In 1223, in the town of Eisleben, in what is now Germany, there lived an Infinitian Sage named Sage Martin. Sage Martin was widely and lovingly acclaimed as pompous, irascible and something of a cretin. Sage Martin’s major claim to fame was that he was upset with the central authority of the Church of Infinitiaty.
Sage Martin’s primary beef was that he felt that it was insulting to the Gods to number, rather than name them. Why, he wanted to know, wasn’t God One, our Creator, known by a more colorful, creative and godly name such as Zeus, Ra or Superman, rather than God One? Or, because He was created by God Two and, therefore, in effect, the Son of God Two, why wasn’t He called something like, for instance, Jesus Christ?
In protest, Sage Martin broke away from the primary Infinitian grouping. He then formed his own protest sect within Infinitiaty. The period in which this occurred immediately came to be known formally as The Reformation of Gods’ Names, or just The Reformation, for short.
Protestant Reformation: God-Namers
Sage Martin’s followers, known as Protestants for their protests, began the task of naming all of the numbered Gods. The Protestants started with God One. They named him simply Lord. God Two, Lord’s Creator, became known as Aphrodite. God Three, Aphrodite’s Creator, became Zeus. Zeus’ Creator was, according to the Protestants, Venus. Venus’ Creator was Ra. Ra’s Creator was Sekhmet. Sekmet’s Creator as Odin. Odin’s Creator was Sjöfn. And on and on and on. In short, they had no qualms about stealing the names of gods of other “religions” and applying them to the true Gods of Infinitiaty, the one true religion.
The Protestant Reformation was rigorous. The Protestants adopted a schedule whereby 20 Protestants a day would work on assigning names to the currently numbered Gods. The Protestants had an amazing work ethic. They were, on average, able to assign 20 names per hour for each of their 15-hour shifts, or 300 names per day for each person working that day.That’s a total of 6,000 names a day for the 20 people working each day’s shift..
The Protestants ran 20-person shifts of volunteer God-namers seven days a week, without exception. Thus, each year, they were, on average, able to assign about 2,190,000 names—2,196,000 in leap years.
The Protestant Reformation movement persisted beyond Sage Martin’s death. For 100 years, the Protestants continued their work of naming Gods.
Unfortunately, the effort continually slowed over the years. There were two reasons for this. First, they had to spend more time checking the growing lists of existing names to avoid duplicates. Second, many of the Protestants grew bored of the work. Nevertheless, after 100 years, they had named almost 200-million Gods. Out of necessity, the names of the latter-named Gods were typically a large, random, often unpronounceable collection of letters.
On the one-hundredth anniversary of the launch of The Reformation, the Protestants held a huge celebration. Everyone who was anyone cam. Many journeyed days, and in some cases months, to get there. On the day of the celebration, there were tens of thousands of people in attendance, including one of the traditionalist Infinitian Sages who had not joined the Protestant movement, Sage Hershel.
After everyone gathered, Sage Hershel ran to the raised, lavishly decorated stage at the front of the massive field where the celebration was held and shouted in a voice that was louder than one would have thought could come out of a human—loud enough to be heard by all present and loud enough to pierce the eardrums of the people at the front of the crowd so they heard only the first few words and had to have the words written down for them later. Sage Hershel, the non-Protestant cried, “You know there are an infinite number of Gods, don’t you? Even though you have named almost 200-million of them, there are still an infinite number of Gods left to be named. That’s the way infinity works.”
All but the doltiest of dolts at the party realized the truth of what Sage Hershel had said. A dark funk, darker than the void of space, including the meaningless non-space between uiverses, settled over the crowd. Everyone soon drifted away and back to their homes, leaving literally tons of unconsumed food and wine and enough litter to keep an army of sanitary engineers busy for months. That moment marked the end of the Reformation and the complete abandonment of the Protestant movement.
The 200-million names were subsequently discarded. No record remains of any but the first few dozen.
The Protestant Reformation movement of Infinitiaty had dissolved more than 200 years prior to 1535, Yet in that year a group of Infinitians engaged a team of barristers to determine whether it would be possible to sue Martin Luther, a Christian priest and purported originator of the Christian Reformation, for infringement of the Infinitian trademarks “Reformation” and “Protestant.” They also wanted to include his group of Christian Protestants as defendants in the suit.
Coincidentally, Martin Luther was also born in Sage Martin’s home town, Eisleben, although much later. This coincidence fanned the flames of the Infinitians’ fury over the clear theft of their “Reformation” and “Protestant” trademarks and the lack of originality of the Christians.
After more than 1,500 hours of high-end billings, the lawyers advised the Infinitians that, because trademark laws were not yet well developed and because the Protestant, Reformation and Protestant Reformation trademarks had not been in continuous use by Infinitians for more than 200 years, a trademark case would almost certainly fail. Consequently, the Infinitians dropped the case. After having paid rapacious legal fees for the advice, this action resulted in a whole class of lawyer jokes that are still in common usage today.
Interestingly, after more than four centuries, in 1963, another group of Infinitians considered reviving the trademark infringement suit against Christian Protestants. They changed their minds when they learned that Martin Luther King Jr. was not the same person as Martin Luther. That second suit did not proceed past the casual discussion stage.