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Proofs of Infinitiaty

All wise people (for it is the definition of wise) know in their heart of hearts, lungs of lungs, kidneys of kidneys, liver of livers, soul of souls and, if appropriate, testicles of testicles that Infinitiaty is the one true religion. True, there are some Doubting Thomases, not to mention Doubting Ethels, Doubting Mary Margarets, Doubting Freds, Doubting Josephs, Doubting Davids, Doubting Susans, Doubting Alisons, Doubting Peters, Doubting Percivals, Doubting Pamelas, Doubting … well, you get the picture, who are skeptical of the Infinitian creed. However, the proofs provided below should overcome all doubts.

Proof by Infinite Regress

It is unquestionably accepted by almost 100 percent of theologians and mystics, not to mention many psychotics, that everything that happens must have a cause. Thus, because the universe exists, there must be something that caused the universe to come into existence. Hence, because we are personally unable to imagine any other cause, that cause must have been a god of some sort. We claim that it was God One.

There are those who dispute this, but their argument is irrelevant as the following discussion shows. Assuming, for the moment, that God One does exist, something must have caused God One to have come into existence. Nothing could cause a god to come into existence but another god. So, a God Two must exist to have created God One. By the same argument, there must be a God Three to have created God Two, a God Four to have created God Three, a God Five to have created God Four, and so on through to God Infinity. Of course, this creates an eternal paradox. God ∞ must exist because the other Gods could not have been created otherwise. At the same time, God ∞ can’t exist because there was no God to create It.

This paradox shows the limitless power of the blessed infinite regress, which is itself further proof of the truth of the Infinitian creed. This brings us to the proof that the skeptics who believe that God One doesn’t exist are wrong. We have just proved that there must be an infinity of Gods. Infinity is unbounded, therefore it must include our God, God One. Thus it is proven. Thus it is so. The Infinitian creed is true.

Some have argued that of all of the proofs of Infinitiaty, the proof by infinite regress is the most convincing. Read on and judge for yourself.

Proof by Hosiery

Many people who are above reproach have reported that socks have gone missing in their clothes dryers, leaving them with unmatched socks. It has been proven by renowned physicists that matter can’t just disappear on its own. Consequently, the socks’ disappearances must have a supernatural explanation, namely a God.

It is known that our God, God One does not play such frivolous practical jokes on His creations. When He messes with us, He does it big time. Therefore, another God must be doing it. However, most Gods have their own universes to attend to, so there is only so much time they can spend playing jokes on the inhabitants of other Gods’ universes. Hence, because sock disappearances happen so frequently, it is certainly a conspiracy of several Gods who are playing the pranks.

Yet, Gods are known to be exceptionally self-important beings. The probability that any of them would play such a childish practical joke as hiding socks is so infinitesimally small as to be inexpressible. Therefore, for there to be enough such Gods among the full set of Gods that full set must include an inexpressibly large number of Gods, i.e., an infinity of Gods. Thus it is proven. Thus it is so. The Infinitian creed is true.

Proof by Bounded Universes

In a material world, nothing can go on forever. Everything is bounded by physical properties. Thus, our material universe must be finite. Yet, this is impossible. What would happen if you journeyed to the edge of the universe and took one more step? By laws of physics that are perfectly clear to our unquestioning minds, there must be something there when you take that next step.

However, if our universe is finite, which it must be because it is material, then what could be there? The answer is, obviously, that our universe borders on other universes. It is almost impossible to imagine a being, no matter how powerful, that is capable of creating anything as large and complex as our universe. Thus, our God, God One, likely created only our universe, and certainly no more than, say, a half-dozen universes.

The argument about the finiteness of our universe and, therefore, the need for neighboring universes on its boundaries also holds for the universes bordering ours. Thus, they too must have neighboring universes on the far sides of their universes. And, clearly, more Gods are required to create those universes. And those universes also need neighboring universes and Gods to create them. And so on, forever. Thus, there must be an infinite number of universes and an infinite number of Gods to create them. Thus it is proven. Thus it is so. The proofs are plain for all to see. The Infinitian creed is true.

Proofs by Signs

Throughout the ages, the Gods have provided us with numerous signs proving their existence. We simply need to be attentive to see them. The following are just a few examples of the great many proofs by signs that devout Infinitians, and people who had been nonbelievers but who became devout Infinitians after seeing the signs, have witnessed:

Proofs by Pepperoni

Proofs by Pepperoni

Pepperoni Sign

On June 23, 1998 Merribeth Masterfugger, a resident of Omenville, Alabama and a single mother of 17 not-so-beautiful children, took her children to her favorite pizza parlor. She ordered five extra-large pizzas: two Hawaiian pizzas, two road kill delight pizzas, and one pepperoni pizza. When the pizzas arrived, Merribeth looked down at the pepperoni pizza. There, she saw that two of the pepperoni circles were touching each other at a single point, forming a perfect infinity sign. Until this moment Merribeth, an astrologer by trade, had been an agnostic, but she knew what this omen meant. It was a clear, unassailable sign from one or more of the Gods of the truth of Infinitiaty.

Two-Penny Sign

On September 19, 2002 Jeremy Doltenberger, a retired condom tester, was at a pub having a few pints with his friends when he suddenly said, “I’m going to give you my two cents’ worth.” Then, because he was a complete cretin when it came to humor and much else, he threw two pennies down on the table. Much to Jeremy’s surprise, when the pennies landed they were perfectly adjacent, creating the mark of infinity. Jeremy had been studying Infinitian teachings, but up to that point he had not yet fully accepted the creed of Infinitiaty. After the Gods showed him the way by manipulating his two-cents’ worth in that manner, he could no longer doubt the divinity of Infinitiaty.

Dog Circles Sign

Christina Krossworth spends between six and eight hours a day sitting on her back porch watching her two dogs chasing their own tails, except on weekends when she spends 14 to 16 hours a day at this activity. Each dog runs around, stopping only occasionally to eat, drink and poop. One day, Christina noticed that the dogs were running in adjacent circles. As they did so, an infinity sign path was worn into her grass. Obviously, the dogs had been guided by Gods in their carving of this sign. The signs are unmistakable. Thus it is proven. Thus it is so. The Infinitian creed is true.

Proof by Numbers

The vast majority of the infinite number of Gods are self-confident, which means that the vast majority of Gods believe in Themselves. Even though there are some Gods Who lack self-confidence, a vast majority of infinity is still infinity. Thus, an infinity of Gods believe in the infinity of gods described in the Infinitian creed. That many Gods can’t all be wrong. Thus it is proven. Thus it is so. The proofs are obvious. The Infinitian creed is true

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