When you stop to think about it — which is something that the Church of Infinitiaty encourages the truly faithful to avoid for mental health reasons — all religions are unbelievable. Infinitiaty is simply less unbelievable than most. However, despite being unbelievable, Infinitiaty is undeniably true, as our sages have proved over the years by reading and accepting our scriptures.
Nonetheless, because religion is implausible, a religion’s Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) has one of the most difficult, but also one of the most important jobs in the entire faith. Few religions recognize this. Or, if they do, they are not willing to admit it publicly. They try to disguise their Chief Marketing Officers’ roles by giving them more spiritual-sounding job titles. “Evangelist” is a common one.
Infinitiaty, being an outwardly honest religion, does not try to hide its CMO. We boldly proclaim his or her job function. Nonetheless, Infinitiaty’s Chief Marketing Officer’s strategies and tactics are considered to be trade secrets. For competitive reasons, they are not divulged. Religion is, after all, a dog eat dog industry.
The Chief Marketing Officer is paid $2.50 for each new member who joins the Church of Infinitiaty during the CEO’s tenure. There is a $5.00 bonus for each new member who has an annual income of more than $200,000. The CMO receives additional bonus of $10.00 per member for each new member with an annual income of more than $1-million.
The marketing programs designed and managed by the CMO are expected to bring new members into the church. But more than that, they are also expected to convince existing members that their souls will be lost and/or searingly destroyed, or worse, if they leave the church. Therefore, $5.00 is deducted from the Chief Marketing Officer’s pay for every member who leaves the faith.
If, at any time, membership in the church has not increased by at least 10 percent over the preceding 12 months, the CMO is immediately fired, without exception. This mandatory membership growth threshold might be lowered slightly when more than 75 percent of the world’s population has joined the Church of Infinitiaty. However, until then, the rule is immutable and not subject to appeal.
Hiring a Chief Marketing Officer
The hiring process for the Chief Marketing Officer is rigorous. In fact, because of the lengthy applicant testing procedures, it takes a minimum of one month to hire a new CMO.
When the Chief Marketing Officer position becomes vacant, the church issues a call for applicants. To induce a large number of people to apply, the notice vaguely implies that there might, possibly be a $1-million signing bonus. But no promises are made.
The selection process begins only after at least 10 people have applied and have paid the obligatory, non-refundable $1,000 application fee. The applicants are then each paired with a severely anorexic person. Each chosen anorexic is convinced that eating is the work of the devil and food will surely subject them to a horrific death. The applicants for the CMO position must live with the anorexics they’ve been paired with for one month. The successful CMO candidate is the one whose anorexic is fattest at the end of the month. An applicant who force-feeds his or her anorexic is disqualified.