The true measure of success of a religion is the number of dollars it brings into the church. Having a lot of members is good. Having a high percentage of members who attend services regularly is impressive. But are those really markers of success for a religion?
No. They are not. It’s easy to join a church. And praying can be a mindless recital-by-rote excuse to not do anything productive. Those activities require little commitment on the part of church members. But if you devote your every waking hour to earning money that you dutifully turn over in full to the church, now that takes true devotion!
Thus, a rich church is a spiritually successful church.
The goal of the Chief Tithing Officer (CTO) is to ensure that the Church of Infinitiaty achieves infinite godly success. Of course, infinite success is not possible, but it is the CTO’s job to come as close as he or she possibly can.
Tithing and Then Some
In the Infinitian relgion, the word “Tithing” in our CTO’s title is a bit of a misnomer. A “tithe” is one-tenth of a person’s annual earnings. Thus, tithing means the annual giving of one-tenth of your earnings to charity. This charity should, preferably, be the church. In Infinitiaty’s case, it is required to be the church.
Nevertheless, we don’t require that our parishoners literally “tithe” as in give 10 percent of their income to the church. Instead, it is the CTO’s job to encourage church members to give 100% or, better yet, more than 100 percent of their savings and earnings to the church.
It is possible for our members to give more than 100 percent of their wealth and income because, according to Infinitian canonical law, theft is forbidden only if you don’t give the proceeds of the theft to the church. If, on the other hand, you do donate to the church all of what you’ve stolen, then theft is not only condoned, but encouraged.
The incentive plan for the CTO includes a very small salary plus a very large bonus that is based on the average percentage of income and wealth that members donate to the church.
When the CTO position becomes vacant, all applicants for the job are invited to a group interview. This interview is conducted in a cocktail party setting. A number of church members are also invited to attend this group interview, allegedly to solicit their opinions on the candidates. At the end of the party, whichever applicant has picked the most money from the pockets of the party guests gets the job.