Religious Administration
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Tithe Laundering Manager

Tithe Laundering Manager. Face image altered to protect the guilty.

Tithe Laundering Manager. Face image altered to protect the guilty.

The Infinitian religion does not consider theft to be a sin if the thief turns the proceeds of the theft over to the church. Not all countries agree with that. Consequently, countries that do not respect religious freedoms consider some of our funds to be proceeds of crime. Clearly, because these funds have been sanctified by the church, this is nonsense. Nonetheless, our “tithing” collection techniques can cause legal problems in godless nations unless precautions are taken. The job of the Tithe Laundering Manager (TLM) is to take those precautions.

The TLM typically takes any questionable funds and routes them through a series of legitimate-looking bank accounts registered under fictitous names before routing them back to the Church of Infinitiaty’s account. When the money is particularly dirty, the TLM may pay cash to buy non-depreciating assets from sellers who don’t ask questions other than, “What is the meaning of life?” “Which Gods should I pray to?” And, “Which Gods can I afford to ignore?”

Compensation: A Cut of the Laundering

The TLM is not paid a salary, but he or she is expected to skim off enough of the laundered money to make himself or herself fabulously wealthy, but not enough to be noticed by the senior church officers.

When the TLM position opens up due to a resignation, death or lengthy jail sentence, the Chief Tithing Officer (CTO), who is the TLM’s boss, searches the globe for people running successful Ponzi scheme. The one who runs the most successful scheme without getting caught by the police is offered the job. This job search method usually results in the position being filled by someone who is already a member of the Church of Infinitiaty.

Click here to see the Infinitiaty org chart.

Pray, do tell ...