.

Please make a selection.

Which of the following most closely describes your views on the separation of church and state?

The state has no business mucking about in religion. There should be total freedom of religion. Everyone should be free to practice the religion—any religion—of his or her choice and when religious custom or canon conflicts with secular law, religions custom and canon should prevail.
Freedom of religion should be a right, within limits. Where secular law and church law and customs disagree, secular law should prevail.
The Infinitian religion and the worship of the infinite number of Gods is so essential to the welfare of humanity that Infinitiaty should be adopted as a state religion. In addition, Infinitian churches should not only be free from taxation, but the Church of Infinitiaty head office should have taxation powers so it can tax everyone, not just Infinitiaty parishioners.
Religions are nonsense and the state should banish them all.

Please make a selection.

What is your favorite color?

red blue green
yellow orange purple
grey gray chartreuse
mulberry puke green golden thistle
harlot red golden meadow purple haze
candy apple red candy ass pink puce
pink other don’t know
I refuse to answer because I realize this question is included merely as an excuse to exclude people you don’t want in the church

Please make a selection.

Your:

First name

A value is required.
Last name

A value is required.