The Chief Operating Officer (COO) is responsible for ensuring that the day-to-day operations of the Church of Infinitiaty run smoothly, efficiently and cost-effectively. He or she is also ultimately responsible for making certain that the necessary administrative tasks get done, except when when it is more profitable for them to not get done. In short, the Chief Operating Officer is charged with ensuring that the Church of Infinitiaty remains a lean, mean religion machine.
The administration, human resources, accounting and finance departments all report to the COO. These deparments are comprised of mostly flunkies. Consequently, they do not show up on the church enterprise organization chart.
For accountability, transparency, legal and tax reasons, the COO is the only person in the Church of Infinitiaty who keeps the legitimate set of financial records for the church. Other officers of the religion are not allowed to see them. (For opacity reasons, there is no Chief Financial Officer.) The income statements, balance sheets and statements of changes in financial position that are seen by others are fabricated out of thin air by the marketing department.
Employees Relationship with the Chief Operating Officer
The Chief Operating Officer is ultimately responsible for human resources. Thus, any employee of the Church of Infinitiaty who has an employment-related problem that cannot be not resolved lower down in the chain of command is entitled to escalate the issue and have it adjudicated by the COO. An employee who does so is immediately fired without severance pay. And without so much as a “fare-thee-well”
The COO is also responsible for all purchasing for the entire church enterprise. From gold-plated paper clips through to ecclesiastically inane gowns for the clergy to wear, purchases must all be approved and vendors vetted by the COO. The Chief Operating Officer is also responsible for fending off vendors when they demand payment for goods and services. The most challenging part of the COO’s job is convincing vendors to continue to supply the church with goods and services despite having paid the COO large kickbacks, yet never having been paid for previous orders.
All regional church managers report to the COO. These managers are responsible for propogating the church around the world.
The COO is not paid a salary. He or she receives a bonus based on the value of goods and services that the church receives without having to pay for them. The COO also places all personal expenses, whether for business use or not, for himself or herself and for his or her family on his expense account. He or she may also abscond with a reasonable quantity of office supplies and sell them on the open market.
To hire a new new COO, applicants are given a mixed-up Rubik’s Cube. The succesful candidate is the one who first figures out that the quickest way to solve the puzzle is to paint the sides the appropriate colors.