Infinitiaty

The Good Book

The Book of Schmendrick

Chapter Two

And Schmendrick began his journey to Nebbish to, as was God One's command, smite all of the Nebbishites except the women that Schmendrick took unto himself as wives. Schmendrick new not the way to Nebbish, but God One figured this would be the case so he etched arrows in the ground pointing the way. And at various points, so Schmendrick would neither starve nor dehydrate, God One erected signs such as "eat these berries, they're not poisonous" or "drink this water, it is not fetid."

Despite the episode with the burning rock, Schmendrick trusted God One and ate of the berries and drank of the water. And this time God One didst not trick Schmendrick. Although the berries did give Schmendrick a very mild case of diarrhea, causing him to frequently duck behind bushes and take care of business.

And Schmendrick, being of little between the ears, was easily distracted on his journey to Nebbish. A snake slithered across his path and he paused and said, "Oh look. It's one of those long slithery things. What do you call those?"

And God One said unto Schmendrick, "It's a snake, you idiot. Can't you remember anything? Why did I bother giving you a brain at all? Sometimes I wonder if Creation was worth the trouble?"

After a few paces more, a salamander scurried in front of Schmendrick. And Schmendrick paused and said, "Oh look. It's a salamander. I can't remember, am I afraid of those?"

And God One said unto Schmendrick, "God Two-damned, frigging moron. Salamander you remember, but you couldn't remember snake? And, no, you're not afraid of them. It's snakes you're afraid of, but I guess that slipped your mind when a sent a snake across your path to frighten you. I work hard and you can't even give me the satisfaction of falling prey to a little practical joke."

To prevent further delay, God One cleared the way to Nebbish of all distractions. Verily, Schmendrick stopped and said. "There's nothing here; not a bush, not a tree, not a creature stirring. When did it get so barren. It was such an interesting walk before and, now, nothing! When did that happen? I didn't notice everything clear out."

God One, his voice dripping with exasperation, said unto Nebbish, "Jesus freaking Christ, shut up and keep walking. And never mind who Jesus freaking Christ is, He'll come much later. That is, He'll come later assuming I can figure out how to create a woman who is cute enought that I'll want to empregnate her.

"You'll never get to Nebbish at this pace. I carefully planned your journey so you would arrive in time to take advantage of the early-bird special at the Sodomite Inn in Nebbish. They make incredible falafel, but now you'll miss it. You'll be lucky to get there in time to get the bacon and eggs breakfast special. Yes, I know I told you that you're not supposed to eat bacon or anything from a pig, but the breakfast special is too good to pass up. I'll forgive you this once."

And with that, Schmendrick continued his journey in silence almost all of the way to Nebbish.

 

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